Surviving the Flu- A Guide.

Influenza

The flu is an infection of the nose, throat, and lungs. It spreads easily - National Library of Medicine

in·flu·en·za  (nfl-nz)

n.

1. An acute contagious viral infection characterized by inflammation of the respiratory tract and by fever, chills, muscular pain, and prostration. Also called grippe.

2. Any of various viral infections of domestic animals characterized generally by fever and respiratory involvement.

-http://www.thefreedictionary.com/influenza

Also known to survivors as the shortened period where a being of some sort can be found kicking and beating the heck out of your stomach region for 1-3 days, unless you are extremely lucky and it's longer.  The little being does often come with side effects other than massive pain- all of which I will let you imagine on your own.

I recently am a survivor of this so called 'flu' and am providing the following information to help you to through this flu season.

The biggest tip I can give you is DO NOT GET THE FLU.  I realize you are sitting there wondering "how do I not get the flu"  Here are some tips.  

1. Wash your hands- that's awesome and great advice- mainly because it's gross when you don't. However- despite medical professionals advice- the flu will not skip you just because you wash your hands.  Sorry.  never fear though and keep reading I do have some other ways to avoid it.
2.   Hold up your hands in a cross formation when encountering anyone who is ill and move backwards away from them (of course cursing them for coming so close to you).  This cross formation of your hands is known to keep vampires, demons and of course the flu from attacking you. 
3. Keep a can of lysol with you at all times.  Do not be afraid to spray...Spray everything---twice.  If you choose this method however, invest in some sort of mask as you will be choking from the fumes (no matter what smell the bottle says it has- you will feel overwhelmed and possibly high from the amount you will need to use)  Of course Lysol only kills 99.9% of bacteria and things so that .1% is probably the flu virus that has managed to survive.
4. This really is the best advice- Become a hermit, disconnect from all human contact.  If you find it necessary to venture into the world create a large plastic bubble you can contain yourself in (I would recommend renting- but that comes with someone else's germs).  it might be helpful to create this ball of plastic now before it's to late. 

If you have become a victim, despite using the above suggestions here are some tips to surviving the flu.

1. When symptoms first appear- deny it.  You're overworked, overstressed, and pretty sure you can't be sick right now.  While denying it does not stop the inevitable onset of the symptoms - it will take you past the 48hrs that you can get actual medicine for the flu so that it can develop into it's full ugly, painful self. 
2. The moment you are willing to admit you have indeed caught the flu, start cursing the person who gave it to you.  The guilt you put upon them will indeed help you overcome your illness much faster.  You can accomplish this through dirty looks, emails that contain emoticons of sad or green faces, and of course through the sarcastic "Thanks a lot for giving me the flu".  
3. If you must suffer so must the loved ones around you- no matter their current health status.  Complain as loudly and as often as you can.  Vocalizing your pain will indeed treat it almost as well as any medicine could (especially since you've already missed that window of getting the flu medicine- which you should also mention often)  If you happen to live a sad life alone with pets (aka me) - complain anyway.  If nothing else the looks those animals give you during your moments of groaning and whining will bring some entertainment to your quickly passing life.
4. Stock your bathroom.  I recommend the following -though I'm sure it's not a complete list-                           -a comfy pillow for those quick moments between episodes where you can rest without using                 much energy to go from room to room.                                                                                            - a blanket or two or three- At some point you will swear the heater no longer works in your              house and you wonder what will take you first- hypothermia or the flu.                                                - A fan - temperatures suddenly change very very quickly- be prepared.                                                - cleaning supplies - at some point you will need this- don't ask, just have it.                                        - All you electronics and chargers-  Entertainment, someplace to write your Will as you are                    dying in your bathroom, and a way to communicate to the outside world that you are                          hot/cold/hot/sick/dying/cold even if they are only two rooms over.  Refer back to #3. 
5. Drink lots of liquids.   It's probably the only chance of survival as nothing else will stay down and even if stuff stays down nothing sounds good and honestly you shouldn't tempt the little being inside you to kick you more.  
6. Sleep-  Remember that overtired, overstressed person who couldn't possibly have the flu.  Well now you have plenty of time to sleep, of course if you can get comfortable which is highly unlikely-especially since you are living in the bathroom.  You will be happy you followed #4.   
7. These three days will seem like an eternity and anyone who tells you 'It's only 3 days' should be thanked with a long good hug or a handshake or if they are extremely rude- a nice cough near them.  You can also hasten the removal of the flu by touching everything and anything in your path.  Share you disease.  If you must suffer- so should others.  We are taught to share all our life.

If you survive this flu, congratulate yourself.  Feel free to remind others as often as possible that you have just recovered from the flu.  You can use this as an excuse for several days to avoid lifting, cleaning, and knowing what is really going on around you.  I highly recommend if, I mean when, you do survive this flu you refer back to the steps on avoiding the flu as you can get it again.  Good luck and Good Health.

Please Note: I have absolutely no real medical training.  However I am a survivor of this flu and have brought experience to this blog post.   

Seriously though- I wouldn't wish this flu on my worst enemies (not that I have any) for fear they would give it to someone I truly didn't want to get it.