Reflecting on Little J's life!

Wow! I am getting worse and worse at updating this blog.   Little J (she's no longer a baby) turned 4 and as usual has not stopped going since.   We spent the summer being as busy as possible with gymnastics, horse back riding lessons (which sadly have not worked out so well) , swimming, and just having fun.   She is an amazing swimmer and no longer even takes her floaty with her to the pool.  She can swim the width of the pool when she wants, jumps like crazy, does tricks, and still scares pretty much everyone with her antics.   Little J still has no fear except irrational daily ones that come and go.   She wanted to ride a horse so bad and learn and was even in control of the horse by herself.  Unfortunately the lady that every one praised has kind of been a flake on setting up lessons and we only had two.   Maybe next summer we can get it worked out with her or somewhere.  Lessons are pretty pricey.

Little J has started Preschool and loves it.  She is learning her letters and numbers and I have no doubt will be reading by the end of the school year (though we are pretty sure she can now still).   She has a big heart and is kind to everyone.  She will still share whatever she has, even if it means giving away her piece of something.  Her life goal is to become a 'doctor that helps animals'.  
Everyday I am still amazed at all Little J can do and is learning.  She is extremely smart, despite her stubbornness to actual letters currently.   This past week someone I know had a preemie that was a week younger in gestation and seeing her pictures has brought back a lot of memories of J in the NICU.  (PS please pray for her little.  She is doing AMAZING, but anyone that knows anything about NICU life- prayers and good thoughts are still welcome).  It's hard to not reach out to her as well, because I see so many times doctors use worst case scenarios and honestly preemies are amazing warriors.  I follow a micro preemie site and you would not believe what the medical field can save and help now and how much they really are miracles.  This is really the first time I've thought much about the NICU as I have a hard time remembering my kid as that kid in the hospital.  I mean I know she was tiny and fought for her life and they almost lost her several times before I met her, including the day of our meeting.   But despite how amazed I am, she doesn't remind anyone fo a preemie.  Everyday though I'm impressed that I haven't killed her- we did not isolate, we are constantly busy, and lots fo other reasons.  But other than occasional ear issues and Jan-Feb, she's overall a very healthy, tall, active little girl.  In fact we keep getting asked if she's in Kindergarten (though I think that may be too because she speaks extremely well)
Many times I worry- as I'm a single parent and because of my job I have to work a lot.  I am always worried Little J isn't getting the attention and needs fulfilled that should be.  Granted she can come with me to part of my job time (which I'm extremely grateful for), but it's not the one on one time she should get.   She doesn't know her letters, she wants to be outside more, she isn't always getting the healthiest home cooked meals, and we aren't rich.  I'm also not the best house cleaner and don't always stay calm.
Yesterday I went to a musical called "Dear Evan Hansen".  I had known part of the storyline prior to going, but what I didn't expect was how hard it would hit me.   I now understand why parents and their kids are going together.  I Highly recommend seeing the show.  Theatre is a reflection of life, makes us look at our own life.  But most shows really make you look at the way society is and are hopeful you are not like it or like it depending on the show.  This was the first show I've seen that really is only about self reflection.   And it brought up some of those fears I have as a single parent.
The show is about two families- one a single parent home and one a two parent rich home.  It deals with the relationship between their teen and themselves and how one affects the other.  A boy, Evan, is at the center of it all.  A lonely boy who feels misplaced and invisible in life.  Everyone struggles to communicate and express with each other their feelings until the end.   The point when Evan yells thing at his mom (the never being there, no money, feeling unloved, etc) up until they realize the love that is there (PS this isn't really the whole show- go see it).  Everyone is crying in the audience, but my tears were different.  I could feel the pain of the mom's side and fears that I have becoming reality for her.  They are the same for the two parent home btw.  Thankfully in the show they do communicate eventually.  I didn't expect the show to so well cover both sides of that story, I just know it was mostly about Evan prior to going.   I also didn't expect it to hit me so hard.
I hope that J always feels comfortable talking to me.  I hope I can provide for her.  I hope I always find time for her and work never becomes a priority over her- even if it's what we need to survive.  I hope she always knows she is beautiful and wonderful the way she is.  I hope she knows that she is an asset to the world and we see her.  I hope my older age never becomes a barrier to trying to understand her- especially in the teen years.  Though I do have the advantage of being around teens all the time.  Like the mother in the show, I hope she knows that she is the best thing in my life and how blessed I feel to be her mom.  Most of all I hope she knows how much I love her and how much I love her for her.  She doesn't need to change or hide ever.
If you get a chance to see that musical I would encourage it.  It is a great way to connect and to start dialogue with your teen or preteen.  One of the teens with me said they wanted to be home to hug their mom after the show.  not only is it a great way to start conversations about their lives, but it covered social media, drugs, suicide, and that ever feeling of being alone.  The message is clear though- You will be found.  

2 more days... :-(

I know this comes as a surprise, but I have not done a great job keeping up this blog. But if you are friends you will know I overshare pics on facebook.
I'm extremely sad because I only have two more days of having a 3yr old.   Friday she will be 4.   And while I definitely don't like the tantrums, I absolutely love the age of 3.   It's been so much fun watching her grow into a little girl and at all times J is entertaining...even when she is on the ground throwing the massive tantrum in the most public of places.

Here are some things I'm learning about myself as I parent a toddler.

I didn't think she would ever leave the butterflies.

1. I overshare ...a lot....partially because I'm single and have no one at home to say "OMG did you see what she did today?"  Partially because my daughter is very loved and I have a lot of relatives that really enjoy seeing the pics of her.  Also she is freaking adorable....no seriously...like I'm not sure how one becomes this adorable. But the biggest reason is because EVERY thing she does is kind of a little miracle.  I mean she started out the size of a hand basically and was on the brink of death several times and faced more medical problems than most people will ever see in their lifetime. And at the time we had no idea what she would be capable of or how it would affect her (let alone if she would literally survive).  So maybe it's true with all babies and their parents, but to me every little step she moves forward amazes me.  And we have been more than blessed, because not only does she move forward with learning, but she is an extremely bright, healthy, kind hearted little girl.

she loves snow cones

2.  I take too many pictures and document everything---why?- because again adorable little girl---but also there is a little bit of fear, because I'm much older and well...I'll be pretty old by the time she even graduates.....and while our family does live long, they don't always live healthy.   I want her to
have the memories no matter what.  I also want her to know her life.  My baby book was started and stalled when my brother came along and sometimes I wonder about what I was like---my mom often tells me...but what if I can't tell her.   I've moved up====it used to be my only real fear was growing old and dying alone...now it's more focused on her.   :-)

last day of daycare.

3.  Having an child at an older age and after caring for other children, while I do have a few of the first time mom things, I pretty much suck at being a first time mom.   I'm the mom who says "well you got yourself into it, so get yourself out". or the mom who lets her fall and have natural

Her favorite book to read.

consequences (PS doesn't always mean I like it).   I don't call the doctor at the first sign of anything because kids will cough and sneeze and fall.  I will also walk right over her if she is having a tantrum.  I know I'm doing the best I can. though I could always do better.   We read constantly.   She doesn't have a tablet (despite her begging).  She eats pretty much anything.  And best of all she listens.  J is the type of first child who makes you think another one would be a great idea.  HAHA.  She hates being in trouble and she loves her mama very much.   I must be doing something ok though, because she is a confident, happy  and loving child.

J is an amazing little girl and watching her grow into a little one the last year has been awe-inspiring.

everyone curled up on mom's bed

She potty trained both day and night suddenly right before 3.5yrs. She constantly talks and now tells stories.  She loves books and we read every day.  She loves to 'read' them back to me or to take a book and tell stories from the pictures.  She also likes to draw and 'write letters' - which all look like O's.   But she will tell you exactly what it says.   She is a sponge and learns so quickly and retains information almost word for word.   She wants to know everything and will ask all the right questions to learn it.   I will eventually have to rotate out her books to know when she can really read because she has them all memorized.   My favorite thing is to listen to her in her bed reading, and singing.   she loves to sing and most of her stories are in sing song.  Her vocabulary is beyond her age and amazes me.   She does not stop talking ever.

J is a climber and climbs everything....and I mean EVERYTHING.  She has no fear which is both good and bad, or at least very interesting.  She loves the monkey bars at the park and is starting her 4th month of gymnastics on her birthday.  She begged me to put her in gymnastics and I ask her every month if she still wants to go and she does.   It both amazes and scares me watching her climb on top of things.   She is also excelling at swimming.  We are not doing lessons for that, but we go a few times a month and the water is her happy place still.  She loves going under and can now swim about 20 feet because she can sometimes even come up for air and continue swimming.  If you set her up she can back float if she will stay still long enough- that's hard for a little one who never stops moving.  Recently we have been working on going downward in a little deeper water to retrieve toys.  She must swim part of the time without her vest and then we put on her puddle jumper vest for the last part.

not our puppy..but still cute

I think the thing that amazes me the most about J is her heart.  She is kind, polite, and always thinking of others.  If you gave her one piece of candy, she would still offer to share it.   When papa gives her cookies, she always takes two so she can give one to mom.    And it goes beyond family.  Just the other day we were at the splash park and had taken a new ball.  Despite it was the first time she got to play with it, she shared it

with all the other kids and made sure everyone that wanted to got to play with it.   She almost always says please and thank you with out prompting.  I've watched her reach out to people who are sad and try to comfort them.  She even stayed friends with a little girl that kept biting her for a couple months.  She wants to fix everyone's boo boos.   She is amazing with all animals and loves to love on them.   If there is a puppy near---that's where she will be...or a cat or a rat or a horse or a bug.   We go to the pet store often just to play with puppies and she always chooses the tiniest ones, but she is so good with them.  She loves on our pets too, even Sebastian our old grumpy dog.  She is still very very obsessed with horses.  We have our first horse riding lesson set up so we will see how it goes.  I'm pretty amazed that she has kept up with this obsession for so long, but every day she still asks to ride a horse.  I think we could both love living with lots of animals.   I hope her heart never changes and she is always this caring and kind to others, because in the end that is all that matters.

Reading at the library to dogs

Next year she will be attending preschool and she is so excited.  She passed all the testing with flying colors this time around and actually excelled at most of them.  They were shocked at her reasoning skills.  I thought she wouldn't do well because despite memorizing books, she doesn't know her ABC's and numbers (or so she doesn't show it to me).   However that wasn't actually part of the screening so that was cool.  I think once she figures those out she will be reading pretty quickly.  My parents and I swear she can read already...and maybe she can..she tends to master a skill before showing anyone.

Basically baby J who is no longer a baby and amazes me everyday.  She makes me laugh and keeps me from sinking into life problems.   I wish I could be more for her---a better housekeeper, a healthier mom,  less socially awkward, more confident, provide more, more financially stable (I want to show her the world) because she deserves it and despite my inadequacies, I think she will make a difference in the world.  She probably deserves a better mom, but I'm glad she is mine.  I'm so sad to see age 3 disappear but am so excited to continue to watch her grow.