Reflecting on Little J's life!

Wow! I am getting worse and worse at updating this blog.   Little J (she's no longer a baby) turned 4 and as usual has not stopped going since.   We spent the summer being as busy as possible with gymnastics, horse back riding lessons (which sadly have not worked out so well) , swimming, and just having fun.   She is an amazing swimmer and no longer even takes her floaty with her to the pool.  She can swim the width of the pool when she wants, jumps like crazy, does tricks, and still scares pretty much everyone with her antics.   Little J still has no fear except irrational daily ones that come and go.   She wanted to ride a horse so bad and learn and was even in control of the horse by herself.  Unfortunately the lady that every one praised has kind of been a flake on setting up lessons and we only had two.   Maybe next summer we can get it worked out with her or somewhere.  Lessons are pretty pricey.

Little J has started Preschool and loves it.  She is learning her letters and numbers and I have no doubt will be reading by the end of the school year (though we are pretty sure she can now still).   She has a big heart and is kind to everyone.  She will still share whatever she has, even if it means giving away her piece of something.  Her life goal is to become a 'doctor that helps animals'.  
Everyday I am still amazed at all Little J can do and is learning.  She is extremely smart, despite her stubbornness to actual letters currently.   This past week someone I know had a preemie that was a week younger in gestation and seeing her pictures has brought back a lot of memories of J in the NICU.  (PS please pray for her little.  She is doing AMAZING, but anyone that knows anything about NICU life- prayers and good thoughts are still welcome).  It's hard to not reach out to her as well, because I see so many times doctors use worst case scenarios and honestly preemies are amazing warriors.  I follow a micro preemie site and you would not believe what the medical field can save and help now and how much they really are miracles.  This is really the first time I've thought much about the NICU as I have a hard time remembering my kid as that kid in the hospital.  I mean I know she was tiny and fought for her life and they almost lost her several times before I met her, including the day of our meeting.   But despite how amazed I am, she doesn't remind anyone fo a preemie.  Everyday though I'm impressed that I haven't killed her- we did not isolate, we are constantly busy, and lots fo other reasons.  But other than occasional ear issues and Jan-Feb, she's overall a very healthy, tall, active little girl.  In fact we keep getting asked if she's in Kindergarten (though I think that may be too because she speaks extremely well)
Many times I worry- as I'm a single parent and because of my job I have to work a lot.  I am always worried Little J isn't getting the attention and needs fulfilled that should be.  Granted she can come with me to part of my job time (which I'm extremely grateful for), but it's not the one on one time she should get.   She doesn't know her letters, she wants to be outside more, she isn't always getting the healthiest home cooked meals, and we aren't rich.  I'm also not the best house cleaner and don't always stay calm.
Yesterday I went to a musical called "Dear Evan Hansen".  I had known part of the storyline prior to going, but what I didn't expect was how hard it would hit me.   I now understand why parents and their kids are going together.  I Highly recommend seeing the show.  Theatre is a reflection of life, makes us look at our own life.  But most shows really make you look at the way society is and are hopeful you are not like it or like it depending on the show.  This was the first show I've seen that really is only about self reflection.   And it brought up some of those fears I have as a single parent.
The show is about two families- one a single parent home and one a two parent rich home.  It deals with the relationship between their teen and themselves and how one affects the other.  A boy, Evan, is at the center of it all.  A lonely boy who feels misplaced and invisible in life.  Everyone struggles to communicate and express with each other their feelings until the end.   The point when Evan yells thing at his mom (the never being there, no money, feeling unloved, etc) up until they realize the love that is there (PS this isn't really the whole show- go see it).  Everyone is crying in the audience, but my tears were different.  I could feel the pain of the mom's side and fears that I have becoming reality for her.  They are the same for the two parent home btw.  Thankfully in the show they do communicate eventually.  I didn't expect the show to so well cover both sides of that story, I just know it was mostly about Evan prior to going.   I also didn't expect it to hit me so hard.
I hope that J always feels comfortable talking to me.  I hope I can provide for her.  I hope I always find time for her and work never becomes a priority over her- even if it's what we need to survive.  I hope she always knows she is beautiful and wonderful the way she is.  I hope she knows that she is an asset to the world and we see her.  I hope my older age never becomes a barrier to trying to understand her- especially in the teen years.  Though I do have the advantage of being around teens all the time.  Like the mother in the show, I hope she knows that she is the best thing in my life and how blessed I feel to be her mom.  Most of all I hope she knows how much I love her and how much I love her for her.  She doesn't need to change or hide ever.
If you get a chance to see that musical I would encourage it.  It is a great way to connect and to start dialogue with your teen or preteen.  One of the teens with me said they wanted to be home to hug their mom after the show.  not only is it a great way to start conversations about their lives, but it covered social media, drugs, suicide, and that ever feeling of being alone.  The message is clear though- You will be found.