Reflecting on Little J's life!

Wow! I am getting worse and worse at updating this blog.   Little J (she's no longer a baby) turned 4 and as usual has not stopped going since.   We spent the summer being as busy as possible with gymnastics, horse back riding lessons (which sadly have not worked out so well) , swimming, and just having fun.   She is an amazing swimmer and no longer even takes her floaty with her to the pool.  She can swim the width of the pool when she wants, jumps like crazy, does tricks, and still scares pretty much everyone with her antics.   Little J still has no fear except irrational daily ones that come and go.   She wanted to ride a horse so bad and learn and was even in control of the horse by herself.  Unfortunately the lady that every one praised has kind of been a flake on setting up lessons and we only had two.   Maybe next summer we can get it worked out with her or somewhere.  Lessons are pretty pricey.

Little J has started Preschool and loves it.  She is learning her letters and numbers and I have no doubt will be reading by the end of the school year (though we are pretty sure she can now still).   She has a big heart and is kind to everyone.  She will still share whatever she has, even if it means giving away her piece of something.  Her life goal is to become a 'doctor that helps animals'.  
Everyday I am still amazed at all Little J can do and is learning.  She is extremely smart, despite her stubbornness to actual letters currently.   This past week someone I know had a preemie that was a week younger in gestation and seeing her pictures has brought back a lot of memories of J in the NICU.  (PS please pray for her little.  She is doing AMAZING, but anyone that knows anything about NICU life- prayers and good thoughts are still welcome).  It's hard to not reach out to her as well, because I see so many times doctors use worst case scenarios and honestly preemies are amazing warriors.  I follow a micro preemie site and you would not believe what the medical field can save and help now and how much they really are miracles.  This is really the first time I've thought much about the NICU as I have a hard time remembering my kid as that kid in the hospital.  I mean I know she was tiny and fought for her life and they almost lost her several times before I met her, including the day of our meeting.   But despite how amazed I am, she doesn't remind anyone fo a preemie.  Everyday though I'm impressed that I haven't killed her- we did not isolate, we are constantly busy, and lots fo other reasons.  But other than occasional ear issues and Jan-Feb, she's overall a very healthy, tall, active little girl.  In fact we keep getting asked if she's in Kindergarten (though I think that may be too because she speaks extremely well)
Many times I worry- as I'm a single parent and because of my job I have to work a lot.  I am always worried Little J isn't getting the attention and needs fulfilled that should be.  Granted she can come with me to part of my job time (which I'm extremely grateful for), but it's not the one on one time she should get.   She doesn't know her letters, she wants to be outside more, she isn't always getting the healthiest home cooked meals, and we aren't rich.  I'm also not the best house cleaner and don't always stay calm.
Yesterday I went to a musical called "Dear Evan Hansen".  I had known part of the storyline prior to going, but what I didn't expect was how hard it would hit me.   I now understand why parents and their kids are going together.  I Highly recommend seeing the show.  Theatre is a reflection of life, makes us look at our own life.  But most shows really make you look at the way society is and are hopeful you are not like it or like it depending on the show.  This was the first show I've seen that really is only about self reflection.   And it brought up some of those fears I have as a single parent.
The show is about two families- one a single parent home and one a two parent rich home.  It deals with the relationship between their teen and themselves and how one affects the other.  A boy, Evan, is at the center of it all.  A lonely boy who feels misplaced and invisible in life.  Everyone struggles to communicate and express with each other their feelings until the end.   The point when Evan yells thing at his mom (the never being there, no money, feeling unloved, etc) up until they realize the love that is there (PS this isn't really the whole show- go see it).  Everyone is crying in the audience, but my tears were different.  I could feel the pain of the mom's side and fears that I have becoming reality for her.  They are the same for the two parent home btw.  Thankfully in the show they do communicate eventually.  I didn't expect the show to so well cover both sides of that story, I just know it was mostly about Evan prior to going.   I also didn't expect it to hit me so hard.
I hope that J always feels comfortable talking to me.  I hope I can provide for her.  I hope I always find time for her and work never becomes a priority over her- even if it's what we need to survive.  I hope she always knows she is beautiful and wonderful the way she is.  I hope she knows that she is an asset to the world and we see her.  I hope my older age never becomes a barrier to trying to understand her- especially in the teen years.  Though I do have the advantage of being around teens all the time.  Like the mother in the show, I hope she knows that she is the best thing in my life and how blessed I feel to be her mom.  Most of all I hope she knows how much I love her and how much I love her for her.  She doesn't need to change or hide ever.
If you get a chance to see that musical I would encourage it.  It is a great way to connect and to start dialogue with your teen or preteen.  One of the teens with me said they wanted to be home to hug their mom after the show.  not only is it a great way to start conversations about their lives, but it covered social media, drugs, suicide, and that ever feeling of being alone.  The message is clear though- You will be found.  

2 more days... :-(

I know this comes as a surprise, but I have not done a great job keeping up this blog. But if you are friends you will know I overshare pics on facebook.
I'm extremely sad because I only have two more days of having a 3yr old.   Friday she will be 4.   And while I definitely don't like the tantrums, I absolutely love the age of 3.   It's been so much fun watching her grow into a little girl and at all times J is entertaining...even when she is on the ground throwing the massive tantrum in the most public of places.

Here are some things I'm learning about myself as I parent a toddler.

I didn't think she would ever leave the butterflies.

1. I overshare ...a lot....partially because I'm single and have no one at home to say "OMG did you see what she did today?"  Partially because my daughter is very loved and I have a lot of relatives that really enjoy seeing the pics of her.  Also she is freaking adorable....no seriously...like I'm not sure how one becomes this adorable. But the biggest reason is because EVERY thing she does is kind of a little miracle.  I mean she started out the size of a hand basically and was on the brink of death several times and faced more medical problems than most people will ever see in their lifetime. And at the time we had no idea what she would be capable of or how it would affect her (let alone if she would literally survive).  So maybe it's true with all babies and their parents, but to me every little step she moves forward amazes me.  And we have been more than blessed, because not only does she move forward with learning, but she is an extremely bright, healthy, kind hearted little girl.

she loves snow cones

2.  I take too many pictures and document everything---why?- because again adorable little girl---but also there is a little bit of fear, because I'm much older and well...I'll be pretty old by the time she even graduates.....and while our family does live long, they don't always live healthy.   I want her to
have the memories no matter what.  I also want her to know her life.  My baby book was started and stalled when my brother came along and sometimes I wonder about what I was like---my mom often tells me...but what if I can't tell her.   I've moved up====it used to be my only real fear was growing old and dying alone...now it's more focused on her.   :-)

last day of daycare.

3.  Having an child at an older age and after caring for other children, while I do have a few of the first time mom things, I pretty much suck at being a first time mom.   I'm the mom who says "well you got yourself into it, so get yourself out". or the mom who lets her fall and have natural

Her favorite book to read.

consequences (PS doesn't always mean I like it).   I don't call the doctor at the first sign of anything because kids will cough and sneeze and fall.  I will also walk right over her if she is having a tantrum.  I know I'm doing the best I can. though I could always do better.   We read constantly.   She doesn't have a tablet (despite her begging).  She eats pretty much anything.  And best of all she listens.  J is the type of first child who makes you think another one would be a great idea.  HAHA.  She hates being in trouble and she loves her mama very much.   I must be doing something ok though, because she is a confident, happy  and loving child.

J is an amazing little girl and watching her grow into a little one the last year has been awe-inspiring.

everyone curled up on mom's bed

She potty trained both day and night suddenly right before 3.5yrs. She constantly talks and now tells stories.  She loves books and we read every day.  She loves to 'read' them back to me or to take a book and tell stories from the pictures.  She also likes to draw and 'write letters' - which all look like O's.   But she will tell you exactly what it says.   She is a sponge and learns so quickly and retains information almost word for word.   She wants to know everything and will ask all the right questions to learn it.   I will eventually have to rotate out her books to know when she can really read because she has them all memorized.   My favorite thing is to listen to her in her bed reading, and singing.   she loves to sing and most of her stories are in sing song.  Her vocabulary is beyond her age and amazes me.   She does not stop talking ever.

J is a climber and climbs everything....and I mean EVERYTHING.  She has no fear which is both good and bad, or at least very interesting.  She loves the monkey bars at the park and is starting her 4th month of gymnastics on her birthday.  She begged me to put her in gymnastics and I ask her every month if she still wants to go and she does.   It both amazes and scares me watching her climb on top of things.   She is also excelling at swimming.  We are not doing lessons for that, but we go a few times a month and the water is her happy place still.  She loves going under and can now swim about 20 feet because she can sometimes even come up for air and continue swimming.  If you set her up she can back float if she will stay still long enough- that's hard for a little one who never stops moving.  Recently we have been working on going downward in a little deeper water to retrieve toys.  She must swim part of the time without her vest and then we put on her puddle jumper vest for the last part.

not our puppy..but still cute

I think the thing that amazes me the most about J is her heart.  She is kind, polite, and always thinking of others.  If you gave her one piece of candy, she would still offer to share it.   When papa gives her cookies, she always takes two so she can give one to mom.    And it goes beyond family.  Just the other day we were at the splash park and had taken a new ball.  Despite it was the first time she got to play with it, she shared it

with all the other kids and made sure everyone that wanted to got to play with it.   She almost always says please and thank you with out prompting.  I've watched her reach out to people who are sad and try to comfort them.  She even stayed friends with a little girl that kept biting her for a couple months.  She wants to fix everyone's boo boos.   She is amazing with all animals and loves to love on them.   If there is a puppy near---that's where she will be...or a cat or a rat or a horse or a bug.   We go to the pet store often just to play with puppies and she always chooses the tiniest ones, but she is so good with them.  She loves on our pets too, even Sebastian our old grumpy dog.  She is still very very obsessed with horses.  We have our first horse riding lesson set up so we will see how it goes.  I'm pretty amazed that she has kept up with this obsession for so long, but every day she still asks to ride a horse.  I think we could both love living with lots of animals.   I hope her heart never changes and she is always this caring and kind to others, because in the end that is all that matters.

Reading at the library to dogs

Next year she will be attending preschool and she is so excited.  She passed all the testing with flying colors this time around and actually excelled at most of them.  They were shocked at her reasoning skills.  I thought she wouldn't do well because despite memorizing books, she doesn't know her ABC's and numbers (or so she doesn't show it to me).   However that wasn't actually part of the screening so that was cool.  I think once she figures those out she will be reading pretty quickly.  My parents and I swear she can read already...and maybe she can..she tends to master a skill before showing anyone.

Basically baby J who is no longer a baby and amazes me everyday.  She makes me laugh and keeps me from sinking into life problems.   I wish I could be more for her---a better housekeeper, a healthier mom,  less socially awkward, more confident, provide more, more financially stable (I want to show her the world) because she deserves it and despite my inadequacies, I think she will make a difference in the world.  She probably deserves a better mom, but I'm glad she is mine.  I'm so sad to see age 3 disappear but am so excited to continue to watch her grow.

The Tragicomedy of Potty Training

Currently my cutie is eating ice cream...which is all she needs after a week of trick or treating.  However she deserves it.
Last August, J got on a potty and wanted to start using it.  I though she was going to potty train like she did everything else- quickly and basically on her own.  She dropped a pacifier around 6 months, we switched away from a bottle at 1yr.....I was hoping Potty training would be the same.   Sadly it has not been.  Here we are a little over a year later and school started and people made us feel bad for not being potty trained, which is ridiculous because every child is different and I wasn't to worried.  
But unfortunately with that came anxiety about daycare for my little one and I was at a loss as what to do.   She was mostly staying dry at daycare, just couldn't get the whole pooing thing down.  Well about 2.5 weeks ago she suddenly started using the potty.   Two weeks ago tomorrow was the last time she had a poopy accident.  And actually since then she only had two accidents.  The reason for the ice cream---it's been one week of complete no accidents dry.  Including night time!!!!
In other news she throws tantrums about daycare and it saddens me, but over all she's doing so well.   Uses such big words, is finally interacting well and a lot with others.  We went to the doctor and she has grown another Inch since June and finally made it over 30lbs.   Thank goodness she is still smaller though cause she wants to be held a lot lately.  
J still loves horses, singing, and reading.   She is still learning every day and I love watching it.  

Summer is Over!

Well it's that time of year again when summer officially has come to an end.   J and I had a great summer.  We swam, spent time with friends and family, went to Colorado, the zoo, and many other things.   We have had a lot of fun this summer.   Today was the first day back for daycare and work.


I'll be honest, the summer hasn't been easy.  Age 3 is proving to be a bigger challenge than I ever thought possible and there are days I did not think we were going to make it.   My daughter can throw a tantrum like no other and because her language is ver well developed she can also argue quite well. In fact there are days I forget she just turned 3.   I wouldn't mind the tantrums if she would stop doing something dangerous at the same time.  Throwing herself off high places, climbing out of shopping carts, and flinging herself at people.  It's harder to ignore when you have to worry about safety.

Over the summer J had tubes put in her ears and now can hear so much better.  Neither of us have been sick (well except for a couple days when I had food poisoning).  She is doing things more and more on her own, even if she can't really accomplish it she tries.   She tries to tread water and scares everyone in the pool, its her happy place.   I love watching her in the pool.  She is 100% convinced she has a pink birthday coming up and has been very persistent in planning it.   Still loves animals and talks about riding a horse daily.

I love watching her grown and try things.   J is still very attached to me, but she is getting more independent more often and loves adventure.  We even went down a mountain slide this summer.  When we finished she told grandma "We made it".   Now she's trying out gymnastics and dance classes at the local Y and it's interesting to see her in there.   She cannot sit still at all.  It will be interesting to see if this continues or she outgrows it.  I'm guessing when she reaches school age, I will be in a lot of meetings with teachers.

It amazes me everyday how much she has grown and how far she's come.  Those NICU days seem

like a dream more than reality.   This summer she finally made it to 30lbs and I'm pretty sure she has grown another inch since June.

We even had our first time away from each other.   I got to go to a Leadership summit and it's the longest we have been away from each other.   It was rough some nights when I talked to her, but we both survived and so did the grandparents.  :-)  

My hope for this year is that she continues to learn, get fully potty trained (that's a whole other issue), and has more fun with my students.  I'm hoping this year she won't be so attached when we are at school.   We may struggle some days and our finances may be totally messed up, but I wouldn't trade her for the world.  

Officially 3!!!

Well I officially have a 3 year old.   Baby J is definitely no longer a baby.  A 3yr old that spent two months planning her party---which we had last Sunday.  She is turning into a caring, loving, and smart little girl.  We are blessed daily by her happy  mood and loving nature.   There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how lucky I am.  Not only am I lucky to be her mother, but for being born with such a rough start she is still extremely healthy and happy.   J is still as active as she was the day I met her, she never stops moving or talking now.   She loves to sing, loves animals of all kinds, and is happiest in the water.   I get daily and hourly hugs and kisses and my favorite moments are were she suddenly leans into me and says "I love you"
Overall J is a very happy child, always wanting to explore and try new things.  She still has NO fear and climbs everything.  She is still possessed with horses, plays with every kitty and pets every dog she sees.   She is still a little clingy, but she is quite the independent child when she wants to be.  She is almost always singing and if you catch her in a bathroom or a place that echos, she will sing at the top of her lungs...or just give her a microphone and she will do the same.   Miss J is the most polite toddler I've ever met.  She uses her please and thank you's well and often will end the day thanking me for taking her somewhere or letting her do something.  She always talks in complete sentences and although her speech has

become a little muddled lately- she can use big words better than many of my students.   It amazes me how much J loves the water.  She jumps in and swims about 10 feet really well, and if she could figure out how to get her head up to breath she would make it further (and does when we put on floatation support).  I make her swim for awhile without a vest and then she puts it on and is all over the place.   Lately she has been trying to do summersaults in the pool.  Last week she had her first swimming lesson and while she struggles to stay near the wall (she just loves the water so much) she did very well.  Of course she can already do the skills they are teaching her.  Although her tv watching is still limited (and very sheltered), she loves Puppy Pals, Little Einsteins, and Mickey Mouse.   There are very few other characters she knows because we do limit her tv.  J has also gotten more interested in her baby dolls or anything she can stick a diaper on.  A couple dolls and stuffed animals have now gone out with us.   Most of the time she is a very good mommy to them.


Seeing life though the eyes of a toddler reminds you of all the good things in the world.   This child is the very definition of a learning sponge and takes in so much of the world and always wants more.   She loves books and reading and crafty things, but equally loves being outdoors.  If you ask her, what ever she is doing at the moment or whoever she is with is her favorite in the whole world (though momma is always top of that at all times).  While she drives me insane sometimes, she makes me laugh daily and I still think she may be the most adorable thing ever.  
We have had lots of adventures over the last few months and I'm looking forward to many more.  

As of Tuesday- she made it to 30lbs 3 oz and was still 37inch tall (according to the scales at the orthopedic doctor).   For a baby that started at just over 1lb and had ever strike it seems against her, we have been so lucky with everything, but especially health.  Since our hospital stay in February,  J has been pretty healthy- except for a bought of Strep throat, everything else has been allergy related for the most part.   We did discover that she wasn't hearing well, but will be getting tubes in a couple weeks and hope that will solve all of that (which is also why we are pretty sure she sounds more muddled lately).  She also has been complaining that her back hurts so we are following through with checking that up since it's been going on since being released from the hospital in February.  Night time is a little bit of a nightmare still, because seriously this child doesn't sleep.   She still doesn't randomly fall asleep like most kids her age and it is usually a two hour process to get her to sleep, so there are moments in the day where it's a little harder to be grateful- but I wouldn't trade her for the world.   She moved into a big girl bed this week and once she is asleep, does really well in it.  She still has to hold my hand to go to sleep, which is both frustrating and the cutest thing ever.  And she stopped suddenly asking for her cup a couple weeks ago so that wasn't a big fight to not have it in bed--except one night, but I just told her she couldn't have it in the big girl bed.  It's so nice to have a child that stops things on her own- gave up her pacifier at 7months, bottle at 12 months, started sort of potty training on her own at just over 2 yrs.   We are still working on potty training, and for the most part she does stay dry, but BM are an iss
ue and she doesn't seem to know she is going which is why we stopped trying to hard during the school year.  I'm hoping we conquer it this summer.

Last month J was evaluated for 3yr old preschool.   She was way ahead in most areas, except cognitive---colors, sorting, knowing her alphabet---all things that are taught.   Part of the reason she didn't do as well is because she wouldn't do things for them- like saying the alphabet, which she knows.   However,  we are going to work hard on colors and matching this summer and some other things we just haven't really focused on as much as we probably should have.    

I can't believe how much Miss J has grown and what a wonderful little girl she is.   Having a toddler is a constant reflection of myself and it's interesting to see.   Despite being adopted, J is so much like me in so many ways.   I am so lucky to be her mom, and I look forward to continuing to see her grow into the person she will be.  

Baby J's Scare!

In case you were not aware, I have the most polite, bright, funny, and crazy little 2yr old.   (well 2yr 9months old)  I don't write as much on this blog as I used to but know there are people who still like to know about baby J---who is definitely not a baby anymore.   The past couple months have been crazy.
Last month was the scariest it's gotten with Baby J since she and I were matched.   After last year and being at the doctor pretty much every other week, I was so impressed we had made it through the Winter with only one visit, but then I opened my mouth about it being a year since we had been sick and things quickly took a turn.   In hindsight it was much worse than I realized at the time.  A cough is not unusual with my daughter because of her asthma, but suddenly one Sunday you could tell she was very sick.  Monday I stayed home and Tuesday my parents kept her home.  She had stopped eating and by Tuesday wasn't drinking hardly anything.   Something moved me to call home one last time as school was ending and I decided to call the doctor again- we had gone on Monday and was told she was fine.
Thankfully they had us come in and as we drove to the doctor's office, I could literally see my daughter get worse.  She was dozing off in the car and was extremely lethargic.   Unless she is extremely tired, my kid does not just randomly fall asleep EVER. and rarely does she sleep in the car even.   The PA did not like what she was seeing and we were sent to the hospital for a direct admit.   We still had to go through the emergency room and it was full of sick kids and you could see the germs in the air.   At 2:00am that night x rays were taken and we were moved to the PICU from Pediatric wing where Baby J was put on high flow oxygen.  The next day we were told she had RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus).   RSV is common in preemies and we have been so lucky we haven't been in with it prior to this.  Overall the care we received was good (minus a doctor), but we weren't seeing any change and J had to have a feeding tube put in.    While we saw a few improvements during the weekend, she really hadn't improved much, but the PICU was ready to get

My daughter loves Art

us moved.  The pediatric doctor came in and decided because of the x rays they had done earlier in the week and the fact that J was complaining of a stomach ache to treat her for bacterial pneumonia as well.  Thankfully within 12 hours we were seeing huge improvements. And while she wasn't 100%, she was sent home on Monday night.    Looking back, I realize that we actually probably almost lost her on the Tuesday night.  I don't know what prompted me to recall the doctor- I avoid them as much as possible and we had just gone, but I'm so glad we did.   I'm also sooooo thankful for family and friends that came to visit or sent words of love.   MY parents were awesome and kept J home another week before she went back into Toddler germ world.

She loves the zoo!

It's amazing to watch J as she is learning so fast these days.   She talks NONSTOP...seriously.  While she doesn't always talk in public, her vocabulary and understanding is further than I ever though a 2yr old could be.   "Snow is Beautiful"  "Thank you for having me" "Please help me" "I love you, Mommy"
are some things I hear.   And then there are things like "A cow goes donkey donk"  Yes she does know what a cow says.  Silly girl.   She is so polite and always says thank you and you're welcome.   She can now count to ten and does so constantly.  She can do most of her alphabet, sing many songs, and can do most anything herself--whether I want her to or not.     We have conversations.  She can also swim on her own- and this past week started
jumping off the wall and bringing herself to the top...she also has started to jump off many other very unsafe things---we are still working on safety.   Still in love with horses and animals and books.
While there are days and moments when she drives me insane, I love this little girl.   She is a kind, polite, loving little girl and I get hugs and kisses from her every day.   Someday I know she won't be as affectionate as she is now so I won't take it for granted.  

Where is time going?

at 2:30am New Year's eve!

So last month, baby J turned 2 1/2 and is now 2yrs 7 months.  Where did the time go.   She has been becoming quite the character.   I love watching the growth she has made in so many things.

First, health wise she is doing very well.  At her 2.5 checkup, they kept measuring her height as they weren't sure it was correct.  In a 6 month period she had grown 3 inches.  At that point she was 36.3 inches.  She's a tall one.   In the 6 month period though she had only gained 2lbs so her BMI right now is 3%.  She's tall and skinny--though to those lugging her around she feels so much heavier.  Other than her winter inhaler, we've been lucky and she's stayed pretty healthy so far.   Of course the weather is warmer to this year.   We did see an orthopedic surgeon who is going to monitor her hips.  They are not completely turned in as far as they should be but thankfully he did another X-ray and determined it wasn't as bad as it first appeared.  We go back in a few months to make sure there is progress.

J now repeats back books pretty well, tells stories (and is remembering events), and is no longer
 parallel playing.  It's been so much fun the last month watching her play with cousins and interacting more with people.   Each night we go over her day and she tells me all about it.   Her obsession with horses continues and is always part of the conversation.   This year I understood a little more about what it was like to see Christmas through your child's eyes.  She didn't really catch on to it until right before Christmas, but she had fun---especially after going light looking.   Of course she was over spoiled and showered with gifts.  

Baby J still loves to sing and now will sing into microphones which is adorable.  Her vocabulary continues to expand and even though I know she talks well she still blows me away with all she says. The last few days she has participated in conversations by repeating them all as they are being said.   We still read a lot, go swimming when we can, and visit with family and friends.   We survived another musical, the holidays and this past week she survived her longest time away from me (3 nights and days) while I was at conference.   Oh and this past month she decided to finally start counting so I could hear and does well till 10---but 8,9,10 comes after that ever time.   It's cute.   J is so curious and if she doesn't know what it is she asks.   Tonight we watched a movie and she gave commentary the whole way through.  

This girl has no fear!

This little girl is so cute and I'm so lucky to have her.  Don't get me wrong, she is a 2yr old and can very much be one.   Nighttime is a nightmare and sometimes she throws huge tantrums.  Lately we have had some big moments of not listening, but when she says I love you momma, my heart still melts.   She has a strong, bossy personality--I can't imagine where she gets that from.   she climbs on EVERYTHING and out of everything and has no fear (except being away from mom).   But I'm so lucky to be able to watch this miracle baby grow into a fun loving, smart, polite little girl.