The Waiting Game

Sometimes I wish I had on off button to my brain or at least the power to make it un-focus on the one thing it tends to focus on.  Every time I'm told my profile is being shown to yet another birth mother...it takes over my every free thought.   All I can think about is that.   No matter how hard I try each time it just keeps on creeping right into my every thought.   And then I build up hope only to get it crushed each time.   Sometimes I try to stop thinking about it because --well maybe I'm causing it not to happen.  Or maybe if I don't spend every consuming moment it won't happen.  The struggle is real.  

Each time it comes to this wait time- the point from which they ask to show my profile and being told I wasn't chosen (always about a week of torture)- I start preplanning.  That's the way I am.  What will I do with my work, what do I need to go get.  How will I tell people?  And then I realize I've been turned down 8 times already...so the likely hood of this time happening is probably zero to none....So I start the process of bringing down my hope level so as not to fall so far.  It doesn't last long though before I'm thinking what if again.   I think this is the hardest part of the process for me, partially because it's happened so many times in the past year and because while I try not to let it get to me, each time is a huge disappointment and harder to take each time.   

Each time I'm told my profile is being shown I create a plan of action to happen the moment I'm told yes....I've got it worked out in my mind how to tell my parents, what and where to go to get things, how I'm going to make it work in the middle of a show or during a show and the excitement of this possibly happening finally for me.  And then the call or the email comes and I feel like I've come crashing down from the top of a mountain.

I really want this to happen.  I so badly want to be a mom.   I never thought I would be single and without kids, but this is the way life has turned out.   I have no problems being an adopted mom, but I really really want it to happen soon.  I'm not sure how many more times my heart can take being told "sorry you weren't chosen- the birth mother decided to go with a different couple".

So keep me in your thoughts as again my profile is shown...I sure hope it can happen this time.