I am at a crossroads. As many know I love my job. I like working with the kids, I like creating the semi masterpieces we make, and this is where I planned on retiring. i don't like big changes. Especially changes where it may not work out. Unfortunately my administration has made it very clear and continues to make it clear they no longer want me there. I've been targeted, censured and harassed for the past year and an email today stating part of my job has been given to someone else, it quite obvious they have no intentions of stopping this. Which is sad and hard and heartbreaking. I have done nothing wrong (granted like everyone I know I could always do better). I even had excellent evaluations last year and yearly I increase my class size and my extracurricular numbers. It literally is tearing my heart to pieces- I follow rules, I'm the good girl, the one who always does right for everyone else (ok unless you are dumb and I just don't agree)...no seriously though I would always help someone else before myself if at all possible. So it looks like I have less than nine months left at my job (less so if I could find another job that pays well enough to pay my bills- of which there are many) I truly wish it were one of those times I was overthinking the problem, but it's not.
What is funny..is even as my work life has decreased in positive things, I still worry constantly about what will happen if suddenly they called with a baby. I know I can't just drop my work life because it affects my students...but should I really even care since the job itself obviously doesn't care about me... (AND i'm not talking about my students- who oddly enough do like me and are a major positive in my life) I work hard at my job and it does take a massive amount of my life, but I like it and I do as good a job as I can. I want those kids to succeed and I know they count on me.
I'm scared. I'm worried. And I don't want to go, but I will have to. And all of my current options in life leave me with a lot of questions...especially about adopting.
How much more do I have to be torn down before enough is enough? How can I change the situation? How do I find somewhere that can pay all my debts?
If I have to get a different job will they let me adopt? If I can't find a job- what happens to the adoption process? I can't start that over, nor will I. How in the heck am I going to afford the adoption with a different job, when I already struggle with debt now? Maybe it's a sign I shouldn't continue. Will I have to give up everything in my life I ever thought I wanted. I've already given up on the husband and being loved. Do I have to give up on my dream job and any family of my own? It feels like life is screaming at me, "you have planned everything WRONG!" Is there really a point to my life? Is it really right of me- a person who's life is falling apart to actually be a mother to a child? Wouldn't it be better not to put another living being into your problemed life?
I wish I could see in the future and see that everything was going to work out. But that light at the end of the tunnel keeps moving further away...or there is something big blocking it. So why am I writing this...for sympathy...not really. for encouragement..probably To help others realize everyone has problem...sure. I know things will get better....or at least I'm going to keep thinking that.
BTW I can't thank those of you who have listened to me vent and cry and be frustrated this last year enough. Your support through this extremely difficult year has been truly appreciated.
PS- despite all my comments above please note I truly do love teaching kids and theatre (even the truly difficult kids) and though I sometimes am not sure I will ever be a mom, I am a good mom and will be awesome at it. In fact they will be somewhat spoiled. See the cute bed I got.....
And I got a Dr. Pepper- so that helps!
No comments:
Post a Comment