Blue Skies are coming!

Don't get to excited, still no adoption.  I'm now somewhere in the mid 20's of not being chosen.  Still waiting to hear on two, but not getting my hopes up or focusing on that.  I have however decided to update this blog with life changes.  
As many know for the past two years I have endured some harsh working conditions with a boss who has put me on his 'list' and bullied and harassed me.   It's been a rough two years.  He started by censoring my shows (they were already extremely carefully chosen), then moved to harassing students and community members to get them to find faults with me and when they could not support anything he said he moved to flat out lying.  In February he decided that I was no longer going to do any extracurricular next year---yes I know WHAT!?!   He's a bit psychotic.  I apparently have a split personality that I, nor anyone else, sees.   Enough about that.  It sucked, no one understood why it was happening, and while I tried to fight it, it was harder and harder to go to work.   I love the kids and enjoyed working with them, which made it all the harder.   So I started job looking and found a great job, that I got hired for.   I will be moving to another school (still teaching theatre) and not only does it come with a massive pay raise, but it is closer to family and friends.   And I will no longer have to worry about the community restrictions as much as I do here.
And so in the past month I have gotten a job, quit my job, started looking for houses, and trying to get mine ready to sale.  I am pretty sure I've found my new place, but sadly must wait till mine is sold.  And I'm a little frustrated with that as I thought the realtors were coming to put it on the market yesterday and they told me they would come back when it was show ready.....um I'm selling it as is so I'm confused on that, not to mention while yes it isn't perfect, it was ready.  So now I'm a little upset that this doesn't seem to be moving forward.   I'm very ready to get out of the town I'm in.
So for a change most of my life is looking up.  When I do get all down, I always try to remember there is a light still and the dark tunnel will end, but this time it was getting harder and harder to believe that.   But now a few weeks and all has changed.  
Now I just need a call for a baby.  :-)
I really wish that would happen.
And to top it off it's summer time!!!!  Though you wouldn't think it is by the weather...It's done nothing but rain for the past week and a half....but every once in a while we do get a glimpse at the blue sky and sun, so even the weather will eventually move on.

Another Year Goes By

Today I turn another year older.  BOO.  I don't mind getting older.  I just wish that life was going a little better.  I'm still on the adoption list, but as usual nothing has happened with it.  I redid my profile book in hopes that maybe that would help.   It's supposed to be shown again this week, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.  Next year on this day, I will be stopping this process.  I don't really want to wait another year to get a child already, I'm so torn between being to old and so badly wanting to be a mother.

Over the weekend I held a baby shower for my friend whom I love dearly, but there was a little jealousy in the back of my mind.  Or I guess envy.   I'm very excited for her and her husband.  It would be awesome if I also got a baby this spring and then they could grow up together.  :-)
Meh enough ranting, just thought I'd update this.   I'm still waiting.....

Don't get discouraged......

"Don't get discouraged..."  yet another email with the parent chose a 2 parent home...but don't get discouraged.   I think this makes like 12 or 13 no's, so please tell me how one shouldn't get discouraged.  I have now been in the system longer than anyone else on the list and they have gone through that list at least twice.  What is really turning these people off.....is it how I look.  Fat single person doesn't sound like a good match?   I'm so frustrated currently and don't really know how not to get discouraged.   I got an email yesterday saying they had been talking to this mother about me and she wanted to see my profile...but in reality she didn't really want a 'single' person.  I sometimes wish they would just tell me afterwards....you know btw we showed your profile, but they weren't interested.  The idea that it might get chosen and the wait till I find out as usual it didn't is excruciating and long.  No matter how hard I try to not think about it- my brain starts planning, especially when it is a baby that's due very quickly.  

I would be a very good mom.  I wish there were a way to show this to the birth moms.  Sadly I don't know how much more of this I can endure.   They say there are 5 more birth moms/families to be matched in the system---but there are 9 waiting families....so 5 more no's on the way in a short amount of time.  I don't know.  

Sorry it's a depressing blog post...but I'm very sad about this and I'm just not sure how to not be discouraged.  It probably doesn't help that I'm sick currently and therefore it's extra sucky.   Please keep me in your prayers that the right thing will come along.

Thanks for everyone's support.

Bah Humbug!

No update on any possible adoption so I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on holidays, as it is that time of year.   Because of my foster care experience and at one point having nephews around for them I believe I can speak to this topic.
The difference between holidays with kids and without.
I used to love the holidays.  My family when we were growing up would always get together on every holiday.  Christmas Eve was always reserved for my mom's side.  But as we have all gotten older and the rest of the family has gotten married and had kids, it has become harder and harder to do any type of gathering.   I still get together with my parents and a brother but it's not the same.  
It's one thing to experience the holidays as a single person- it's extremely lonely.   Having experienced Christmas with kids and now no kids is even harder.

When you have kids you have someone to shop for- I spend lots of money on everyone else's children, but it's not the same.  You get to brighten someone's day and make them happy.  While I know all the kids I buy gifts for appreciate it- it is not the same.  With kids you make sure they have certain experiences - like seeing Santa, making cookies, crafts, helping wrap gifts, decorating the tree, going to see christmas lights.  I know it sometimes seems a little overwhelming when you have kids during the holidays....being single and no kids- I don't do any of these things.  I have no decorations up, making cookies seems like a waste of money, it would be weird if I went to see Santa, and I actually spend my time sitting alone on my couch at home most of break.  yes I go and see a movie or go out with a friend for awhile, but when it's over I'm back alone at home with my pets.

I can't wait for the day when I get to show a child how wonderful christmas time and holidays are again.    If that time ever comes.  I wish there was a way to ensure that will happen, but I'm less and less positive every day.

This isn't the life I wanted.  I wanted to be married and have kids and be a good teacher.   There is a little tiny part of me that still hopes that something will happen and hopefully next year I won't be alone for the holidays.    But more and more I'm realizing that life isn't going to change.  

So basically if you have kids, enjoy every frantic minute of the holidays.  

Turn down #9 or maybe #8

Well got the call.  The parents chose someone else.  Imagine that.  I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.  I want to be a mom so bad, but I've been in this process now for over 3yrs.  And each no hurts a little more.   I think it's time to just face up to my lonely life and accept it.  And yes this is currently a self pity party.
I do wish they hadn't lured me in and got me to pay so much money if they couldn't match a single person.

The Waiting Game

Sometimes I wish I had on off button to my brain or at least the power to make it un-focus on the one thing it tends to focus on.  Every time I'm told my profile is being shown to yet another birth mother...it takes over my every free thought.   All I can think about is that.   No matter how hard I try each time it just keeps on creeping right into my every thought.   And then I build up hope only to get it crushed each time.   Sometimes I try to stop thinking about it because --well maybe I'm causing it not to happen.  Or maybe if I don't spend every consuming moment it won't happen.  The struggle is real.  

Each time it comes to this wait time- the point from which they ask to show my profile and being told I wasn't chosen (always about a week of torture)- I start preplanning.  That's the way I am.  What will I do with my work, what do I need to go get.  How will I tell people?  And then I realize I've been turned down 8 times already...so the likely hood of this time happening is probably zero to none....So I start the process of bringing down my hope level so as not to fall so far.  It doesn't last long though before I'm thinking what if again.   I think this is the hardest part of the process for me, partially because it's happened so many times in the past year and because while I try not to let it get to me, each time is a huge disappointment and harder to take each time.   

Each time I'm told my profile is being shown I create a plan of action to happen the moment I'm told yes....I've got it worked out in my mind how to tell my parents, what and where to go to get things, how I'm going to make it work in the middle of a show or during a show and the excitement of this possibly happening finally for me.  And then the call or the email comes and I feel like I've come crashing down from the top of a mountain.

I really want this to happen.  I so badly want to be a mom.   I never thought I would be single and without kids, but this is the way life has turned out.   I have no problems being an adopted mom, but I really really want it to happen soon.  I'm not sure how many more times my heart can take being told "sorry you weren't chosen- the birth mother decided to go with a different couple".

So keep me in your thoughts as again my profile is shown...I sure hope it can happen this time.

Waiting....Waiting...

I guess I haven't really written on here for a long.  Mainly because absolutely nothing has happened.  I was not chosen a couple of times, I believe this week I'm going for number 9 of turn downs.

Last week my home study was updated and I met my new case worker.  I really liked her and she seemed to like me a lot.  She was very complimentary about all I've done and said she wants to get me a baby.  I told her how disappointing the last year has been.  We talked a lot about my experience with foster care.   I do feel like she has a better grip on children than my last case worker.  I also told her I chose KCSL because of the communication and since the last caseworker quit the communication has been lacking.  Hopefully it will increase.   

I have also tried to reach out to a maternity home in Wichita--only to be told I need to attend an informational meeting.  They are going to have another one in November - exactly when I can't go.  They basically work with birth mothers and then the adoption still goes through the agencies or a lawyer.   I told my caseworker about the place and thought it might be a good outreach for them.   I'm a little frustrated that the maternity home won't consider working with me now.  Their face book page said they still had 3 mothers with no matches (including a set of twins- which yes I still would gladly take)  I dropped off some clothes at this maternity place and talked to the lady who ran it, but it was a very brief conversation.  She did tell me KCSL had reached out to them in the past week so I guess I did influence that.   

So it's still a waiting game.  I'm now going on 3 1/2 years since I started the process to adopt.  And in the meantime everyone around me is pregnant or having babies... while they are adorable- it's a little sad for me.

Hopefully this will be my year---though I'm trying hard not to focus on it.  My job currently is keeping me very busy and I'm trying to focus on that.