Baby J Day 4

This will be a quick post as apparently sitting in a hospital room is exhausting.  

Baby J's blood gases came down this evening, but when she was moved around she had a hard time receiving.  That was not fun to watch.  They had to up her oxygen ALOT.   She was more settled when I left.  It was a pretty uneventful day.  I met one of the doctors who said their big concern at this moment was trying to get her off the ventilator she is on and that they had to up it last night.  It can do permanent damage, but she still needs it because her lungs are very sick.  She also had to be put back under the blue light which isn't to big of a deal.

We are also having issues of getting her on insurance and getting a SS# but there are people working on it.

Frustrating event.  Unlike what you hear about touch and talk to baby.  At this stage when they are so tiny and sick- that's not allowed.   The only time I get interaction with Baby J is when her temperature and diaper is changed so if I'm lucky and stick around all day there might be two opportunities.  Tonight the night nurse didn't let me change the diaper she did it.  I was kind of disappointed.  Especially since bonding is a little harder for baby,  she has this rag doll I hold to scent for her...but my scent doesn't mean anything to her.   :-(

On another quick note.  Even as short as 3 months ago, I was in a very dark place.  I had a boss who was psychotic and taking it out on me, I was having my world ripped apart by decisions he was making, and nothing and no one seemed good to me.   I was losing faith in everything around me, including the human race.   In the past few days I have been totally proven wrong on that.   I never expected or planned to accept a premature baby - in fact I specifically had it in my file to not even ask me about babies who will probably have long term problems - if known- because I didn't feel I was the right choice for those babies.   But for whatever reason Baby J and I seemed pulled together and yes it comes with unexpected costs and feelings and everything else.   The outpouring of prayers and help that I'm receiving not only restores a lot of faith I'd lost, but I am so grateful.  It is extremely hard for me to ask for help or even prayers.   I can't thank you all enough for being such an awesome support and showing your love and Baby J is very thankful too.  I'm not sure where this will lead or how it will turn out, but I am truly grateful for everything.

Chilling out under the blue light...note she's sprawled out.

aww.  Don't get to see those eyes much cause they are covered to protect them.

She really liked this position and remained calm most of the day!

Baby J's Journey Day 3

Taken while changing bedding/blankets

Today I drove back up to the hospital.  It is 135 miles away from my house, which means I will not be doing any day trips by myself.
Baby J hasn't changed much since yesterday.   Good news though- this evening she weighed in at a whopping 2 lb 3 oz!!!!  Earlier today I was told that she weighed 2 lb 2.6oz last night but they thought a lot of that gain was fluids - they had to give her platelets last night to see if they could stop the bleeding in her lungs.    So Baby J actually does weigh over 2 lbs.  YEA!!
Her oxygen percent she was given today stayed mostly in the 40's and sometimes they were able to lower it as low as 36.   When I left it was back to the 50's but they also had messed with her a lot.   This is down from 78 yesterday morning.   Today I also changed her diaper once.   I got there kind of late in the day.

Setbacks though include bad gas blood tests this evening and afternoon which resulted in upping the ventilator's work and lessening Baby J's.  And her blood sugar really jumped at one point.   Baby J is currently in an incubator or isolate that is almost always covered in a blanket.    This helps keep it more like she is still in a womb and to block out bright lights and some sound.  They also are able to keep humidity high to keep her skin soft.

 

Baby J was a little less active today...which might have been a sign of what the tests showed.  The blood gases were a little better this evening but still not good.   But she still moved a lot later and untucked herself.

Tonight when I left they were turning her on her tummy for awhile.  

Today was my introduction to Ronald McDonald house.  You have to have a referral to stay here and have a background check.  However so far mega impressed.  It's a beautiful 1910 house and has several rooms with private bathrooms.   Here is mine for now.

Each room has 2 twin beds.   There is a fully stocked (and I mean actually stocked with food) that has 2 stoves, a dining room with several tables, a playroom in the basement, a laundry facility....and more.   There is space in one fridge and cabinets that we can have our own food just for us, but they keep the kitchen and cabinets stocked with food that we can have at anytime.  They also have people come in and make meals at different times- tonight someone came and grilled and I grabbed two of the hamburgers and ate them from the fridge before retiring.  All of this is $25 a night for the family to stay.    It really is a home away from a home.  It's amazing and later down the road when I have millions and have paid off all of this, moving, bills, etc.   Or at least when I can afford to give money, I think I've now found the charity I want to support.   If a family can't afford the $25 they are not required to pay that much.  I hope that I can find a way to pay that during the long amount of time I will be here.    I will check out this week, but then return on a very long basis at the end of next week.  I never ever thought I would be a person who needed or used a Ronald McDonald house---but I am so very happy this is an option.  It's much less stuffy than a hotel and way easier on my budget

(Feel free to give to my you caring sight on the sidebar to help out with paying some of these bills)

And tonight I got a text to schedule a viewing of my house!!!  Everyone think really hard and pray that someone buys it cause Wichita would be much easier to drive up here from than Newton.   Actually keep your prayers on Baby J...she really needs them.   Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.    I hope over the next few days things will really start to improve.   Today she is 1 week and 3 days.  She has surpassed her birth weight and is over 2 lbs so I know that at least in some areas we are moving forward.   

Day 2 Questions and Answers

Hello all.  Today was day 2 of getting to know Baby J.  I got to talk to the nurse practitioner, the social worker, and the nurse.   Baby J is really not improving or getting worse but is staying the status quo right now...which is still good.   She did start the day out with an oxygen level of 78 being given to her and when I left it was down to a 54 (it had gotten down to a 50) and she was was keeping her level up pretty well.   Today I took her temperature and helped with a diaper change.  I can only touch Baby J when they are doing all of their checkups because they are trying to keep her calm and she gets easily agitated.   This morning they took the lines that were in her navel out and gave her a pic line in each hand - so now she can't hold my hand so I'm glad we got to go last night.   She has some attitude already just like me so that's awesome.  The nurse was trying to suction her mouth out and Baby J clamped her mouth shut.   I was so excited to see that.   Basically we are at a wait and see stage and will continue to just monitor.  Things that we are currently trying to overcome are all typical for preemies so I'm still very hopeful.

• Lots of respiratory problems.  Currently she is on the most advanced ventilator but is on the lowest settings and is being given oxygen.  Yesterday her lung had collapsed and so she is unable to completely breath on her own.  Both of these interventions are helping her to not have to work so hard and to continue to heal and grow.
• Intraventricular Hemorrhage (IVH)brain bleeds- she does has one that is concerning, but still not the highest problem.  She has had a stage 1 and 2 bleed and a bilateral stage 3 bleed.  There really isn't anything they can do at this point but wait it out.  And there is no way to tell the long term effect.
• Patent Ductus Arteriosus (PDA) is a hole in her heart that hasn't closed up and they gave her one round of the medicine, but because they found the brain bleeds they decided not to do the other rounds yet.  This could require surgery down the road as it also is the cause of a heart murmur..but could still fix itself.

So I'd like to answer a couple of questions that people have asked and try to answer some.

What do I know about her parents or birth?
I don't know anything about her parents really or the birth.  She was actually flown in to this hospital and it seems all medical records prior to that don't exist.   They are still trying to figure out some of it.  It is a closed adoption.

When does the adoption actually take place?   Currently I am only the semi guardian of Baby J.  Adoption can't take place for a certain amount of days in Kansas and it will not be taking place until after she is released from the hospital (which will be at least 13 weeks away for that step)  But she is my daughter now and my responsibility.  She is currently classified as placed with me.

How in the world am I going to pay for all of this?   Well luckily she qualifies for SSI and Medicaid (or rather should- we had some issues today with birth certificates and SS #)  So I will not be paying for this initial stay.

 Did I know about all of these problems when I committed to this?  Yes.  Well the brain bleeds were new the day we went up, but I knew before I signed the Adoption Placement Agreement.

Why would I choose to put myself in this situation- did I do it out of desperation for a baby?  NO.   I know that it is strange, but a lot of things led to this kind of meant to be thing and while yes a perfectly healthy baby would be fantastic there is no guarantee of any baby coming as healthy especially since many of the birth mothers aren't seeking proper medical care.  This baby has just as much chance to survive and do wonderful in life as the next.    Also she needs someone there and I felt like it was meant to be me.

Am I crazy....sick baby, new job, selling and buying a house all at the same time?  Probably - yes I probably am

Am I going to be able to handle all of this?  NO probably not.   No I hope I can.  Please don't tell me how crazy I am or how this is all to much.  Just support me in this.

Doesn't she have a chance of not surviving or being majorly handicapped?  Yes and stop focusing on that as I am positive she will be great!  She is a fighter and will be ok.

Do I feel guilty about not being near her? Yes I do already which I see as a sign of already having a connection.  However there is nothing I can do to change that.  She is over 2hrs away and I need to just accept and not dwell on the fact that I'm not there.   She really isn't supposed to have stimulation right now so she can rest and build herself up so it's ok.   She also has this little 'doll' that I hold onto while there and when I'm not there is is in her bed with her so she gets used to it and feels like I'm there.

Why am I making all of this public, especially since legally she isn't adopted yet?    Well because she is a sick little girl and she needs all the prayers and thoughts she can get.  Please don't think for a second it has anything to do with me and adopting a premature baby.  I want my daughter to get better and for all the people to pray for her.  It's also a way to keep my friends and family up to date, especially since i will be away so much to be with her.

How can others help me?   Prayer, good thoughts, continue to use my Amazon link on the sidebar, consider giving funds to my youcaring.com site- both found on the sidebar of this (feel free to share those links as well).   Sadly all of this is expensive- the adoption, the gas to see her, the rooming fees, the medical bills down the road.     But mostly just prayers are appreciated at this time.

If you have questions ask.  I know it seems crazy and it all happened so fast and there is a lot going on in my life, but I feel like I've been led here and this is right.   And already I care very much for Baby J and am hoping that each day we see some improvement- no matter how slight.   Thank you for all your support and love!
PS The blogs won't be this long most of the time.  :-)

This picture is after we got the lines out of her navel and moved up to her hands.

Look her eyes are open.  She usually has wrapping over them.

The nurse is holding her legs to keep her contained.  She doesn't really like her legs bunched up.

Introducing Baby J

Well it's official, this blog is no longer about my journey to finding my daughter.  Today I met her and so now this blog will be about Baby J's Journey.  After many more phone calls and some massive thinking and almost backing out, tonight I met her.  As I put in an earlier blog on Friday I said I was interested.  At the time Baby J was doing really well except for a sac in her lung had collapsed.   However today I found out things had gone badly over the weekend.  She had developed more complications and so therefore I almost changed my mind.  She is unfortunately over 2 hrs away from me and up until today- that was really the only thing that made me pause and thing about this.   I decided to move forward.

Today I received a call that the Birth parents signed papers and was informed I could sign my APA adoption placement agreement today.   So I finished some things and headed the 2 hr drive to the hospital.  At 6:30pm I signed my APA and headed to meet my little girl for the first time.

So lets go back.  Baby J. was born June 7 at 2:18am.  She was a mere 1 Lb 15 oz and 14 1/2 inches long.  They flew Baby J to the nearest hospital with a NICU that was capable of taking care of her.  Her parents decided that they could not take care of her and chose to put her up for adoption.   In her first few days she had 2 pulmonary bleeds that they thought were fixed by transfusions and had severe respiratory problems (which is expected for one so little).   While they should be able to tell what gestational age by how this pregnancy supposedly occurred, they are not sure.  They believe she was born at 27 weeks.   So much better than the 25 weeks I was originally told.   By Thursday they had already backed off the ventilator, but on Friday a sac in her lungs collapsed.   Still not surprising.   It looked as if she was actually doing really well.   Friday is when I had decided to move forward with the match.

Today I got a call that said over the weekend she had developed another pulmonary bleed caused by PDA which also causes a heart murmur.  The PDA is basically a hole that hasn't closed.   The heart murmur can't be fixed till she gets older and more stable.   Her left lung also collapsed over the weekend.   The real surprise was that she started to have some bleeding on the brain.  This freaked me out and almost made me change my mind. (and it probably should have.)  

Fast forward to after the papers are signed.  We went up (my parents came with me) and went to the NICU.   After doing the paper work to go into the NICU and having  our tempature taken and a few rules thrown at us, we went to her room.   As we walked in after diligently washing out hands, we were met by her day nurse.   The bed was still covered.  The nurse opened the cover and there she was.  Kicking her feet and sucking on a tube.

This teeny tiny baby was moving her legs and arms around.  She was so much bigger than I expected.     And way more active.   The nurse started to tell us about her bed and all the equipment.  She is in a special bed to keep her warm and calm.  She has also been moved up to the most high tech ventilator to help her breath so she doesn't have to work so hard.   

We had a lot of information given to us this evening, but I was so surprised.  Here was this tiny baby who is very sick, but she moves around way more than I ever thought she would.  While they changed and checked her, I got to touch her.  Her movements calmed and she held my finger, almost as if she was telling me she knew I was there for her.  during this they took off the bandages on her eyes to replace (they are helping her eyes develop by keeping out harsh lights) and we were able to take pictures.   She even opened her eyes and looked around.  Tomorrow I can start helping with tempature taking and diaper changing.  Tonight she was actually past her birth weight.  She weighed in at 1 lb 15.8 oz.   So not way past, but hey she is only a week old on very limited nutrition.   

There isn't a moment that goes by that I wonder if this is the right decision for her and myself....but when I saw her I was more confident that it is.  I know there are a lot of things people want to know but for now, I am just asking for prayers for Baby J.    I'm so happy to finally be a parent and hope that everything will go well.  here are a few of her pictures.   She is under a blue light sometimes so you might find a pic that is blue.

First Picture!  She has a blue light to help with Jaundice and development.

Baby J really likes to kick her legs.  They can't keep her curled up. 

Such little fingers, but she liked to curl them around mine.

A complete picture of Baby J.    

Apparently Baby J was flown to this hospital after she was born!

Speeding Train Ride!

Things can change so fast in life.  New job, looking for a new house in a different town, and my house is up on the market.   And the domino effects keep going.   It's amazing that two months ago I was in the darkest place I've ever been, with very little light coming in.  In fact I was so desperately searching for any light to lead me out.  When things go dark, I almost always am aware that it's a phase and it will pass, but with everything that was going on it was much more difficult this time.
But I must have blindingly stepped onto the fast train out of there.  My house is mostly packed (of course now I need things and look for things that are deep in a storage shed) and on the market, house looking commences and so does planning for next year.  I must not have thought this was enough.

(I actually wrote this on Friday June 12)

Yesterday I committed to something I'm sure will reap lots of critical comments and wonder.   And yes I know how crazy I am and there isn't a moment that goes by where I'm pretty sure someone should come whisk me off to the nearest psych ward.   God apparently feels I can handle this and it kind of feels like fate and it's meant to be.  On Tuesday of this next week I will hopefully be meeting my daughter.  I am over excited and praying that this may not have been the stupidest decision ever.   I mean I am starting a new job and won't be able to take off the first part of the year.  And that's where this decision may come as a surprise to everyone.

Yes it's a huge celebration and I'm more than overly excited, but there are some things about this I never expected to find myself in.   See baby J is already born (this week in fact), but she won't be coming home with me.  In fact I don't get to bring her home till probably about September.  Baby J was born at 27weeks at 1 lb 15oz.  She seems to be doing really well from the information we have been given and I know it's crazy, but it really does seem to be meant to be.  So far her main problems (other than being so small) is respiratory which is to be expected.

I could be committed to any baby and there could be complications.   And there is so much unexpected about where this could go and how I'm going to make this work with a new job.  Yes I have thought about all of these things.  This decision was not made  hastily or out of desperation.  I promise.  Actually the biggest concern for me was that she is 2.5hrs away from me and that is a lot to deal with when she's in the hospital and really was almost a deal breaker...but I really feel that maybe she was meant to be my daughter.   I have the most awesome family and friends and there were several that were in on this decision because I know that there is no way I could have done this without commitment from them as well.  Baby J will need more attention, especially this first year and it will be a rough start with me in a new job.  She won't be able to attend a regular daycare for a long time and will probably be in and out of hospitals for awhile (though I'm praying that she keeps fighting and is a strong little one that will be healthy).   They all said go for it.

And so on Tuesday I meet my daughter and I am extremely nervous and excited and scared and happy.  This blog will slowly change into my life as a family with a premature baby and no longer the desperate blog of a stupid single woman trying to adopt a baby.   Nope it will now be one about a stupid single woman with a baby.  Ha ha.    Please keep baby J and her doctors and nurses in your prayers.  And please keep using my amazon link (yep I still have to pay the bazillions of dollars for the adoption stuff).   Hopefully next week I will have more information.

Blue Skies are coming!

Don't get to excited, still no adoption.  I'm now somewhere in the mid 20's of not being chosen.  Still waiting to hear on two, but not getting my hopes up or focusing on that.  I have however decided to update this blog with life changes.  
As many know for the past two years I have endured some harsh working conditions with a boss who has put me on his 'list' and bullied and harassed me.   It's been a rough two years.  He started by censoring my shows (they were already extremely carefully chosen), then moved to harassing students and community members to get them to find faults with me and when they could not support anything he said he moved to flat out lying.  In February he decided that I was no longer going to do any extracurricular next year---yes I know WHAT!?!   He's a bit psychotic.  I apparently have a split personality that I, nor anyone else, sees.   Enough about that.  It sucked, no one understood why it was happening, and while I tried to fight it, it was harder and harder to go to work.   I love the kids and enjoyed working with them, which made it all the harder.   So I started job looking and found a great job, that I got hired for.   I will be moving to another school (still teaching theatre) and not only does it come with a massive pay raise, but it is closer to family and friends.   And I will no longer have to worry about the community restrictions as much as I do here.
And so in the past month I have gotten a job, quit my job, started looking for houses, and trying to get mine ready to sale.  I am pretty sure I've found my new place, but sadly must wait till mine is sold.  And I'm a little frustrated with that as I thought the realtors were coming to put it on the market yesterday and they told me they would come back when it was show ready.....um I'm selling it as is so I'm confused on that, not to mention while yes it isn't perfect, it was ready.  So now I'm a little upset that this doesn't seem to be moving forward.   I'm very ready to get out of the town I'm in.
So for a change most of my life is looking up.  When I do get all down, I always try to remember there is a light still and the dark tunnel will end, but this time it was getting harder and harder to believe that.   But now a few weeks and all has changed.  
Now I just need a call for a baby.  :-)
I really wish that would happen.
And to top it off it's summer time!!!!  Though you wouldn't think it is by the weather...It's done nothing but rain for the past week and a half....but every once in a while we do get a glimpse at the blue sky and sun, so even the weather will eventually move on.

Another Year Goes By

Today I turn another year older.  BOO.  I don't mind getting older.  I just wish that life was going a little better.  I'm still on the adoption list, but as usual nothing has happened with it.  I redid my profile book in hopes that maybe that would help.   It's supposed to be shown again this week, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.  Next year on this day, I will be stopping this process.  I don't really want to wait another year to get a child already, I'm so torn between being to old and so badly wanting to be a mother.

Over the weekend I held a baby shower for my friend whom I love dearly, but there was a little jealousy in the back of my mind.  Or I guess envy.   I'm very excited for her and her husband.  It would be awesome if I also got a baby this spring and then they could grow up together.  :-)
Meh enough ranting, just thought I'd update this.   I'm still waiting.....