Things can change so fast in life. New job, looking for a new house in a different town, and my house is up on the market. And the domino effects keep going. It's amazing that two months ago I was in the darkest place I've ever been, with very little light coming in. In fact I was so desperately searching for any light to lead me out. When things go dark, I almost always am aware that it's a phase and it will pass, but with everything that was going on it was much more difficult this time.
But I must have blindingly stepped onto the fast train out of there. My house is mostly packed (of course now I need things and look for things that are deep in a storage shed) and on the market, house looking commences and so does planning for next year. I must not have thought this was enough.
(I actually wrote this on Friday June 12)
Yesterday I committed to something I'm sure will reap lots of critical comments and wonder. And yes I know how crazy I am and there isn't a moment that goes by where I'm pretty sure someone should come whisk me off to the nearest psych ward. God apparently feels I can handle this and it kind of feels like fate and it's meant to be. On Tuesday of this next week I will hopefully be meeting my daughter. I am over excited and praying that this may not have been the stupidest decision ever. I mean I am starting a new job and won't be able to take off the first part of the year. And that's where this decision may come as a surprise to everyone.
Yes it's a huge celebration and I'm more than overly excited, but there are some things about this I never expected to find myself in. See baby J is already born (this week in fact), but she won't be coming home with me. In fact I don't get to bring her home till probably about September. Baby J was born at 27weeks at 1 lb 15oz. She seems to be doing really well from the information we have been given and I know it's crazy, but it really does seem to be meant to be. So far her main problems (other than being so small) is respiratory which is to be expected.
I could be committed to any baby and there could be complications. And there is so much unexpected about where this could go and how I'm going to make this work with a new job. Yes I have thought about all of these things. This decision was not made hastily or out of desperation. I promise. Actually the biggest concern for me was that she is 2.5hrs away from me and that is a lot to deal with when she's in the hospital and really was almost a deal breaker...but I really feel that maybe she was meant to be my daughter. I have the most awesome family and friends and there were several that were in on this decision because I know that there is no way I could have done this without commitment from them as well. Baby J will need more attention, especially this first year and it will be a rough start with me in a new job. She won't be able to attend a regular daycare for a long time and will probably be in and out of hospitals for awhile (though I'm praying that she keeps fighting and is a strong little one that will be healthy). They all said go for it.
And so on Tuesday I meet my daughter and I am extremely nervous and excited and scared and happy. This blog will slowly change into my life as a family with a premature baby and no longer the desperate blog of a stupid single woman trying to adopt a baby. Nope it will now be one about a stupid single woman with a baby. Ha ha. Please keep baby J and her doctors and nurses in your prayers. And please keep using my amazon link (yep I still have to pay the bazillions of dollars for the adoption stuff). Hopefully next week I will have more information.
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