Day 2 Questions and Answers

Hello all.  Today was day 2 of getting to know Baby J.  I got to talk to the nurse practitioner, the social worker, and the nurse.   Baby J is really not improving or getting worse but is staying the status quo right now...which is still good.   She did start the day out with an oxygen level of 78 being given to her and when I left it was down to a 54 (it had gotten down to a 50) and she was was keeping her level up pretty well.   Today I took her temperature and helped with a diaper change.  I can only touch Baby J when they are doing all of their checkups because they are trying to keep her calm and she gets easily agitated.   This morning they took the lines that were in her navel out and gave her a pic line in each hand - so now she can't hold my hand so I'm glad we got to go last night.   She has some attitude already just like me so that's awesome.  The nurse was trying to suction her mouth out and Baby J clamped her mouth shut.   I was so excited to see that.   Basically we are at a wait and see stage and will continue to just monitor.  Things that we are currently trying to overcome are all typical for preemies so I'm still very hopeful.

• Lots of respiratory problems.  Currently she is on the most advanced ventilator but is on the lowest settings and is being given oxygen.  Yesterday her lung had collapsed and so she is unable to completely breath on her own.  Both of these interventions are helping her to not have to work so hard and to continue to heal and grow.
• Intraventricular Hemorrhage (IVH)brain bleeds- she does has one that is concerning, but still not the highest problem.  She has had a stage 1 and 2 bleed and a bilateral stage 3 bleed.  There really isn't anything they can do at this point but wait it out.  And there is no way to tell the long term effect.
• Patent Ductus Arteriosus (PDA) is a hole in her heart that hasn't closed up and they gave her one round of the medicine, but because they found the brain bleeds they decided not to do the other rounds yet.  This could require surgery down the road as it also is the cause of a heart murmur..but could still fix itself.

So I'd like to answer a couple of questions that people have asked and try to answer some.

What do I know about her parents or birth?
I don't know anything about her parents really or the birth.  She was actually flown in to this hospital and it seems all medical records prior to that don't exist.   They are still trying to figure out some of it.  It is a closed adoption.

When does the adoption actually take place?   Currently I am only the semi guardian of Baby J.  Adoption can't take place for a certain amount of days in Kansas and it will not be taking place until after she is released from the hospital (which will be at least 13 weeks away for that step)  But she is my daughter now and my responsibility.  She is currently classified as placed with me.

How in the world am I going to pay for all of this?   Well luckily she qualifies for SSI and Medicaid (or rather should- we had some issues today with birth certificates and SS #)  So I will not be paying for this initial stay.

 Did I know about all of these problems when I committed to this?  Yes.  Well the brain bleeds were new the day we went up, but I knew before I signed the Adoption Placement Agreement.

Why would I choose to put myself in this situation- did I do it out of desperation for a baby?  NO.   I know that it is strange, but a lot of things led to this kind of meant to be thing and while yes a perfectly healthy baby would be fantastic there is no guarantee of any baby coming as healthy especially since many of the birth mothers aren't seeking proper medical care.  This baby has just as much chance to survive and do wonderful in life as the next.    Also she needs someone there and I felt like it was meant to be me.

Am I crazy....sick baby, new job, selling and buying a house all at the same time?  Probably - yes I probably am

Am I going to be able to handle all of this?  NO probably not.   No I hope I can.  Please don't tell me how crazy I am or how this is all to much.  Just support me in this.

Doesn't she have a chance of not surviving or being majorly handicapped?  Yes and stop focusing on that as I am positive she will be great!  She is a fighter and will be ok.

Do I feel guilty about not being near her? Yes I do already which I see as a sign of already having a connection.  However there is nothing I can do to change that.  She is over 2hrs away and I need to just accept and not dwell on the fact that I'm not there.   She really isn't supposed to have stimulation right now so she can rest and build herself up so it's ok.   She also has this little 'doll' that I hold onto while there and when I'm not there is is in her bed with her so she gets used to it and feels like I'm there.

Why am I making all of this public, especially since legally she isn't adopted yet?    Well because she is a sick little girl and she needs all the prayers and thoughts she can get.  Please don't think for a second it has anything to do with me and adopting a premature baby.  I want my daughter to get better and for all the people to pray for her.  It's also a way to keep my friends and family up to date, especially since i will be away so much to be with her.

How can others help me?   Prayer, good thoughts, continue to use my Amazon link on the sidebar, consider giving funds to my youcaring.com site- both found on the sidebar of this (feel free to share those links as well).   Sadly all of this is expensive- the adoption, the gas to see her, the rooming fees, the medical bills down the road.     But mostly just prayers are appreciated at this time.

If you have questions ask.  I know it seems crazy and it all happened so fast and there is a lot going on in my life, but I feel like I've been led here and this is right.   And already I care very much for Baby J and am hoping that each day we see some improvement- no matter how slight.   Thank you for all your support and love!
PS The blogs won't be this long most of the time.  :-)

This picture is after we got the lines out of her navel and moved up to her hands.

Look her eyes are open.  She usually has wrapping over them.

The nurse is holding her legs to keep her contained.  She doesn't really like her legs bunched up.