Changes are coming!

Recent discoveries have made me make some big decisions lately about my life and the last week was difficult.    I thought I might have an opportunity to adopt outside of the system and that fell through, which I totally understand.  In the past couple of years though I have been reminded just how important those first two years of life are.   I also realize that I love being a part of the firsts (crawling, walking, reaching, talking, etc).  I loved that I was a part of many of these with my nephew.  So this led me to realize how much I really want an infant (that and I love babies).  Foster to adopt has not even remotely brought up opportunities to adopt and so I started checking.   Then I found out my social worker with TFI never turned in my adoption home study.    She did it over a year late to start with, but then it never got finished.   Talk about anger and being frustrated, especially since that was the reason I got into foster care.   It's not that I don't enjoy being a foster parent- most days- but I want to raise a child.  I want to see the results of all my hard work...not just fix them and then have to forget about them.  Honestly I can see my self doing foster care later, but at this point in my life I really want a family.

So this all led me to big decision #1.  I have decided to sign up with a private adoption company.   This means I'm basically going to be buying a baby....or that's what it feels like to me.   I hate that part.  I also don't know where the money is going to come from...but I'll figure it out- look for some fundraising things -jewerly etc.  (Shop amazon through the link on the right side and I get a percentage).   After research and research and more research, I'm working with Kansas Children's Service League's infant adoption.  I hope that's not a mistake.  Sadly I have to pay the full price of a home study since mine still hasn't been finished.  I have talked to the person doing my case and she knows what has been happening with foster care for me and I like her a lot so far.  She has been very upfront with me.   I just hope it's not another long wait to produce nothing in the end...especially with all the money.   I've done the application part, got my fingerprints, and am now waiting for the next step.   I have my meeting with her to do the home study in a couple weeks- right before school starts.  I sure hope this works out.  I also really want a girl btw...but we will see.

Big decision #2 - so I was going to lie to everyone about this one, but I suck at telling lies.  So here it goes....no judgement.  I had to ask for disruption for the boys I have.   I like them a lot and they are adorable.  However since visitations started (though parents again lost them this week), M has gone so far back in behaviors that I just can't do it.  I can't repeat my spring during the fall.  the biggest part of my decision was that I'm not the right placement for him.  Both boys have come so far...but M needs a very strict schedule to succeed and with the musical my schedule is all over the place.  he also needs all his sleep.    It was a very very hard decision because they have improved, but I have to think about me to and that's been a hard to do.   I also can't really work with two companies so they would have to be moved anyway eventually and now is a great transition time.  Would it be a different decision if they would eventually be up for adoption...maybe, but they won't be and even if they are there grandmother really wants them...she lives out of state and that's why they haven't moved with her.  I'm also tired and a little bitter still.  I need a break.   everyone keeps telling me I have had some really extreme toddlers in my care and while I know that's true (I do have 20+ experience with toddlers), I can't bring myself to believe it isn't all my fault.  I kind of feel like an epic failure and am embarressed by this decision and it's really rough when both boys are behaving.  BTW I know toddlers are just toddlers, but I reallydo have an extreme case.  The youngest is definately a 2yr old...but add that to the other who takes it to the extreme and often copies that, all the time...by myself....yeah....  I feel like I have to convince people why I had to make this decision.  I realize though it's probably still me I'm trying to convince.    I will miss them, but I'm also hoping something happens through the other service.  (And ok I'm going to leave my name on the adoption list with foster care- but I'm not going to do foster care)

And thus will end my 2yr run with foster care for now.   My social worker is going to put me as inactive until I tell her other wise.  I think down the road I actually want to continue doing it, but for now I'm going to look into the other adoption...so keep me in your thoughts...maybe someday I will really be able to say and show a kid of my own.   Wish life would have worked out with a husband and children, but it hasn't so this is the path I'm on.

It's not all Bad

I just reread the post I wrote this morning and realized it sounds like everything is bad.  Not true.  So I'm going to take a few minutes to say a few good things.  I have had M & E for almost 7 months now. I have watched them learn to talk, become confident, learn to hug and be touched without fear, to laugh and have fun.   They are both smart boys and love to figure things out.  M wants to be helpful and will help around the house.    I've seen him be calm, behave, and sit still....all things he couldn't do when he came.   His language keeps multiplying and he can ask questions and seeks to know what things are.   E will tear apart something just to figure out how it works.  He can sit and play on his own and build with blocks for a long time.   Both boys have grown to love the water and have some swimming skills. They both have grown into little boys that can communicate their needs and wants.   When E came I believed he could talk some (he wasn't 2 yet so a lot of words probably wouldn't be present), however he was quiet.  He never made much noise and never tried to talk.   He has opened up and now not only does he talk constantly---he does so for everyone.  For the longest time his case managers didn't think he could.   He also loves to sing!
Both boys love daycare and love learning.    June was a really good month.   Although we definitely still saw 2yr old behavior from both boys ...it was typical behavior..not the extreme I had seen all spring.  Sadly once parent visitations started again after a 6 week furlow, behaviors went rapidly downhill.  It always saddens me how a child so young can already be so damaged and from their own family.    But enough of that for this post.
I love kids during these ages to watch them learn about the world around them and to see their firsts - so I have loved getting to do this with 8 kids over the past year.   Some major changes are coming though and I will update on those later.    Have a great day and thanks for stopping by.

I think I'm the worst blogger in the world

I suck....I haven't blogged since I got my new foster kids...I did take in the two boys and it has been rough.   I spent all of the spring frustrated every night and crying every weekend.  The older boy (M) was out of control and therefore made me feel out of control.  Both boys had constant ear infections and between that and my mother's heart problems I missed a lot of school.  But I kept going.   Twice I sent an email asking for the boys to be removed and twice I somehow kept going with them.   And things minimally improved, except the youngest turned 2 and boy did he turn 2- his picture should be next to terrible twos definitions everywhere.   He is adorable and a pain.

A little more information to catch you up.   M who is now 3 has very out of control behaviors.  Extremely destructive, aggressive, and full of tantrums, and the main reason why this pair has been extremely difficult.  When he arrived at my house he was very limited in speech and only said about 4 things.   His behavior controled his life and he has no control over parts of it.   After several months I had enough and finally talked to the doctor.   Sadly we had to start medication.    A lot of M's behavior problems he can't control and it was very obvious.  After trial and error on several things we have finally gotten his meds under control which has made a huge difference.   We also started therapy.   M finally started to improve- he talks and sings now (though we definately have a speech problem- though he finally stopped stuttering), he can be taken into public- doesn't run anymore, has stopped destroying my house and become less aggressive.  Part of that turn was meds, part was ear tubes, and part was an absense of parent visitations.   three weeks ago- I thought things were going well - he was becoming more typical 2/3yr old- which is amazing because our early ed put him on about an 18-24 month range for most things not long after I got him.   Then visitations started and we spiraled back into behaviors that we had under control.

The youngest (E), turned 2 recently and boy is he a 2yr old.  He is smart and likes to figure out things and has a look for everything.    He's very cute but copies a lot of his brother's behaviors which makes it difficult when they are both causing problems.

This post just skims the top of my life for the past 7 months as I forgot to keep updates.  It has been a rough and challenging experience.  I do have a lot more to update, but I'll write more posts later.  
I'm going to attach some non identifying pics here.