Foster Care Taught Me.....

And here it is, the long awaited post.   What I learned during my adventure into foster care.

Before I get started though please help me raise money to pay for a private adoption.  If you use Amazon to shop, please go there through this link http://tinyurl.com/l4hv9xm  It can also be found on the side of my blog.  I earn 10% of what you spend.  It doesn't affect your prices or anything- just allows me to earn some money.  (and I'm very sorry but I will probably post this several times)

I learned A LOT during my last two years working with the foster care system, including more about the 'system', myself, and my support system.

1.  Foster care in at least Kansas is horrible.  Those poor kids are dragged through foster care for way longer than they should ever have to be.  Decisions are never based on what is best for the child...EVER.   And I'm pretty sure both sides (foster and bio families) would agree on this.  Some kids are left in to long to never be returned to families, some are sent home to early, some should never have been in the system.   Older kids in the system have been in the system for years because decision were not made and they got older and then less people wanted to take that age.

2.   Communication is some of the worst I've ever seen.  Foster parents aren't given information, bio families are left out, case workers don't share information, secrets abound.  And TFI seems to be the worst company of all (this is with a lot of information from others both working with TFI and with other groups).  TFI apparently can't read and would call me constantly for children I wasn't even licensed for.   My FSW (Family social worker) always said she would do something and never did, best example is never actually finishing my adoption paperwork.  They also don't fully finish their jobs.   The little girl that left in December - they didn't check the Aunt's background correctly and they had a month from when they told me she would move.   They also never return phone calls.  I could go on for ever about this aspect, but lets not bore every one even more.

3.  It's amazing what parents put their own children through.  I have worked with children 0-4 for over 20 years.   I can't believe how much a parent can screw up a child by age 2.  It shocked me and scares me.  I totally see now why some of my teenagers have so many issues.   This was probably the most eye-opening thing during this experience.  My last two 2yr olds were very damaged when they came to me.  One was so empty- that child wouldn't interact or let you touch them and was so out of control and kid of crazy.  I will say though it is also amazing how much difference love and patience can make in a child- neither of those kids left my house that way.

So now that we've covered all the bad stuff briefly - which I could easily expand on here is what I really learned about myself.

1.  I can be a single parent.  I took in two kids instead of the one I planned on caring for each time.  While my life could be hectic and at times almost unbearable, I survived, the kids survived.  I found I do follow all the things I always tell others or try my best (foster kids are a little different).  I may not be the healthiest eater- but the kids always were given healthy foods and no pop.  They all left loving fruits and vegetables.  I survived having kids with my schedule.   I learned I most certainly want to have a child.   I did not waiver because it got tough or I couldn't go out with friends.

2.  I have an amazing support system.  I tend not to accept help or take support very well and sometimes I don't feel like it's there.  I learned other wise during this adventure.  My family - both immediate and extended- have been amazing.  My first set they helped purchase some things I needed.  My parents and brother have helped me out in more ways that I can ever thank them.  Times did get tough and my family was always there.  They all helped out during show weeks too, which is the one time in my life where having a child is very very difficult.   My friends have been supportive as well.  My co worker even stayed many nights while the students left rehearsal so I could get the kids home to bed.  She has been a great support as well.  I vent to these people and sometimes cry, as well as celebrate.  The best thing about all these people is they not once treated my children as foster kids.  They were part of the family.  I can't wait till I have a child that can be permanent for them to love.  (I'm sure they will be very spoiled).  Oh and I should mention I have amazing students as well.  They doted on and cared for the kids.  I know my foster kids would not have advanced as much if it hadn't been for my high school students.  80 people ignoring tantrums sure does stop them faster than just one mom ignoring.   :-)

3.  I learned a lot about myself.  I have learned my strengths and weaknesses.   When I started answering these questions was difficult for me - but I was very sure of them doing my home study this week.  I do have limits and I'm learning to accept them and to ask for help when I need it- very difficult but I'm asking.   I learned how to use community resources like crazy.  I used them and we needed to.   I also learned how much I really wanted to start from birth. - those first two years are so important and I always knew that - but now I've seen it.  I learned it may be slow, but I as a single parent could make a difference with help.   Those kids advanced so much in the little time that they touched my life.   I also learned I could hate myself an awful lot more than I ever had.  At times I was so at my wits end and nothing seemed to be working and I was so frustrated with myself at not being able to control my own reactions when it got really rough - and it got really really rough at times.   Of course that's also when I used my family to help.  There were times things bothered me and I just couldn't believe I could be that person and the hate set in and the desperation that I couldn't help the kids or just didn't know what to do.  I hated those times mostly because I didn't know how to help the kids.  It was never their fault they were the way they were, but it sure was hard to deal with at times.  On the flip side though I did also learn I can make it through that.  Even if I have to post a list on my wall to help me remember that while we may not be moving forward fast we were taking small steps- and yes I did that with one child and they were very small improvements for awhile- but we were moving forward.

4.  Consistency and structure are the keys to life.   All my kids needed structure and consistency to survive and succeed.   At times it sucked - because they had to learn the norm/boundaries before we could  sway from it and sometimes I never got to that stage.  Yes you want to give them candy and let them have their way some, but if they don't understand boundaries and proper expectations yet - you can't do it.   By the way this was the hardest thing to convey to my parents = grandparents just want to spoil- understandable- but first the kids need to know what expectations and boundaries to live by.    I am a mean mom.  I didn't allow the kids to have pop or candy or give them different foods at supper just because they didn't want to try their food.  If they couldn't stay at the table they didn't get to keep their food.  I had to be the strict mom until they figured out what was proper behavior.   That was hard.  I alway felt like I was fixing kids and never getting to get to the stage where we could move away from that all the time.  I'm not sure if that makes any sense.   Most kids learn no and boundaries as they are growing up - the foster kids didn't have an understanding of any of this when they came.  

5.  I am a genius. ha ha.  just joking.  The most amazing part of this adventure- which I know is also a part of parenthood- was watching the kids learn and grow.  To see the kids go from anti touch to cuddling and asking for hugs or wanting to hold hands.  To see that you could take them places without them running off or breaking everything.   To see the sparkle come back into their eyes.  To see them laugh and smile and play.  To read the books with them.  Picking them up from daycare and them running to you and being excited to see you.  To see them start asking for comfort when they were hurt or sad.  To watch them start to advance in learning- alphabet, colors, behaviors.  To know they could go in the other room and play without destroying toys, beds, or each other.  To watch the siblings start to care for each other and interact as siblings - even the fighting as siblings.  To watch kids who barely talked when they came to be singing and talking constantly before they left.    Some could do the musical songs and dances as well as my high school kids.  My biggest accomplishment is that all the kids came to me with 20 or less words and all left with massive vocabularies (actually in many cases surpassing their age in some cases).  They were more confident when they left and more relaxed around new situations.  They all went through stages they had missed very quickly and for the most part caught up to age appropriate behavior and educational levels (not that they won't still need support or have a little ways to go)   Even the two I had for 2 short months dramatically changed.   The youngest 1 yr old came on a bottle and wouldn't touch even baby food.  I got him eating mostly solids within two months.  We worked our way up through baby food and soft foods to eating real food.   That child, a child who had a flat head because he was so neglected was even starting to walk when he left.  Of course all of these changes weren't just me.  I have a fabulous daycare and I love them= they are amazing, I have an awesome support system, and I'm sure being at the musicals and plays with high school students also played a large part of the improvements.   Either way it was amazing to watch and be a part of.

So I could probably go on and on and on and continue to ramble but I'm stopping here.   While I really got into foster care to adopt, I learned so much from doing it.  I think it will make me an even better mother (and yes I am not perfect) and I'm confident in my decision to move forward to being a parent.  I know now I can do it even with my schedule and being single.  Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this adventure.  Someday I may revisit it and continue foster care, but for now I am moving forward with the private adoption.  

Changes are coming!

Recent discoveries have made me make some big decisions lately about my life and the last week was difficult.    I thought I might have an opportunity to adopt outside of the system and that fell through, which I totally understand.  In the past couple of years though I have been reminded just how important those first two years of life are.   I also realize that I love being a part of the firsts (crawling, walking, reaching, talking, etc).  I loved that I was a part of many of these with my nephew.  So this led me to realize how much I really want an infant (that and I love babies).  Foster to adopt has not even remotely brought up opportunities to adopt and so I started checking.   Then I found out my social worker with TFI never turned in my adoption home study.    She did it over a year late to start with, but then it never got finished.   Talk about anger and being frustrated, especially since that was the reason I got into foster care.   It's not that I don't enjoy being a foster parent- most days- but I want to raise a child.  I want to see the results of all my hard work...not just fix them and then have to forget about them.  Honestly I can see my self doing foster care later, but at this point in my life I really want a family.

So this all led me to big decision #1.  I have decided to sign up with a private adoption company.   This means I'm basically going to be buying a baby....or that's what it feels like to me.   I hate that part.  I also don't know where the money is going to come from...but I'll figure it out- look for some fundraising things -jewerly etc.  (Shop amazon through the link on the right side and I get a percentage).   After research and research and more research, I'm working with Kansas Children's Service League's infant adoption.  I hope that's not a mistake.  Sadly I have to pay the full price of a home study since mine still hasn't been finished.  I have talked to the person doing my case and she knows what has been happening with foster care for me and I like her a lot so far.  She has been very upfront with me.   I just hope it's not another long wait to produce nothing in the end...especially with all the money.   I've done the application part, got my fingerprints, and am now waiting for the next step.   I have my meeting with her to do the home study in a couple weeks- right before school starts.  I sure hope this works out.  I also really want a girl btw...but we will see.

Big decision #2 - so I was going to lie to everyone about this one, but I suck at telling lies.  So here it goes....no judgement.  I had to ask for disruption for the boys I have.   I like them a lot and they are adorable.  However since visitations started (though parents again lost them this week), M has gone so far back in behaviors that I just can't do it.  I can't repeat my spring during the fall.  the biggest part of my decision was that I'm not the right placement for him.  Both boys have come so far...but M needs a very strict schedule to succeed and with the musical my schedule is all over the place.  he also needs all his sleep.    It was a very very hard decision because they have improved, but I have to think about me to and that's been a hard to do.   I also can't really work with two companies so they would have to be moved anyway eventually and now is a great transition time.  Would it be a different decision if they would eventually be up for adoption...maybe, but they won't be and even if they are there grandmother really wants them...she lives out of state and that's why they haven't moved with her.  I'm also tired and a little bitter still.  I need a break.   everyone keeps telling me I have had some really extreme toddlers in my care and while I know that's true (I do have 20+ experience with toddlers), I can't bring myself to believe it isn't all my fault.  I kind of feel like an epic failure and am embarressed by this decision and it's really rough when both boys are behaving.  BTW I know toddlers are just toddlers, but I reallydo have an extreme case.  The youngest is definately a 2yr old...but add that to the other who takes it to the extreme and often copies that, all the time...by myself....yeah....  I feel like I have to convince people why I had to make this decision.  I realize though it's probably still me I'm trying to convince.    I will miss them, but I'm also hoping something happens through the other service.  (And ok I'm going to leave my name on the adoption list with foster care- but I'm not going to do foster care)

And thus will end my 2yr run with foster care for now.   My social worker is going to put me as inactive until I tell her other wise.  I think down the road I actually want to continue doing it, but for now I'm going to look into the other adoption...so keep me in your thoughts...maybe someday I will really be able to say and show a kid of my own.   Wish life would have worked out with a husband and children, but it hasn't so this is the path I'm on.

When is enough enough?

The past couple of weeks have been really bad.  24hr after G left they called and asked me to take her back.  Of course I said yes.  Then I never heard again.   Apparently the aunt did not pass the KBI.  Now how they didn't figure this out in the month that this was planned for I have no idea.   I only found out she wasn't coming back to me when another person called asking me to do Respite care.  She checked into it.

I basically had a horrible 3 day breakdown.  I cried for 3 hrs for some reason after finding out, which went to about the middle of our family christmas.   So embarressing.  
I did do respite care for a 1 and 2 yr old and it was ok, but I was glad they went back.  They were tiny hurricanes in my house.  
I got a call last week about taking a 2yr old and a 5 day old.  I was so excited to finally be getting a baby....They said they would call me if it changed and put that I accepted and to no surpise I never heard again.  I called my family resource worker's supervisor and complained.  I also sent a complaint to my FRW.  This is tiring and frustrating and bothersome.  Why can't they take the 2 min to call back.  Why are they calling me in the first place if they have no intention of putting them in my house.

So now i'm trying to decide if I want to continue.  I've considered changing companies (which may be a good idea anyway as the company I was considering is the one with all the contracts for next 4 yrs.)/  Maybe i should just quite.  I don't know anymore.  Its so killing my mood too. I know I'm not impressed with TFI and the system sucks.

Can it get harder?

I know it's been awhile since I have written anything.   My life has been filled with my job, rehearsals, and appointments.   And it's been very very rough.   I feel as if I'm going to implode if anything else is added to my troubles.   
The kids are doing well, or rather better.   I'm having lots of problems with TFI and communication.  B is leaving next week for his "30 day trial" and already I can tell that's going to be extremely hard.  G is in therapy now and we are doing lots and lots of testing.  The therapist is already seeing improvements each week.  This week G asked for permission for something.  I think it was the first time she has asked a question and it was even appropriate.  She wanted to go with my stage manager somewhere.  She also last night at supper said "i am happy"  That made me happy.
My stupid brother and his wife are split for good this time.  She has kidnapped my nephew and taken him to Oklahoma and has filed a false charge against my brother - gotten a restaining order.  I may never get to see my nephew again.   This is ripping me up as well as the rest of our family.  She is so immature.
My boss last week threatened my job if I keep fostering.
Today I'm heading to Arkansas for my uncle's funeral.   Yep things just keep piling on.  :-(  I'm not sure how much more I can take.

And so it begins.....

So it really has come.  I have to share my baby.   B goes to stay his first weekend with his father.  It amazes me that the foster care system doesn't build up to extended stays, but as usual my opinion doesn't matter.   I started talking about it this mornign with the kids and I'm not sure how much they understood.   Life is going to rapidly start changing.   He's going to start being gone and then probably permantly and my schedule is changing with school back in.   This is going to be an interesting weekend.  I hope it goes well.
Yesterday the early education staff came to the house and both kids were the best they have been, absolutely no fits.  It was interesting to see.  They both almost acted like normal children.   To some length I'm happy about that, but in someway I wish they would have shown some of the challenges a little more.

School has started and life is much busier, I'm glad too.

Please, Thank you, and other manners

One of the things I try to do with my foster kids and well my school kids too, is to instill good manners.  This includes saying please and thank you.   G has refused to say please despite the fact I know she can.   It's almost as if she shuts down when you try to get her to say it.  Finally this past weekend though she started to use the word.  You have to remind her to say it, but she does.   She was already doing pretty well on using Thank you.  now we just have to get B to use it.
Today they had court and I guess it went odd.  their mom and family tried to get the court to move them out of here because "they get sick so much" - Not true they are in daycare so of course they are going to get sick.  B's dad is now going to get weekend visits every weekend.   And then a 30 day trial.  Yeah I don't think so.   That's not fair to me and not fair to G.   Either move him or don't.   I'm so frustrated over that.   I shouldn't have to put even more of my life on hold for a kid that isn't mine and because TFI is so dumb.  I don't think they really do anything for the kids sake.   And honestly if they are going to have extended visits then why does it always have to be the weekend?   Why not during the week- see if they can handle him while they work and stuff.   So stupid.   And to top it off this 30 day trial may mean I can't take other kids and they can just keep him at the end.  ridiculous.   And if he comes back, how is that helping G.  Their mom isn't keeping up on what she's supposed to be doing and I guess they threw a fit in court and almost got kicked out, blaming the situation on TFI and me.   Why do I put myself in all these frustrating situations.
Also I'm trying to redo my living room floor and that's ending in disaster.   Arg.  oh well.

More Lies from the TFI

Last week I received word that my Great Uncle is not doing well at all and has been given limited time to live.  I grew up traveling to his house (Him and my aunt raised my cousin - their granddaughter).   I requested that the kids be able to travel out of state with me for a weekend so that I could go and visit them.  Apparently all the parents have to ok it.   B's dad said no.  That is extremely frustrating.  He doesn't want to have to worry about b on the road.  All the training says treat them like your own, take them on the trips. And then I get turned down.   So instead of going out of state, we are going to travel in state.  I don't have to have permission to do that.   And the funny thing is that we will actually be traveling the same distance/time - it will just be in state.   SO frustrating.

Do They Really Know What they are doing?

I am doubting TFI's ability everyday as I get further in this process.   It's becoming frustrating and really not worth the time.   In the past two weeks I have received several calls and not one of them has worked out.  First here are some problems on my end..

• I was on vacation
•  My license says 0-6 and I really only want 0-3, though there is supposedly a note on my paperwork that says would prefer 3 and under.   I also have by now talked to every person at the intake office and said "I have a crib and a toddler bed"  And by the way I am going to change that on my license if I decide to renew.
• I am at a point I am unwilling to purchase more furniture due to cost and lack of space.

Now on my paperwork I know it should list I have one room, 0-6 age, two children, oh and I'm single.

Problems on their end.

I keep getting calls for children that should never be even called about here.  I'm also tired of them sounding so flustered that I only have a crib and toddler bed and am unwilling or unable to magically make other furniture appear.  I have received calls for:

• an autistic child that they have problems taking in to public (really you want to put this child in a single home- how am I supposed to buy groceries and um work)
• three times they have called about sibling sets that have 3 or more children that they want to keep together.
• twice they have called with a 4 and 6 year old combination
• About they 5th call into vacation they called about an emergency pair (HELLO I"M IN OUT OF STATE)  I know I'd already talked to that person once that day.
• One of the calls was about a 6yr old, I said I don't have a bed (BTW I don't have toys or clothes or a carseat or anything else for a 6yr old) and they woman said it was ok, he was actually a difficult child anyway....really....really?
• Tonight I received a call about a 1 and 5 year old, who then she (the person calling) had to go and get permission for them to stay in the same room since there is such an age gap (I actually said ok, that I'd work on getting another bed but it wouldn't happen tonight) only to receive a call back that the 1 year old was not the same sex as the 5 yr old so they would have to be in different rooms-----can they not read at TFI?

Another huge issue I have currently with TFI is that they give access to their resource homes (aka saps like me) that lists children who need placement so that we can also call about them.  I have done so 3 times now.   

• One was for a little girl and the guy said she didn't have placement and that I actually was next on the list to call and that he would put in there that I accepted.  I waited and even tried to call the person "in charge of her" to make sure that was going to happen. Not only did I never receive a call back from my message (they apparently do not return calls there so I'm not sure why they have answering machines), but I did not ever get that girl.  Oh and what little information is given on this website was incorrect on her.
• Another was for a little boy, who was actually closer than the others.  He already had a placement....Do they ever update this website...The 1st child was on there for two weeks after I called and this child is still listed. 
• Tonight I called about what I thought was a sibling pair (yes I would prefer to have one child- but there don't seem to be many that come alone).  This is what happens when you call the intake department.  Someone answers, you tell them why you are calling, they pass you off to someone else at least once if not twice to a person who is in charge of that area and if you are lucky you get a human and not their answering machine.  I am not lucky.   So I leave messages and then I never hear from them EVER.

So my question is why have this website, if it is never updated and they don't really want a person to call.   BTW there are lots of children who fall under my age level, but none of them are close to me.  I'm wondering more and more each day if TFI was the correct group to work with and if I should continue this after my license is up.   I originally got in it to adopt ( I do wish I were rich and could just adopt a newborn or that life had worked out for me not to be single), but I don't seem to be any closer to moving towards adoption.  I want a child under 1 to adopt badly, because unlike the parents whose children end up in this situation, I want to be a part of those big stepping stones (eating, walking, talking)  I think those are the best moments and I love them which is why I love working with toddlers/babies.  I am finding out that TFI does not take in many children near me and I'm sure this is a hindrance in what I'm called about.  I wonder if maybe I should look more into Youthville since they work with this area.  I'm just kind of at a loss right now and frustrated.  I love having kids in my house and don't mind most of the fostering aspect when they are here, but I don't like my life being controlled by the 'what if i have a kid or they call or...'

So my lack of children in my home is not because of lack of trying.

Anger can not describe how I feel

Last night I received a call from R & G's worker stating the boys would be moved in 14 days to a family member that has come forward and passed all the background checks,etc.   Again it was a complete surprise and completely upsets me for several reasons (and just to clarify if they were going home it would be different)
First of all...just last week the Social worker said to me yes it would probably be long term and we discussed all the meetings that we had coming up for the boys.  I even discussed a trip to Colorado.   In my conversation with her I also told her I hoped they made sure mom was really ready when they do go home, because I'm not sure R would survive another move.   Not once did she say or even hint to the idea that they were looking at someone else to move them too.
Secondly...R & G have made huge strides with me and I'm not sure why they would want to break that at this point.  R is more social and is really doing well with emotions and handling things better.  We are even in the middle of potty training, which I now feel like is a waste of my time.    G is eating food finally and so close to walking.  He's happy most of the time and doesn't hit his head on the floor as much.  We have been working with the early ed here to get him on a plan with them and now all of it will go to waste.  
Thirdly why can't they be professional and let me know that they are looking at someone earlier.   It makes me feel incompatent and upsets me beyond believe.   Is there something I'm saying at the meetings with the social worker?   Is there something wrong with my house?  Did the boys say something?   I did ask if R was abused and last time this happened I asked if H was a drug baby.   Maybe I'm not really supposed to be an advocate for the kids, nothing else is like what they tell you.  
  Oh and did I mention the kids haven't even gotten to see their mom because of missed/not passed UA's.  (Drug tests)  Hey lets move the kids closer so they can't see her while they are there.   As one can tell I am very upset over this and angry.   I'm angry that she didn't tell me sooner of the possibility and that it's happening at all.   I want better information.

An Introduction

Hello Blog readers.  If you have come across my blog, I'm glad you've stopped to read.   This blog is basically about my path to a family.   A little background information.  I turned 33 in February of this year and I desperately want kids.  However I am single and have been for...well....33yrs.  For whatever reason, God has not brought a love to me and although I always thought I'd be the married woman with children, I am not.   However I do want kids and I want them before I turn really really old.  :-)    I have been looking at adoption/fostering for the past couple of years almost daily and have thought about it prior to that.   Sadly flat out adopting an infant is way to expensive....I'm only a high school theatre teacher - not a millionaire.   AFter talking with a couple people in town and trying donor sperm and not getting pregnant, I finally made the active decision to fill out the application to foster to adopt.  I do want a baby very badly and hope that something works out.  I know there are older kids in need of a home and down the road I would be very happy to foster/adopt them, but I want to raise a kid also.  So I'm going to blog about trying to get to my family.  I live alone in my own house with a 3yr old dog, a 1 year old cat, and a 2yr old rescued goldfish.  So my first official step was to file an application.  I filed with TFI family services.  They sent out 5 reference forms and I know some of them have been sent in.  Hopefully all have with good remarks and I'm waiting to hear from them that my application was accepted and to move on to the next step.  I've inquired about a specific baby I know about in town who is 5 or 6 months old.  They couldn't give me any information, but a coworker is going to talk to her foster dad.....we will see if she does.  I feel a little wierd about asking.   I am hoping she might be a possibility as I've been wondering about her for about 6 months.   However there is a lot of stuff I have to do to be able to foster or adopt.  First step---must be accepted by TFI.  I hope this process goes quickly and smoothly.  So wish me luck...check back and see how it goes!