Changes are coming!

Recent discoveries have made me make some big decisions lately about my life and the last week was difficult.    I thought I might have an opportunity to adopt outside of the system and that fell through, which I totally understand.  In the past couple of years though I have been reminded just how important those first two years of life are.   I also realize that I love being a part of the firsts (crawling, walking, reaching, talking, etc).  I loved that I was a part of many of these with my nephew.  So this led me to realize how much I really want an infant (that and I love babies).  Foster to adopt has not even remotely brought up opportunities to adopt and so I started checking.   Then I found out my social worker with TFI never turned in my adoption home study.    She did it over a year late to start with, but then it never got finished.   Talk about anger and being frustrated, especially since that was the reason I got into foster care.   It's not that I don't enjoy being a foster parent- most days- but I want to raise a child.  I want to see the results of all my hard work...not just fix them and then have to forget about them.  Honestly I can see my self doing foster care later, but at this point in my life I really want a family.

So this all led me to big decision #1.  I have decided to sign up with a private adoption company.   This means I'm basically going to be buying a baby....or that's what it feels like to me.   I hate that part.  I also don't know where the money is going to come from...but I'll figure it out- look for some fundraising things -jewerly etc.  (Shop amazon through the link on the right side and I get a percentage).   After research and research and more research, I'm working with Kansas Children's Service League's infant adoption.  I hope that's not a mistake.  Sadly I have to pay the full price of a home study since mine still hasn't been finished.  I have talked to the person doing my case and she knows what has been happening with foster care for me and I like her a lot so far.  She has been very upfront with me.   I just hope it's not another long wait to produce nothing in the end...especially with all the money.   I've done the application part, got my fingerprints, and am now waiting for the next step.   I have my meeting with her to do the home study in a couple weeks- right before school starts.  I sure hope this works out.  I also really want a girl btw...but we will see.

Big decision #2 - so I was going to lie to everyone about this one, but I suck at telling lies.  So here it goes....no judgement.  I had to ask for disruption for the boys I have.   I like them a lot and they are adorable.  However since visitations started (though parents again lost them this week), M has gone so far back in behaviors that I just can't do it.  I can't repeat my spring during the fall.  the biggest part of my decision was that I'm not the right placement for him.  Both boys have come so far...but M needs a very strict schedule to succeed and with the musical my schedule is all over the place.  he also needs all his sleep.    It was a very very hard decision because they have improved, but I have to think about me to and that's been a hard to do.   I also can't really work with two companies so they would have to be moved anyway eventually and now is a great transition time.  Would it be a different decision if they would eventually be up for adoption...maybe, but they won't be and even if they are there grandmother really wants them...she lives out of state and that's why they haven't moved with her.  I'm also tired and a little bitter still.  I need a break.   everyone keeps telling me I have had some really extreme toddlers in my care and while I know that's true (I do have 20+ experience with toddlers), I can't bring myself to believe it isn't all my fault.  I kind of feel like an epic failure and am embarressed by this decision and it's really rough when both boys are behaving.  BTW I know toddlers are just toddlers, but I reallydo have an extreme case.  The youngest is definately a 2yr old...but add that to the other who takes it to the extreme and often copies that, all the time...by myself....yeah....  I feel like I have to convince people why I had to make this decision.  I realize though it's probably still me I'm trying to convince.    I will miss them, but I'm also hoping something happens through the other service.  (And ok I'm going to leave my name on the adoption list with foster care- but I'm not going to do foster care)

And thus will end my 2yr run with foster care for now.   My social worker is going to put me as inactive until I tell her other wise.  I think down the road I actually want to continue doing it, but for now I'm going to look into the other adoption...so keep me in your thoughts...maybe someday I will really be able to say and show a kid of my own.   Wish life would have worked out with a husband and children, but it hasn't so this is the path I'm on.