I feel out of control

Sometimes I think this fostering idea is the biggest mistake of my life.   I don't seem to have any control over my own life anymore and worse sometimes I feel like I lose control of myself.   After 2 1/2 weeks things have not improved much with the little girl I have.  Her listening skills and ability to follow any instructions hasn't improved at all and my ability to handle it seems to be declining.  If she would just follow simple instructions life would be so much better.  I probably need to have them moved to another home, but then I feel bad for them and I feel like a complete failure.  There are such worse things she could be doing.  The little boy is a challenge at times, but overall is not to bad.
Today I saw into the system a little more when attending a case plan.  This case seems a little out of the ordinary.   The sad thing I figured out from the meeting is that more than likely the kids will be split up. I will be surprised if they are in my care much longer anyway.   I really need to figure out how I feel fostering and if it is something I want to continue.   I keep going back and forth in my thought pattern.   Here are a couple of pictures from the 4th.  They don't show faces so I figure it can't hurt anything.

 All worn out B can't even stay awake at fireworks. (we weren't' that far from them either)

 G watching fireworks (this was probably the only second she was sitting)

Pretty fireworks

My trial run - The first 24hrs

This is my 2yr old nephew whom I have successfully brought home with me for the week.   I am using him as a test run on being a mom....ok and I really wanted to spend time with him.  We left his parent's house yesterday and drove the 3hrs home.  He thankfully slept the whole way.   As I'm going through my books and filling them out and also being around him, I am becoming more confident in my choice of adopting and adopting young.   It's interesting having him away from his parents and he's done really well.  Last night we went to supper with my parents and stopped and bought some necessities that of course weren't sent with him.   Then we came home and he went right to sleep.  He woke up only once and I only gave him a drink when he went to bed (he finished it before he fell asleep~his parents give him drinks all night- up to 1/2 a gallon of milk)  he asked for more and I told him no...he rolled over and went to sleep.  I didn't give him more till early morning not long before he got up cause he asked for a drink.   Today I took him to church with me.  He is not very good at sharing and takes toys...we had to do a time out.  However he did very well with it.  No crying and we discussed what he did and he agreed not to do it anymore and got to go play.   After church he slept all the time I was in the grocery store which I thought was funny, as did all the other shoppers around me.   I made a lunch with a lot of variety since I don't really know what he really likes and then we went to a movie this afternoon.  He fell asleep about 20 minutes into the movie and has been asleep since only waking up momentarily.  I know later tonight I'm going to totally wish I had forced him to wake up.   But he's sooooo tired.  I can't believe he is sleeping through the loud annoying fireworks outside.  he's been a good boy.  I think this is a great experience because I'm taking in a kid that hasn't really been away from mom and dad much and I see him only once a month, but I think it's a lot of the same things I'll go through taking in a foster---except my nephew does at least know me.   

So far it's going well.  I hope he sleeps most of the night and I hope that the fireworks stop soon.   My dog and cat are curled up with me cause of the dumb noise..  I wouldn't mind them so much if they could use some sort of respect for others.    

I also went back to the horse place this last week.  I talked with the owner some.  I'd like to go more...I'm still a little lost about what to do.  I spent time with the mamma's and babies.  one got mad at me for not paying attention and came over and stomped on my foot.  It's still all bruised a week later.    

Here's a picture.  It's the big brown one.   That's her baby~the youngest there.

here's a picture of the shetland pony I call pickpocket.  I forgot her name.

Enjoy the pictures.  I really should get some sleep since I know my nephew will be up sometime in the middle of the night.