Yet again....

       I guess I haven't updated for awhile.  The first week after B left, G was horrible, and I didn't think we were going to make it.  Then we met for the new case plan at the end of the month and it seemed to completely change.  We made huge leaps and bounds in behavior and everything.  She started to play with my students and enjoy being around others.  In fact only rarely does she get out of hand anymore. I had even come to the conclusion that I would keep her if she was up for adoption.  She won't be.
       G has been seeing her mom one day a week and then spending time with her aunt.   This last Monday I got a call about a 2 day visit over thanksgiving (extremely frustrating) and I asked if she would be with me through Christmas.  Her case managers both said they didn't see any big moves before then.  Tuesday one was at my house and told me, yes she probably would go live with her aunt prior to Christmas.  I asked if she could stay till the 19th, figuring I had no say in the matter.   Wednesday I got an email telling me she would be moving on the 19th.
       I'm sad about this because she's really turned in to an adorable 2yr old.  And my family really loves her- especially my Dad.   G and my nephew get along really well.  I can't believe how fast they changed their minds and before an actual overnight actually happened.   It's going to be hard saying goodbye to her.
        I wish I could just adopt and I sooooo badly want a baby.  There are 3 babies expected in the next 3 months in my family.  It was embarrassing to be at thanksgiving dinner and to be around that and to be the most single person in the world.  My aunt feels I'm desperate and keeps trying to see if I'd be interested in a man who is 20yrs older than me and an "odd" person as she continued to describe him.   Oh well into the holiday season I go.  

Here is a pic of the felt Christmas tree I made.  It is having issues staying on the wall, but she had fun playing with it.

Saying Goodbye

My baby B left last week and it was so hard.  He left screaming and crying out for me.  That was hard. G was also screaming.  I know she misses her brother lots, but thankfully is still getting to see him..  It's been a rough week and a half with G.  Her behavior since her last visitation has really declined.   And it's been hard not to have her go.   We literally have after school appointments 4 out of 5 days a week and I'm not sure how much more I can do.   G is adorable when she isn't throwing tantrums or whining.      Tonight she did really well out, but she's also sick so she's much more mellow.  Poor girl, wish I could make her feel better.
As for the other disaster in my life, we still haven't seen my nephew.  My sister in law filed a restraining order against my brother with a bunch of BS, he got a lawyer and started the divorce process.  He showed up with the lawyer and she freaked out and wanted to hold off on the court date, which is dumb, she filed it and should have been prepared.  I wish I could have been there to see the look on her face when the lawyer approached her.  now she's trying to get the next court date pushed off.  She started all this, she should have been prepared to fight.   I think she's gone off her rocker.
And to top that off, I think I'm going to be pulled into court over it.  We'll see.  Life is sucking...though it could be worse.  Here's a pic of the rennaissance faire we went to last weekend.

And so it begins.....

So it really has come.  I have to share my baby.   B goes to stay his first weekend with his father.  It amazes me that the foster care system doesn't build up to extended stays, but as usual my opinion doesn't matter.   I started talking about it this mornign with the kids and I'm not sure how much they understood.   Life is going to rapidly start changing.   He's going to start being gone and then probably permantly and my schedule is changing with school back in.   This is going to be an interesting weekend.  I hope it goes well.
Yesterday the early education staff came to the house and both kids were the best they have been, absolutely no fits.  It was interesting to see.  They both almost acted like normal children.   To some length I'm happy about that, but in someway I wish they would have shown some of the challenges a little more.

School has started and life is much busier, I'm glad too.

Our First Road Trip

This weekend I took B & G on our first road trip.  We traveled with my parents and my brother.  During the trip we visited Legoland and an aquarium.  Legoland did not go so well.  Babies were tired and really it was for older kids.   They both loved the aquarium.   Overall the weekend was ok.  G though was close to being thrown out on the way home.  Everyone tired of her behavior.   I wish I could figure out how to get her to take naps.  She becomes so intolerable when she doesn't have one.   I can't believe she didn't fall asleep on the road, but nope (didn't want to miss anything).   l know when she came there was no way we could have done this, but I'm not entirely sure she was ready now.   I do see some improvements, but boy do we have a ways to go.   I ended up putting them in daycare today for a break and to get back into our normal schedule.   

I feel out of control

Sometimes I think this fostering idea is the biggest mistake of my life.   I don't seem to have any control over my own life anymore and worse sometimes I feel like I lose control of myself.   After 2 1/2 weeks things have not improved much with the little girl I have.  Her listening skills and ability to follow any instructions hasn't improved at all and my ability to handle it seems to be declining.  If she would just follow simple instructions life would be so much better.  I probably need to have them moved to another home, but then I feel bad for them and I feel like a complete failure.  There are such worse things she could be doing.  The little boy is a challenge at times, but overall is not to bad.
Today I saw into the system a little more when attending a case plan.  This case seems a little out of the ordinary.   The sad thing I figured out from the meeting is that more than likely the kids will be split up. I will be surprised if they are in my care much longer anyway.   I really need to figure out how I feel fostering and if it is something I want to continue.   I keep going back and forth in my thought pattern.   Here are a couple of pictures from the 4th.  They don't show faces so I figure it can't hurt anything.

 All worn out B can't even stay awake at fireworks. (we weren't' that far from them either)

 G watching fireworks (this was probably the only second she was sitting)

Pretty fireworks

Daycare

Ahh I feel as if I can breath.  The house is quiet, the kids are gone, the pets are sleeping.  Yesterday I got permission to take the kids to daycare.  They can go 8 hours a day for a break for me and I'm sooooo happy about it.   Today was the first day.  I just dropped them off.  Neither kid cried so that was awesome.   It probably helped that their rooms were eating breakfast and both kids were hungry.    I think this will be really good for them.  I must say I'm a big fan of daycare or at least the one I take kids to.  It's a business not a home daycare and I'm ok with that, especially for kids in the foster care that really really need structure.  I am a fan for the following
  - The staff at this place is amazing and they work with the kids and I see amazing improvement with each of them.
- Daycare helps the kids get socialized and learn boundaries outside of the home.  They learn to take turns, interact, and many skills I may miss when teaching them.    I think it helps them educationally too.  This daycare has activities planned, specific guidelines, and order of learning.   They are finding new ways to teach letters, colors, shapes, and manners.
- Daycare gives me a break or allows me to work.    I need some quiet time.  I'm not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom.  I think I'm a great mom, but not a 24/7 mom.   And being single, daycare gives the kids a chance to learn from someone other than just me.  

Hopefully this will quickly help improve both of these kids to where I don't feel like I'm getting on them constantly.  I'm trying so hard to keep them busy and to find things to praise them for so I'm not reprimanding them constantly.  I was even trying to find activities where they would have the freedom to do what they liked.  Yesterday we went to the park and as long as they stayed where I could see them, I let them go.   G took off her shoes and I didn't say anything.  So they get dirty, my tub works.   I have so much cleaning I have to do today.  Ack.

Here is a picture of the cloud dough we made and played with the other day.  It was fun and messy.

I am Struggling

Ok it's only been a few days and I'm struggling.  G is out of control.  She doesn't listen, gets into everything, and doesn't understand NO.    I can't get her to do anything and she wanders off all the time.

Our day at my friends did not go well and by the end of the day I was extremely frustrated and they were covered in mud and water.  I know my friend was frustrated also.  We did get some pictures but not many.  We tried to go to story time at their library and I had to take my two out of the place and wait outside.   G wandered off to many times and she can open doors.

We then tried the zoo yesterday and that was a disaster.  We made it through the petting zoo and saw the monkeys.  That was it.  She would wander off or refuse to stay with me.   I tried letting both kids walk and they would go in different directions.  For awhile I put G in, but the 15 month old B got tired so I switched them and that ended in the hugest and a very long screaming fit from G.   It took 15-20 min to get from one side of the elephant enclosure to the other and there weren't even any elephants to look at.   Of course everyone passing got quite a show.

Today I begged my brother to meet us at a pool.  With two people it wasn't to bad and they both love water so that helps.  I tried to buy a kiddie pool but for some reason my water outside doesn't work.  this is also frustrating.    When we are home all that the kids do is dump things, get into things and hit each other.  Neither listens and she is the worst.  I don't' know if I can do this with them.  Nothing seems to be working.  She doesn't seem to understand cause and effect, so when she is put in time out it doesn't work and talking doesn't work.  I don't know what to do.
Maybe when my case worker is back I can convince her to let me put them in daycare even though I'm not working right now.  I don't think they will.  They both need socialization with other kids and a really structured day.    And I need some time alone and to get some things done.  

I've been putting them to bed earlier because B is always tired and G drives me nuts.  She refuses to go to sleep unless I'm in the room and that takes forever so I'm not even getting a break then.  It takes for ever.  I'm so frustrated tonight.   What am I going to do for the next 7 weeks. Ack

oops I missed again

I thought it would be great to update this, get my experiences out...blah blah blah.  But time gets away.  I lived through the musical with two kids and they both survived.  Though I will admit the week before my parents came up on a Sunday to 'save me' and then we ended up in the ER with girl.  She got her finger smashed hard in a door.   Overall kids are doing well.  Girl has become exceptionally clingy since the week of the show, I don't blame her.   Kids are behaving though much better or I am handling it better.  Last week during the holidays, they got to spend the night with their mom for the first time.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about that.  They were not able to stay at their home and stayed at great grandma's.   So throw more confusion at them.  I met the family.  It was interesting.  Only the kids' great grandmother talked to me.   And the mom didn't even say hi to the kids when she walked up.   Very young, angry young woman.  I can't imagine being in her shoes though and being told about your own kids.

Of course that stay resulted in digressing for both kids.  They are fighting more again and throwing tantrums.  I've started over with Bryson sleeping again (he's not).  It's frustrating.  We were finally getting to a normal and now it feels like we are starting over.   Both kids are clingy.  Tuesday they went to do their weekly visit with mom and refused to go to daycare the next day.  I had to convince them I was picking them up and no one else.   I feel bad for the kids.  I can't imagine being them and trying to figure it out, especially at such a young age.