The Wait Continues

I'm not sure which will in the end be the hardest, saying goodbye to the kids or this wait of not having any information.  The social workers have not give me any information.  I don't know when or how they are leaving or to whom.  I think it's totally unfair to me and also to the kids.   I have things I need to pack for them and they need to know it's happening before they leave or it will be the same as when they were removed from home.   I don't want them to leave thinking I didn't want them so I want to be able to discuss it with them.  This is frustrating and stressfull.  I've asked for information but they haven't given me anything.  I've chosen not to go to the court thing today since my opinion apparently doesn't matter and they have already made the decision to move the kids.  I can see how people don't want to be foster parents.  I told my social worker (whom isn't totally realiable) that I really want to move towards the adoption process.  
The kids are adorable and I am going to miss them.  Boy has really grown up in the past 4 1/2 months.  He's no longer the blank wall I used to try to talk to .  He uses complete sentences, has full conversations and recalls information very well.  He is quite polite and is a sponge for information.   Girl has started running, talks all the time, and is now in the copy everything you say phase.   She to is a sponge for information.  She loves being tickled and dancing.   They are good kids and I hope whereever they go the people taking care of them know how special the kids are.  They are smart and have so much potential.
I will miss them.

And so it Happens

Last night I got a phone call from my social worker stating that the kids would be moved to a relative in the kid's hometown.  That was all she said which totally freaked me out.  I thought maybe I did something since this move is declared right after a 3 night stay with mom and after I asked 'are we sure the baby girl isn't a drug baby'.   So I freaked otu and tryed to call her back, she didn't answer, so I did what any irrational freaked otu person would do and called the kids' social worker who also did not answer.  However after freaking out a little more I tried again.   She answered and informed me it had nothing to do with me and I was great.   I knew it was selfish of me to even ask, but I need to know if I have done an error.  This is my first foster kids.  They are moving to start the reintegration process so when the court date happens they can start moving them home faster.  I still don't understand how the mom/grandma are going to be found anything but guilty, but I guess that's not my problem or call. I just hope they actually give me a date they are leaving so I can pack and have them prepared (as well as myself)
I am happy that they are moving towards reintegration I guess---if that's what they need to do.  I'm not sure it's what's best for the kids, but that could be the small attachment I have speaking there.   I think what's hardest is knowing when they leave that's it.  It will kind of feel like the girls moving away.  I never get to talk to them anymore and it's hard (course I was around them a lot longer)  I'm actually handling it cureently very well.  I'm more troubled by the way I was told and how underhanded it was.  Maybe the next kid will be for keeps.   And I'm at least a little more prepared.

Merry Christmas

My first Christmas with kids came...sort of.  We had Christmas last night.   It was fun and the kids are comepletly spoiled.   There are new toys everywhere in my living room.   I have no idea where it's all going and we don't have enough to get rid of some things to make room.  I never had room originally.  I'm sad I don't get to spend actual Christmas with them.   They went home tonight for the next few days.  I understand though, they aren't really mine.  I'm not looking forward to them returning...well not them returning, their behaviors when they return is really what I mean.  When they just spent one night it took almost two weeks to semi get back to normal and I'm not sure H ever did, so 3 nights should be wonderful.   I hope all have a fabulous Christmas...I'm going to enjoy my time without kids and see some of my friends.

oops I missed again

I thought it would be great to update this, get my experiences out...blah blah blah.  But time gets away.  I lived through the musical with two kids and they both survived.  Though I will admit the week before my parents came up on a Sunday to 'save me' and then we ended up in the ER with girl.  She got her finger smashed hard in a door.   Overall kids are doing well.  Girl has become exceptionally clingy since the week of the show, I don't blame her.   Kids are behaving though much better or I am handling it better.  Last week during the holidays, they got to spend the night with their mom for the first time.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about that.  They were not able to stay at their home and stayed at great grandma's.   So throw more confusion at them.  I met the family.  It was interesting.  Only the kids' great grandmother talked to me.   And the mom didn't even say hi to the kids when she walked up.   Very young, angry young woman.  I can't imagine being in her shoes though and being told about your own kids.

Of course that stay resulted in digressing for both kids.  They are fighting more again and throwing tantrums.  I've started over with Bryson sleeping again (he's not).  It's frustrating.  We were finally getting to a normal and now it feels like we are starting over.   Both kids are clingy.  Tuesday they went to do their weekly visit with mom and refused to go to daycare the next day.  I had to convince them I was picking them up and no one else.   I feel bad for the kids.  I can't imagine being them and trying to figure it out, especially at such a young age.

A Month into Motherhood

Well I'm not doing a good job of keeping up with this.  Partially because I don't get on the computer anymore much at night and usually it's blocked at my job...though today I found it to be unblocked and here we go.  (don't worry I'm not avoiding teaching- it's a parent/teacher day)
Improvements since last post:   Sleep habits are improving some.  We have now how almost full nights of sleep and Boy has slept in bed most of the time.   Both kids are behaving better for longer spurts and I'm enjoying having them around.   We took a trip to the KC Ren Fest and it was very successful.  Girl screamed all the way up, but we survived and overall they were very well behaved.  It helped that there were 4 adults also.   After the Ren Fest we took them to the Trex restaurant because Boy is really into dinosaurs right now.  That was a lot of fun.  We go every year to both, but it was different to have kids.  We got to see things through fresh eyes.   Boy is asking for things more instead of whining and really both kids fits/tantrums have decreased.   This week has been nice because of P/T conferences, they have had sitters this week and are getting to bed at a decent time.
I know that getting to my schedule is probably rough and every once in a while it really hits me that we are ALWAYS on the go.   Poor kids.
Things I'm still struggling with.  Girl still bites and bit 3 kids yesterday (she also got bit).  It's become less often and she did have a crap load of shots the day before (both kids were really behind in shots).  I wish I knew how to stop the biting.   Boy still pushes/hits/pinches - especially at church.  Last sunday he pushed another child and she bit her lip.   71/2 years at the job and no accidents till now.  very frustrating.  Yesterday he bit someone also.   I hope they don't get kicked out of daycare.   I really like the daycare they are going to.
Really the few times they get like this and nighttime is the only time we are still struggling.  I have seen huge improvements in the last month (it was a month yesterday).  People always ask me how I'm doing but other than night time, it's really not been to different.  I still get up about the same time, I go to bed earlier and eat better.  It takes a little longer to get in and out of the car, but that's about it. I'm still doing everything almost that I was before.  

What to do.

I've hit a delimna.   Nighttime with Boy.  He won't go to sleep.  he's been sleeping on the couch a lot lately.  I get so frustrated.
Also today was rough.  Girl bit Boy and left a lovely mark.  I've been trying so hard to keep the kids mark free for fear of retaliation of parent or social services...though they are bound to have marks.  Girl is just learning to walk and Boy is clumsy.   Also Boy had the biggest and hugest tantrum ever tonight at rehearsal.  He cryed so hard he made himself sick.   I don't know why either.  He won't answer yes or no questions so it's hard to get information from him.
I guess tomorrow I'll call my FSW and find out about the bite.   ack.
Tomorrow will be better...right.  It has improved there are just moments....

Getting Better

Things dramatically improved since the last post.  In fact that night they slept better and have done much better sleeping most nights.   I've changed daycares and feel better about the new one.    they are adorable, just can be cranky.  The kids at school love playing with them and it wears them out which is good.