When Life Doesn't Seem Worth it.

There has been zero contact from my adoption agency since the caseworker quit.  And because of my life, I'm thinking that 1. This is just a dream that won't happen, 2. maybe it shouldn't happen.  3.  Maybe I should make the decision to make it stop happening.

I am at a crossroads.  As many know I love my job.  I like working with the kids, I like creating the semi masterpieces we make, and this is where I planned on retiring.  i don't like big changes.  Especially changes where it may not work out.  Unfortunately my administration has made it very clear and continues to make it clear they no longer want me there.  I've been targeted, censured and harassed for the past year and an email today stating part of my job has been given to someone else,  it quite obvious they have no intentions of stopping this.  Which is sad and hard and heartbreaking.  I have done nothing wrong (granted like everyone I know I could always do better).  I even had excellent evaluations last year and yearly I increase my class size and my extracurricular numbers. It literally is tearing my heart to pieces- I follow rules, I'm the good girl, the one who always does right for everyone else (ok unless you are dumb and I just don't agree)...no seriously though I would always help someone else before myself if at all possible.   So it looks like I have less than nine months left at my job (less so if I could find another job that pays well enough to pay my bills- of which there are many)  I truly wish it were one of those times I was overthinking the problem, but it's not.
What is funny..is even as my work life has decreased in positive things, I still worry constantly about what will happen if suddenly they called with a baby.  I know I can't just drop my work life because it affects my students...but should I really even care since the job itself obviously doesn't care about me... (AND i'm not talking about my students- who oddly enough do like me and are a major positive in my life)  I work hard at my job and it does take a massive amount of my life, but I like it and I do as good a job as I can.  I want those kids to succeed and I know they count on me.

I'm scared.  I'm worried.  And I don't want to go, but I will have to.  And all of my current options in life leave me with a lot of questions...especially about adopting.
How much more do I have to be torn down before enough is enough?  How can I change the situation?  How do I find somewhere that can pay all my debts?
 If I have to get a different job will they let me adopt?  If I can't find a job- what happens to the adoption process?  I can't start that over, nor will I.   How in the heck am I going to afford the adoption with a different job, when I already struggle with debt now?  Maybe it's a sign I shouldn't continue.  Will I have to give up everything in my life I ever thought I wanted.   I've already given up on the husband and being loved.  Do I have to give up on my dream job and any family of my own?   It feels like life is screaming at me, "you have planned everything WRONG!"  Is there really a point to my life?  Is it really right of me- a person who's life is falling apart to actually be a mother to a child?   Wouldn't it be better not to put another living being into your problemed life?

I wish I could see in the future and see that everything was going to work out.  But that light at the end of the tunnel keeps moving further away...or there is something big blocking it.  So why am I writing this...for sympathy...not really. for encouragement..probably  To help others realize everyone has problem...sure.  I know things will get better....or at least I'm going to keep thinking that.

BTW I can't thank those of you who have listened to me vent and cry and be frustrated this last year enough.  Your support through this extremely difficult year has been truly appreciated.

PS- despite all my comments above please note I truly do love teaching kids and theatre (even the truly difficult kids) and though I sometimes am not sure I will ever be a mom, I am a good mom and will be awesome at it.  In fact they will be somewhat spoiled.  See the cute bed I got.....

And I got a Dr. Pepper- so that helps!  

Still Waiting

There really isn't much to report.    I have not been chosen a total of five times now, so I guess there is that.  My worker has also quit so that should be an interesting transition.   I however was told I'm the 2nd longest family waiting in the system because so many were adopted this past month.   So now I just need to wait till there is a baby that the parents don't want a say in where their child is going or to be chosen.  They had so many there for awhile I got very hopeful.
I also wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who has been using my Amazon link when they shop.  While it's a small percentage, every little penny helps.  Please keep using it and sharing it with others.
 If you are interested in donating to my adoption funds, please check out my GoFundMe page which is listed on the right side of this blog.  Feel free to share this as well.   It was very hard to set that up because I don't really like handouts (The amazon one doesn't seem that way), but I also know that adoption is very expensive and I'm not rich...sadly.
I hope everyone is enjoying the nice weather in the middle of July.   Keep thinking positive thoughts with me and hopefully sometime I will have awesome news.
Just for fun here is a cute picture from the zoo the other day.  I'm so sad the summer is almost over.

Third Time is not the Charm

So a little update on my adoption stuff.  I have come to the conclusion it isn't going to happen.   In the past two weeks I have had my profile shown 3 times.  And 3 times I have of course not been chosen.   (Technically I've gotten 4 calls to show my profile).  The sad thing about it not working out is that all 3 of these babies have been born so it would be awesome because it would give me the summer to spend with them with no daycare.   Last time I wrote I talked about one of them and she did not choose me.  Found that out last week.   I got a call twice today about two different babies, yes both calls were today.   So congratulations to me...I'm not match worthy....though honestly I can't really blame them.  I'm single and unfortunately most will choose a couple over a single person..  And yes I can see other reasons as well.
While KCSL does keep a minimum of active families usually around 10, there are always new families and that number doesn't seem to go down so I am always going to have the possibility of  never being chosen.  I wonder what happens if they can't ever find a match for me.   :-(  
I have now been actively in a process to adopt for 3yrs.  I started my classes for fostering (well foster to adopt) 3yrs ago this week.  I know a lot of people wait a while, but it's been so frustrating.   And since it's been several girls in a row- it probably will mean that the next 100 will not be.   lol.
So there is my update.  Not getting anywhere still.  Thanks though to everyone who has been supporting me along this ridiculous journey.
PS don't forget to use my link when you use amazon.   :-)

No baby yet...but Moving forward a little.

Originally I wasn't going to post any of this information as I don't want to get anyone excited-including myself.  However this blog is about the journey to creating my family and this is part of that road.  After an eternity of no communication and no hope from the adoption agency a couple things have happened.   As the adoption agency gets birth parents they show profiles to the birth parents to choose from- if they match the criteria between the two.   The birth parents can choose the family even if they want a closed adoption.  The only case where this might not happen is a birth mother who gives the child up at the hospital.   Most birth families are looking for two parent homes and I'm prepared to be not chosen, but when my profile is never shown to be turned down it looks hopeless.   The only criteria I had was that I decided I wanted a girl (hey I'm paying big time money for this kid and might as well) and that they are ok with a single parent home.   I also had put that major health issues might be an issue because I am single, but I'm not sure most of the time they would know that in advance.

Finally though two weeks ago I received an email about having my profile shown to a woman due in July.   At the same time there was discussion about another baby that was possibly going to be up for adoption that has already been born.  Though for awhile that seemed like she wasn't actually going to go up for adoption.  Today I received a call about having my profile shown to that mother as well, papers were signed by the dad and the mom is doing so on Monday.   So now my profile is being shown to two mothers.    While this is no guarantee of being chosen - there are 7 other active families whose profiles may be shown as well.  I do feel like I'm moving forward a little.  I'm trying not to get to excited or hopeful as I am single and that doesn't really work as a plus for me.  

There are pros and cons to both babies.  The July baby's mother has been into drugs so who knows how that will affect the baby, but it would be a newborn.  The other is healthy, but will be 3months next week and if I was chosen for that one it would totally ruin my trip (which I am totally willing to give up for a baby- sorry friend who I may not be able to see) as she could be given to the adoptive family next week.   At first I wasn't so sure about it as I've kind of had my heart set on a newborn and bringing baby home from the hospital, but a 3 month old still hasn't started all those firsts that I so badly want to be a part of....and it would give me all summer to bond.  

So don't get your hopes up, but please pray for me and that the right thing will work out.  Perhaps it is one of these babies and maybe it's not- maybe it's another one in the near future.   I can't wait to become a mommy, but I want what God wants for me.   It's worked out well that this didn't happen earlier than now with all that went on with my job.   But now is a good time and I'm hoping it will happen soon for me.   I'm a better person with kids around and I know I will be a good mother.   So we will see how this all plays out.  I'm still going on my trip, but am kind of hopeful that I will have to change everything.  We will see.

Update....I wish

Well I haven't written much on here because nothing has happened.   I wish it had.  The company I am using doesn't seem to be even having babies come through.
I want this to happen but I'm having  a harder time being patient.  It's especially hard when everyone is having babies and posts on Facebook and everywhere else seem to be about babies.  It's also extremely frustrating at the number of teen pregnancies I'm exposed to.
In the mean time I'm still trying to raise funds through various outlets.   So feel free to support any of those.
In other worlds school is coming to a close and I'm very happy to see the summer get here.  It's been a rough year and I'm ready for it to end.   I'm getting ready for a fantastic trip this summer that I can't wait for.  
This month marks a year since I've seen my nephews.  That's been extremely hard for me.  Not only do I miss them sooooo much, but I feel bad every time I'm with my parents.  They not only lost time with them, but I stopped foster care about the same time so they no longer have grand babies of any kind.gh
Speaking of which I'm strongly considering doing that again soon.  I miss having kids in the house.   Not that the two dogs and cat don't annoy me enough.  ha ha.   I don't know.  I'm thinking.  This is the most random blog post ever.

A New Baby

While I am waiting patiently for a new baby to be placed with me (ok patiently may be a bit exaggerated), I have become a new mother in a different kind of way.  Almost two weeks ago I brought Herbie home.

I know it makes you go aww.   He is adorable.  He is now 2 months old + a week.   And things have gone pretty well.  He is very independent and loves to play.  And the best part is he likes to sleep so I haven't lost any sleep from him coming home.   However potty training is going very slow- especially with another round of snow this past weekend.    It's just to cold for him outside.  I even got him a little sweater.   Him and my other dog are getting along pretty well so that makes me happy as well.  Sometimes they even sit close to each other.

So far they have both been fun.  I feel extremely bad though because this week I have been working another job and am not home much.  My 14hr days leave very little time to be at home.   Last week the daycare I've been working at asked me to work there for a couple weeks after school.   So far I've been left in the infant room so that's been a lot of fun.   Some days it's a lot of multi tasking with many fussy babies.   While I don't have many talents in life- I am very good with babies and even multiples around.   I can feed two babies at once and play and entertain another one at the same time.  And I am very good and understanding what they want and what their cries mean.   All of this is keeping me busy so I forget all the real problems in my life- so that's been nice.   It does make me wish I had my own child (especially with the job and all the pics on facebook)- but hopefully it will happen in time.  I would love to have twins I've decided.  :-)  I could do it.   Doubt me all you want.   Hopefully things will move along with the adoption process- but I'm not going to hold my breath.   For now I'm just going to enjoy my fur babies and try to make it through the rest of the school year.   And I'll just keep loving on the babies at the daycare.   

Another year comes and goes..and still no kids or life..

I really haven't been updating this blog much, because well not much is happening.   I have now been in the KCSL program for 6 months and not once has my profile been shown for adoption.  With each day I get more and more sure it's not going to happen.  And with each day as I get older- I feel like I'm getting closer to an age when I don't think it's right for a child to have me as a mother.  Please don't take that into offense if you are an older mother.  It is just something I never wanted to be (and by that I mean starting so late in the game)
February is always a little depressing for me...ok a lot.   It's my birthday and the numbers are starting to add up.  Most of the time I have no idea that I'm so old and then once a year I am reminded that the years are steadily piling on.  I'm 36 this year and while yes it could still be classified as semi young- I'm not truly that young anymore.    It's hard to believe that I finally made the decision to find other ways to start a family over 3yrs ago....and I'm really not anywhere with it.  It really brings me down- I think I'm a fantastic mom and yes there would be hard times as a single mom, but aren't there in a two parent home as well.  And honestly I've been around a lot of two parent homes and sometimes that is not the best situation either for some.  It also makes it so hard seeing all the people who are pregnant and all the babies on Facebook.  I'm happy for those people and babies are cute, but it stings a little.  It makes it harder to understand having any faith.
Kind of leads into my other hate of February--Valentines day.  I really think it's an overrated holiday anyway for commercialism- but it still is sad to again have no one to celebrate with.  I've never had anyone to celebrate with and in our society it's thrown in your face.  I had to go to the store for medication today (I have bronchitis to top off the month) and the store looks like valentines day puked all over it.  The world seems to be saying I'm sorry you a sad, lonely loser- let me remind you of it every single place you look.
Also all of my nephews have birthdays this month and their parents are still being difficult and I haven't seen them since April and I miss them so much.
Enough of my ranting and raving.   I still want to adopt, I still want a kid (s).   I have made the decision over the past 6 months that if I'm going this way - I want a girl....or twin girls or a girl/boy twin set.   I'm trying to keep hoping- some progress would be nice.  I do hope everyone has a Happy Valentines day.

Don't forget to shop Amazon through this link  http://tinyurl.com/l4hv9xm    I get a percentage.