The right thing to do is still sometimes very hard.

As you may or may not know, I had to make a very difficult decision a couple weeks ago.   I requested that the two boys in my care be removed.  Since visitations have restarted the older one has gone back into a lot of old behaviors that are a little to much for me and I believe this truly isn't the right placement for him.    However I do really like the boys and it is still a rough and hard decision.  Today I got the call that they will be leaving on Monday.   It's weird how much I didn't realize it hasn't sunk in yet.   Now it's hitting me pretty hard.    I will miss them a lot and I still struggle with the decision to have them moved.   It's a lot different from being told they are moving to me asking for a removal.  I feel guilty, overwhelmed, and like an epic failure.

I've been asked if they were going to be up for adoption if my decision would be different.  Honestly, yes it probably would have been.   But they aren't up for adoption nor will they be.  Unfortunately in our lovely system they will be dragged through foster care for a long time before they either are returned home or given to their grandmother.    I know they have both come so far and hopefully I have set up a better future for them with their next placement.   I just know with my schedule in the fall, the older one would not have survived well.  I hope the best for both of them and I will miss them just like I miss all my other previous placements.   How do you tell a 2 & 3yr old though that you love them, but they are going to go live somewhere else?

I hope that my decision to remove myself from the foster care system for awhile will prevail with this private adoption path (which is also part of why the boys would eventually have to be moved anyway).   I hope to someday continue fostering, but for my life currently it is not what I want.   Please keep me in your thoughts (and my poor parents who are very attached) as we say goodbye to these boys next week and keep them in your prayers/thoughts as they adjust to yet another change in their life.  I hope and pray they will find happiness and succeed in their new placement.