Bah Humbug!

No update on any possible adoption so I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on holidays, as it is that time of year.   Because of my foster care experience and at one point having nephews around for them I believe I can speak to this topic.
The difference between holidays with kids and without.
I used to love the holidays.  My family when we were growing up would always get together on every holiday.  Christmas Eve was always reserved for my mom's side.  But as we have all gotten older and the rest of the family has gotten married and had kids, it has become harder and harder to do any type of gathering.   I still get together with my parents and a brother but it's not the same.  
It's one thing to experience the holidays as a single person- it's extremely lonely.   Having experienced Christmas with kids and now no kids is even harder.

When you have kids you have someone to shop for- I spend lots of money on everyone else's children, but it's not the same.  You get to brighten someone's day and make them happy.  While I know all the kids I buy gifts for appreciate it- it is not the same.  With kids you make sure they have certain experiences - like seeing Santa, making cookies, crafts, helping wrap gifts, decorating the tree, going to see christmas lights.  I know it sometimes seems a little overwhelming when you have kids during the holidays....being single and no kids- I don't do any of these things.  I have no decorations up, making cookies seems like a waste of money, it would be weird if I went to see Santa, and I actually spend my time sitting alone on my couch at home most of break.  yes I go and see a movie or go out with a friend for awhile, but when it's over I'm back alone at home with my pets.

I can't wait for the day when I get to show a child how wonderful christmas time and holidays are again.    If that time ever comes.  I wish there was a way to ensure that will happen, but I'm less and less positive every day.

This isn't the life I wanted.  I wanted to be married and have kids and be a good teacher.   There is a little tiny part of me that still hopes that something will happen and hopefully next year I won't be alone for the holidays.    But more and more I'm realizing that life isn't going to change.  

So basically if you have kids, enjoy every frantic minute of the holidays.  

Turn down #9 or maybe #8

Well got the call.  The parents chose someone else.  Imagine that.  I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.  I want to be a mom so bad, but I've been in this process now for over 3yrs.  And each no hurts a little more.   I think it's time to just face up to my lonely life and accept it.  And yes this is currently a self pity party.
I do wish they hadn't lured me in and got me to pay so much money if they couldn't match a single person.

The Waiting Game

Sometimes I wish I had on off button to my brain or at least the power to make it un-focus on the one thing it tends to focus on.  Every time I'm told my profile is being shown to yet another birth mother...it takes over my every free thought.   All I can think about is that.   No matter how hard I try each time it just keeps on creeping right into my every thought.   And then I build up hope only to get it crushed each time.   Sometimes I try to stop thinking about it because --well maybe I'm causing it not to happen.  Or maybe if I don't spend every consuming moment it won't happen.  The struggle is real.  

Each time it comes to this wait time- the point from which they ask to show my profile and being told I wasn't chosen (always about a week of torture)- I start preplanning.  That's the way I am.  What will I do with my work, what do I need to go get.  How will I tell people?  And then I realize I've been turned down 8 times already...so the likely hood of this time happening is probably zero to none....So I start the process of bringing down my hope level so as not to fall so far.  It doesn't last long though before I'm thinking what if again.   I think this is the hardest part of the process for me, partially because it's happened so many times in the past year and because while I try not to let it get to me, each time is a huge disappointment and harder to take each time.   

Each time I'm told my profile is being shown I create a plan of action to happen the moment I'm told yes....I've got it worked out in my mind how to tell my parents, what and where to go to get things, how I'm going to make it work in the middle of a show or during a show and the excitement of this possibly happening finally for me.  And then the call or the email comes and I feel like I've come crashing down from the top of a mountain.

I really want this to happen.  I so badly want to be a mom.   I never thought I would be single and without kids, but this is the way life has turned out.   I have no problems being an adopted mom, but I really really want it to happen soon.  I'm not sure how many more times my heart can take being told "sorry you weren't chosen- the birth mother decided to go with a different couple".

So keep me in your thoughts as again my profile is shown...I sure hope it can happen this time.

Waiting....Waiting...

I guess I haven't really written on here for a long.  Mainly because absolutely nothing has happened.  I was not chosen a couple of times, I believe this week I'm going for number 9 of turn downs.

Last week my home study was updated and I met my new case worker.  I really liked her and she seemed to like me a lot.  She was very complimentary about all I've done and said she wants to get me a baby.  I told her how disappointing the last year has been.  We talked a lot about my experience with foster care.   I do feel like she has a better grip on children than my last case worker.  I also told her I chose KCSL because of the communication and since the last caseworker quit the communication has been lacking.  Hopefully it will increase.   

I have also tried to reach out to a maternity home in Wichita--only to be told I need to attend an informational meeting.  They are going to have another one in November - exactly when I can't go.  They basically work with birth mothers and then the adoption still goes through the agencies or a lawyer.   I told my caseworker about the place and thought it might be a good outreach for them.   I'm a little frustrated that the maternity home won't consider working with me now.  Their face book page said they still had 3 mothers with no matches (including a set of twins- which yes I still would gladly take)  I dropped off some clothes at this maternity place and talked to the lady who ran it, but it was a very brief conversation.  She did tell me KCSL had reached out to them in the past week so I guess I did influence that.   

So it's still a waiting game.  I'm now going on 3 1/2 years since I started the process to adopt.  And in the meantime everyone around me is pregnant or having babies... while they are adorable- it's a little sad for me.

Hopefully this will be my year---though I'm trying hard not to focus on it.  My job currently is keeping me very busy and I'm trying to focus on that.

When Life Doesn't Seem Worth it.

There has been zero contact from my adoption agency since the caseworker quit.  And because of my life, I'm thinking that 1. This is just a dream that won't happen, 2. maybe it shouldn't happen.  3.  Maybe I should make the decision to make it stop happening.

I am at a crossroads.  As many know I love my job.  I like working with the kids, I like creating the semi masterpieces we make, and this is where I planned on retiring.  i don't like big changes.  Especially changes where it may not work out.  Unfortunately my administration has made it very clear and continues to make it clear they no longer want me there.  I've been targeted, censured and harassed for the past year and an email today stating part of my job has been given to someone else,  it quite obvious they have no intentions of stopping this.  Which is sad and hard and heartbreaking.  I have done nothing wrong (granted like everyone I know I could always do better).  I even had excellent evaluations last year and yearly I increase my class size and my extracurricular numbers. It literally is tearing my heart to pieces- I follow rules, I'm the good girl, the one who always does right for everyone else (ok unless you are dumb and I just don't agree)...no seriously though I would always help someone else before myself if at all possible.   So it looks like I have less than nine months left at my job (less so if I could find another job that pays well enough to pay my bills- of which there are many)  I truly wish it were one of those times I was overthinking the problem, but it's not.
What is funny..is even as my work life has decreased in positive things, I still worry constantly about what will happen if suddenly they called with a baby.  I know I can't just drop my work life because it affects my students...but should I really even care since the job itself obviously doesn't care about me... (AND i'm not talking about my students- who oddly enough do like me and are a major positive in my life)  I work hard at my job and it does take a massive amount of my life, but I like it and I do as good a job as I can.  I want those kids to succeed and I know they count on me.

I'm scared.  I'm worried.  And I don't want to go, but I will have to.  And all of my current options in life leave me with a lot of questions...especially about adopting.
How much more do I have to be torn down before enough is enough?  How can I change the situation?  How do I find somewhere that can pay all my debts?
 If I have to get a different job will they let me adopt?  If I can't find a job- what happens to the adoption process?  I can't start that over, nor will I.   How in the heck am I going to afford the adoption with a different job, when I already struggle with debt now?  Maybe it's a sign I shouldn't continue.  Will I have to give up everything in my life I ever thought I wanted.   I've already given up on the husband and being loved.  Do I have to give up on my dream job and any family of my own?   It feels like life is screaming at me, "you have planned everything WRONG!"  Is there really a point to my life?  Is it really right of me- a person who's life is falling apart to actually be a mother to a child?   Wouldn't it be better not to put another living being into your problemed life?

I wish I could see in the future and see that everything was going to work out.  But that light at the end of the tunnel keeps moving further away...or there is something big blocking it.  So why am I writing this...for sympathy...not really. for encouragement..probably  To help others realize everyone has problem...sure.  I know things will get better....or at least I'm going to keep thinking that.

BTW I can't thank those of you who have listened to me vent and cry and be frustrated this last year enough.  Your support through this extremely difficult year has been truly appreciated.

PS- despite all my comments above please note I truly do love teaching kids and theatre (even the truly difficult kids) and though I sometimes am not sure I will ever be a mom, I am a good mom and will be awesome at it.  In fact they will be somewhat spoiled.  See the cute bed I got.....

And I got a Dr. Pepper- so that helps!  

Still Waiting

There really isn't much to report.    I have not been chosen a total of five times now, so I guess there is that.  My worker has also quit so that should be an interesting transition.   I however was told I'm the 2nd longest family waiting in the system because so many were adopted this past month.   So now I just need to wait till there is a baby that the parents don't want a say in where their child is going or to be chosen.  They had so many there for awhile I got very hopeful.
I also wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who has been using my Amazon link when they shop.  While it's a small percentage, every little penny helps.  Please keep using it and sharing it with others.
 If you are interested in donating to my adoption funds, please check out my GoFundMe page which is listed on the right side of this blog.  Feel free to share this as well.   It was very hard to set that up because I don't really like handouts (The amazon one doesn't seem that way), but I also know that adoption is very expensive and I'm not rich...sadly.
I hope everyone is enjoying the nice weather in the middle of July.   Keep thinking positive thoughts with me and hopefully sometime I will have awesome news.
Just for fun here is a cute picture from the zoo the other day.  I'm so sad the summer is almost over.

Third Time is not the Charm

So a little update on my adoption stuff.  I have come to the conclusion it isn't going to happen.   In the past two weeks I have had my profile shown 3 times.  And 3 times I have of course not been chosen.   (Technically I've gotten 4 calls to show my profile).  The sad thing about it not working out is that all 3 of these babies have been born so it would be awesome because it would give me the summer to spend with them with no daycare.   Last time I wrote I talked about one of them and she did not choose me.  Found that out last week.   I got a call twice today about two different babies, yes both calls were today.   So congratulations to me...I'm not match worthy....though honestly I can't really blame them.  I'm single and unfortunately most will choose a couple over a single person..  And yes I can see other reasons as well.
While KCSL does keep a minimum of active families usually around 10, there are always new families and that number doesn't seem to go down so I am always going to have the possibility of  never being chosen.  I wonder what happens if they can't ever find a match for me.   :-(  
I have now been actively in a process to adopt for 3yrs.  I started my classes for fostering (well foster to adopt) 3yrs ago this week.  I know a lot of people wait a while, but it's been so frustrating.   And since it's been several girls in a row- it probably will mean that the next 100 will not be.   lol.
So there is my update.  Not getting anywhere still.  Thanks though to everyone who has been supporting me along this ridiculous journey.
PS don't forget to use my link when you use amazon.   :-)