And here it is, the long awaited post. What I learned during my adventure into foster care.
Before I get started though please help me raise money to pay for a private adoption. If you use Amazon to shop, please go there through this link http://tinyurl.com/l4hv9xm It can also be found on the side of my blog. I earn 10% of what you spend. It doesn't affect your prices or anything- just allows me to earn some money. (and I'm very sorry but I will probably post this several times)
I learned A LOT during my last two years working with the foster care system, including more about the 'system', myself, and my support system.
1. Foster care in at least Kansas is horrible. Those poor kids are dragged through foster care for way longer than they should ever have to be. Decisions are never based on what is best for the child...EVER. And I'm pretty sure both sides (foster and bio families) would agree on this. Some kids are left in to long to never be returned to families, some are sent home to early, some should never have been in the system. Older kids in the system have been in the system for years because decision were not made and they got older and then less people wanted to take that age.
2. Communication is some of the worst I've ever seen. Foster parents aren't given information, bio families are left out, case workers don't share information, secrets abound. And TFI seems to be the worst company of all (this is with a lot of information from others both working with TFI and with other groups). TFI apparently can't read and would call me constantly for children I wasn't even licensed for. My FSW (Family social worker) always said she would do something and never did, best example is never actually finishing my adoption paperwork. They also don't fully finish their jobs. The little girl that left in December - they didn't check the Aunt's background correctly and they had a month from when they told me she would move. They also never return phone calls. I could go on for ever about this aspect, but lets not bore every one even more.
3. It's amazing what parents put their own children through. I have worked with children 0-4 for over 20 years. I can't believe how much a parent can screw up a child by age 2. It shocked me and scares me. I totally see now why some of my teenagers have so many issues. This was probably the most eye-opening thing during this experience. My last two 2yr olds were very damaged when they came to me. One was so empty- that child wouldn't interact or let you touch them and was so out of control and kid of crazy. I will say though it is also amazing how much difference love and patience can make in a child- neither of those kids left my house that way.
So now that we've covered all the bad stuff briefly - which I could easily expand on here is what I really learned about myself.
1. I can be a single parent. I took in two kids instead of the one I planned on caring for each time. While my life could be hectic and at times almost unbearable, I survived, the kids survived. I found I do follow all the things I always tell others or try my best (foster kids are a little different). I may not be the healthiest eater- but the kids always were given healthy foods and no pop. They all left loving fruits and vegetables. I survived having kids with my schedule. I learned I most certainly want to have a child. I did not waiver because it got tough or I couldn't go out with friends.
2. I have an amazing support system. I tend not to accept help or take support very well and sometimes I don't feel like it's there. I learned other wise during this adventure. My family - both immediate and extended- have been amazing. My first set they helped purchase some things I needed. My parents and brother have helped me out in more ways that I can ever thank them. Times did get tough and my family was always there. They all helped out during show weeks too, which is the one time in my life where having a child is very very difficult. My friends have been supportive as well. My co worker even stayed many nights while the students left rehearsal so I could get the kids home to bed. She has been a great support as well. I vent to these people and sometimes cry, as well as celebrate. The best thing about all these people is they not once treated my children as foster kids. They were part of the family. I can't wait till I have a child that can be permanent for them to love. (I'm sure they will be very spoiled). Oh and I should mention I have amazing students as well. They doted on and cared for the kids. I know my foster kids would not have advanced as much if it hadn't been for my high school students. 80 people ignoring tantrums sure does stop them faster than just one mom ignoring. :-)
3. I learned a lot about myself. I have learned my strengths and weaknesses. When I started answering these questions was difficult for me - but I was very sure of them doing my home study this week. I do have limits and I'm learning to accept them and to ask for help when I need it- very difficult but I'm asking. I learned how to use community resources like crazy. I used them and we needed to. I also learned how much I really wanted to start from birth. - those first two years are so important and I always knew that - but now I've seen it. I learned it may be slow, but I as a single parent could make a difference with help. Those kids advanced so much in the little time that they touched my life. I also learned I could hate myself an awful lot more than I ever had. At times I was so at my wits end and nothing seemed to be working and I was so frustrated with myself at not being able to control my own reactions when it got really rough - and it got really really rough at times. Of course that's also when I used my family to help. There were times things bothered me and I just couldn't believe I could be that person and the hate set in and the desperation that I couldn't help the kids or just didn't know what to do. I hated those times mostly because I didn't know how to help the kids. It was never their fault they were the way they were, but it sure was hard to deal with at times. On the flip side though I did also learn I can make it through that. Even if I have to post a list on my wall to help me remember that while we may not be moving forward fast we were taking small steps- and yes I did that with one child and they were very small improvements for awhile- but we were moving forward.
4. Consistency and structure are the keys to life. All my kids needed structure and consistency to survive and succeed. At times it sucked - because they had to learn the norm/boundaries before we could sway from it and sometimes I never got to that stage. Yes you want to give them candy and let them have their way some, but if they don't understand boundaries and proper expectations yet - you can't do it. By the way this was the hardest thing to convey to my parents = grandparents just want to spoil- understandable- but first the kids need to know what expectations and boundaries to live by. I am a mean mom. I didn't allow the kids to have pop or candy or give them different foods at supper just because they didn't want to try their food. If they couldn't stay at the table they didn't get to keep their food. I had to be the strict mom until they figured out what was proper behavior. That was hard. I alway felt like I was fixing kids and never getting to get to the stage where we could move away from that all the time. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. Most kids learn no and boundaries as they are growing up - the foster kids didn't have an understanding of any of this when they came.
5. I am a genius. ha ha. just joking. The most amazing part of this adventure- which I know is also a part of parenthood- was watching the kids learn and grow. To see the kids go from anti touch to cuddling and asking for hugs or wanting to hold hands. To see that you could take them places without them running off or breaking everything. To see the sparkle come back into their eyes. To see them laugh and smile and play. To read the books with them. Picking them up from daycare and them running to you and being excited to see you. To see them start asking for comfort when they were hurt or sad. To watch them start to advance in learning- alphabet, colors, behaviors. To know they could go in the other room and play without destroying toys, beds, or each other. To watch the siblings start to care for each other and interact as siblings - even the fighting as siblings. To watch kids who barely talked when they came to be singing and talking constantly before they left. Some could do the musical songs and dances as well as my high school kids. My biggest accomplishment is that all the kids came to me with 20 or less words and all left with massive vocabularies (actually in many cases surpassing their age in some cases). They were more confident when they left and more relaxed around new situations. They all went through stages they had missed very quickly and for the most part caught up to age appropriate behavior and educational levels (not that they won't still need support or have a little ways to go) Even the two I had for 2 short months dramatically changed. The youngest 1 yr old came on a bottle and wouldn't touch even baby food. I got him eating mostly solids within two months. We worked our way up through baby food and soft foods to eating real food. That child, a child who had a flat head because he was so neglected was even starting to walk when he left. Of course all of these changes weren't just me. I have a fabulous daycare and I love them= they are amazing, I have an awesome support system, and I'm sure being at the musicals and plays with high school students also played a large part of the improvements. Either way it was amazing to watch and be a part of.
So I could probably go on and on and on and continue to ramble but I'm stopping here. While I really got into foster care to adopt, I learned so much from doing it. I think it will make me an even better mother (and yes I am not perfect) and I'm confident in my decision to move forward to being a parent. I know now I can do it even with my schedule and being single. Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this adventure. Someday I may revisit it and continue foster care, but for now I am moving forward with the private adoption.
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