Baby J - Day 14- First sounds

 3 weeks 

2 lb 1 oz

I'm so happy to report I am back in Topeka for the majority of the rest of the summer and I'm very glad.   Baby J is on a Bubble CPAP machine which makes her face look a little odd but it's smaller and quieter and one less tube down her throat.

Here is her new machine.

The pink thing is her doll

She is also up to 11ml of food every 3 hrs and digesting it all.  I asked today when she gets to start bottles and they said not till after she was off her CPAP and they will not take her off of that until she is 1250grams.   However she does suck on things.  She has a pacifier- today she was on a little bit of a bigger one, but here is her first one

That's my pinky.

The EKG shows that her PDA has started to close on it's own.  YEA!!!   So now her two main problems are needing to gain weight and get stronger and her brain.   PLEASE pray that her brain heals itself.  It's actually been my biggest worry - she had fluid buildup but no extra bleeding when they checked it earlier in the week- so the fluid buildup needs to be soaked up in the proper places.   I know her weight will come.   She's been through a lot and now can start working on that.  

While sitting and reading today I suddenly heard a little noise from her isolate and thought I was hearing things.  It didn't click that the tube was out so she could make noise.   The nurse assured me that I would probably hear her loud and strong cry before I left (I did not) but she did make lots of noises and did semi cry as she wanted something.    That was awesome to hear.   SO the new thing today was hearing baby girl make noise and cry.   

I also held her for 90min.   She held her body heat (well covered with lots of blankets).  She likes to hold my finger. Oh and they are stopping her lipids (fats) that she has been getting via IV.  They think she is getting enough from her feedings - this does surprise me a little since she hasn't put on much weight lately.    

Today I got to see her with open eyes for a little bit as well since she is no longer under the bilirubin lights.   Tomorrow I go again to try to get a SS#.  Hopefully we have all the paperwork we need this time.    

Tiny Fingers

Here are some more pics.   Thanks for keeping up with our story.

Holding baby girl

Little itty bitty toes

Baby J - Day 12- No More Ventilator

Called today to check on Baby J.  She is no longer on ventilators!!!!  They moved her to a bubble CPAP yesterday and she's doing well.  Blood gases have stayed good and she's only using 21% oxygen -room level oxygen- so this means she is breathing all on her own.  The CPAP keeps her lungs open so they don't collapse- it does't breath for her.   She also is now getting 5ml of food every 3hrs and will be increased to 7ml tomorrow if she continues doing well.   They had to redo her EKG yesterday- I'm sure she was very unhappy about that.   I can't wait for Sunday when I go back and see her.   I'm so happy she's doing so well.   Not much else to report on Baby J today- but wanted to update that.

Spent the week with my nephews and loved every minute, but I'm anxious to get back to see Baby J.

In other news I don't think my house will ever sell.  It's not exactly a perfect house and needs some work.  I'm going to go check out carpet prices tomorrow even though I really wanted to try to sell the house as is.  Oh well.   Hope all is well with everyone else.  Thanks for keeping us in your prayers.

Baby J- Day 10- Awesome Day!

2weeks 3 days old.
Weight 2 lbs 1 oz - she has lost weight- but again she had a LOT of urine this weekend - including peeing through her bed on Saturday and Sunday so I think the weight loss is all water weight and could be due to the meds she is on.

It's a long post, but well worth the read.

Today my family and I went to Topeka to see baby Josephine.   My parents took my nephews (who I'm having so much fun seeing this week) to a local Children's museum type place and I went to do baby stuff.  First I met the KCSL people at the Social Security office.  it has been interesting trying to get Baby J a birth certificate and social security number.  We are trying to get her SSI so she qualifies for medicaid  She qualifies for SSI automatically because of her low birth weight.   It's been a complete mess.  They finally got a birth certificate and we thought we were going to get a SS # today.   We did not.  We are going on Monday when I'm back up there.   Such a mess.

However I then went to the hospital.   And so much has changed.  The first thing I noticed when I walked in is a different Ventilator

May not seem like a big deal- still a ventilator- but it's a big step down.  I was told that this morning Baby J basically made it very clear she was done with the other one.    The other one was breathing more for her and kind of made her vibrate.  They are working her off this one as well and they think if things keep going the way they are that she will be off ventilators by Friday.  The next step will be a CPAP (probably a bubble CPAP) which is just like what some adults use at night basically.   It will keep her lungs open so they can't collapse, but she will be breathing on her own really.   She is already down to room oxygen level which is 21%.   I guess she really isn't showing any signs of Apnea (when they stop breathing for a several seconds)  or Bradycardia (dropping of heart rate- happens with apnea) which is AWESOME.  Most premature babies this young are almost guarantee to have those, but she hasn't which is why she will probably get the bubble CPAP and not another kind.   I was so excited to see the other ventilator sitting in the corner and hopefully we can take it away and not have to go back to it.  She was on this ventilator before I met her and she just wasn't able to keep up.

Baby J's X-rays are also looking a lot better and improving everyday!!  They are also not really pulling up any new blood when they suction her, in fact they are getting less of everything now.

Sunday they increased Baby J's feedings to every 6 hrs and also went from 2ml to 4ml.  Today she is up to 5ml every 6 hrs.   She is still being fed through a tube, but that's ok.   If she continues to do ok with this amount they will increase it again on Thursday.

Today she was on her stomach when I got there and when they were getting ready to move her she almost rolled herself over twice.   While this was hilarious she is still connected to tubes in her mouth so it would have hurt her and not been very fun...though it was funny watching the nurse the 2nd time as the bed was open.   Oops.

Today she had an EKG to check her heart and the PDA again.  Keep your fingers crossed it went ahead and closed itself up.   Remember they only were able to give her one dose of the meds they could give her because of breeding on the brain.  I should find out more about that when I call tomorrow.

Monday the doctors looked at her brain.   Not all good news but not all bad news.  It appeared like the bleeds had not continued or spread any further  which is awesome news.   However they feel like they are breaking down and creating clots that are causing the cerebrospinal fluid  to get clogged.  This is causing her ventricles to grow.  Worst case scenario is they will have to shunt her brain to drain it.  They are going to continue to look at it weekly.  It's a wait and see game again.  What does this mean in the long run...who knows.  Lots of preemies still walk away from it unscathed.   But if it gets worse or it doesn't release the pressure and become unblocked it could be a cause of Cerebral Palsy which really could just mean some joint problems.   But Josephine is a fighter (literally at some points) and I'm hoping for the best.   Keep praying for her cause that seems to be helping tremendously.

SOOOOOOO the best part about today was a complete surprise to me.  I didn't think this would happen for another couple weeks and even at first was told it might happen towards the end of the week, but they decided Baby J was doing really well and I got to hold my baby for the first time.

 (please ignore the bra.)

I even held her for almost an hour.  Everything you read says you may only get to hold them for 10 min the first time.  The only reason they put her back in her bed was for the EKG.  She is so little and light.   But YEA.  And she did so well.  And now I wish I will be there before this weekend, but hopefully there will be many more leaps and bounds.

I also got her little outfits in today.

Those are sitting on my iPad if that helps imagine the size.

When I left, poor Baby J had just finished her EKG which was longer than expected and she was not happy.  She was moving all over the place and if she could make sound she would have been screaming.  You could tell she was crying.   Poor baby.  Oh the other plus to her improving is when they do 'torture' her she is receiving so much faster with her stats.  

So thank you everyone for your prayers.  They are working.  I know there will still probably be setbacks as there are with all preemies, but right now I'm enjoying our accomplishments.  Please continue to pray for Baby J because even though we appear to be moving in leaps and bounds, we are only moving forward.   She still has a long way to go.  Thanks for all you support.   Here is another bonus photo.

BABY J - Day 7- Moving up!

Look at all that hair.

Baby J.  2 weeks old today

Weight 2lbs 2oz 

Yea for the first time, mostly good news today.   My brother and I drove up for the day to spend time with Baby J.   Yesterday they started Baby J on steroids (again I know not always the best thing- but it was a necessity at this point) and already things are improving. She is down to the 20's most of the time in percent of oxygen supplement.  The ventilator is being slowly worked down to where they can move her off of this one.   She also seems more comfortable.  She relaxes faster after being moved around or messed with and her stats recover much more rapidly than they were.   Her blood gases came back better today and her X-ray's even looked pretty good today.  She is also handling the upping of her feedings which are all still being done through a tube that leads to her stomach, but the residuals from it show that she is digesting it pretty well.   Now she is being given 4ml every 6 hrs.    They even stopped her IV fluids for a little bit today to help bring down some numbers from that and she is producing very full diapers (even peed through most of her bed yesterday).  The nurse thought she was finally getting about done with passing her merconion (SP?) so they will send that off to double check for drug use by her birth mom.   Oh and they are getting less blood when they suction her out- in fact very little.

Please keep her in your prayers tomorrow as they are scheduled to do another brain scan and I'm hoping her brain bleeds resolved themselves.  This is an aspect of all of this that I'm very worried about.   

Please continue to share our fundraising site.  I would still very much like to have enough to cover the Ronald McDonald house during my stays while she is so far away.   

Rearranging Baby J.

Baby J- Day 6- Away from baby

Today I was not with Baby J.   And it affected it more than I thought it would already.   I left home without the numbers to call as I plan on going tomorrow to the hospital and knew there wouldn't be anything to report.  This was a mistake.  I wondered about her all day- thankfully got the number and called.    It bothered me way more than I expected.   I also had to much time to think and was around lots of people today and their families, which then of course sent me reeling into the what the heck am I doing....is this really what's best for her.   don't worry after some stern words from my father and getting over that, I know that this wouldn't be happening if it wasn't meant to be.    It just seems weird to think I have this little girl I'm now tied to that is in the hospital while I'm out doing other things.

The only update i have today is that they did start the steroids.  Her blood gases came back not as good again today and they had to take the machine back up.    However, her additional oxygen was down to 26% when I called tonight and that's the lowest it's been all week.  Hopefully the steroids will kick in and help improve Baby J's lungs.  Maybe I will see a little bit of improvement tomorrow when I'm there.  

Oh I did order online a couple outfits for Baby J.  I'm not sure when she will be able to wear clothes as she's still under the blue lights, but I thought it would be cool to have small enough clothes to someday show her the size she was.    And I'm sure soon she will be able to wear something.  All the clothes (a whole two outfits) are made for NICU.

Baby J. Day 5

Chilling out in the blue light- today she was very happy and calm on her tummy. (sorry I know it's not a very good pic)

Not a lot to update today.   Today though she had an X-ray that came back looking better than it has.  Poor Baby J has had a lot of bleeding in her lungs possibly caused by a PDA which they can't really do much about.  However when they were suctioning her today she did have less blood coming up with it.

Also her blood gases remain are better than yesterday which is awesome.   Her blood gas results and oxygen needs are part of what goes into deciding when to take her off the ventilator she is on now and taking her down a notch.   This weekend they will probably start her on a steroid treatment to help speed up her lungs.  Yes steroids come with possible long term effects (many of which she is already at risk for), but they out way the risks of continuing to be on this ventilator.    They really wanted to wait till she was about 2 weeks old which will be on Sunday.

The big movement forward is that today the doctor moved her feedings from every 12 hours to every 6 hrs.  She is only getting 2ml a feeding so it's not much - most of her nutrition is coming from liquid stuff.   That should help her grow even more.

I stayed at the hospital most of today but had to come back to the Wichita area (baby J is 2hrs away from me.)  I do feel guilty but I also know that it's going to happen some and it happens with all babies.    I am going back on Sunday but have things happening around here.   Hopefully I will have awesome or great news to report on Sunday evening.

Thanks for keeping up to date on us and sharing our story.   Hopefully now that she is growing and getting older we will start to see some improvements.  She's a very sick little girl as the doctor said so she has a ways to go.

Baby J Day 4

This will be a quick post as apparently sitting in a hospital room is exhausting.  

Baby J's blood gases came down this evening, but when she was moved around she had a hard time receiving.  That was not fun to watch.  They had to up her oxygen ALOT.   She was more settled when I left.  It was a pretty uneventful day.  I met one of the doctors who said their big concern at this moment was trying to get her off the ventilator she is on and that they had to up it last night.  It can do permanent damage, but she still needs it because her lungs are very sick.  She also had to be put back under the blue light which isn't to big of a deal.

We are also having issues of getting her on insurance and getting a SS# but there are people working on it.

Frustrating event.  Unlike what you hear about touch and talk to baby.  At this stage when they are so tiny and sick- that's not allowed.   The only time I get interaction with Baby J is when her temperature and diaper is changed so if I'm lucky and stick around all day there might be two opportunities.  Tonight the night nurse didn't let me change the diaper she did it.  I was kind of disappointed.  Especially since bonding is a little harder for baby,  she has this rag doll I hold to scent for her...but my scent doesn't mean anything to her.   :-(

On another quick note.  Even as short as 3 months ago, I was in a very dark place.  I had a boss who was psychotic and taking it out on me, I was having my world ripped apart by decisions he was making, and nothing and no one seemed good to me.   I was losing faith in everything around me, including the human race.   In the past few days I have been totally proven wrong on that.   I never expected or planned to accept a premature baby - in fact I specifically had it in my file to not even ask me about babies who will probably have long term problems - if known- because I didn't feel I was the right choice for those babies.   But for whatever reason Baby J and I seemed pulled together and yes it comes with unexpected costs and feelings and everything else.   The outpouring of prayers and help that I'm receiving not only restores a lot of faith I'd lost, but I am so grateful.  It is extremely hard for me to ask for help or even prayers.   I can't thank you all enough for being such an awesome support and showing your love and Baby J is very thankful too.  I'm not sure where this will lead or how it will turn out, but I am truly grateful for everything.

Chilling out under the blue light...note she's sprawled out.

aww.  Don't get to see those eyes much cause they are covered to protect them.

She really liked this position and remained calm most of the day!

Baby J's Journey Day 3

Taken while changing bedding/blankets

Today I drove back up to the hospital.  It is 135 miles away from my house, which means I will not be doing any day trips by myself.
Baby J hasn't changed much since yesterday.   Good news though- this evening she weighed in at a whopping 2 lb 3 oz!!!!  Earlier today I was told that she weighed 2 lb 2.6oz last night but they thought a lot of that gain was fluids - they had to give her platelets last night to see if they could stop the bleeding in her lungs.    So Baby J actually does weigh over 2 lbs.  YEA!!
Her oxygen percent she was given today stayed mostly in the 40's and sometimes they were able to lower it as low as 36.   When I left it was back to the 50's but they also had messed with her a lot.   This is down from 78 yesterday morning.   Today I also changed her diaper once.   I got there kind of late in the day.

Setbacks though include bad gas blood tests this evening and afternoon which resulted in upping the ventilator's work and lessening Baby J's.  And her blood sugar really jumped at one point.   Baby J is currently in an incubator or isolate that is almost always covered in a blanket.    This helps keep it more like she is still in a womb and to block out bright lights and some sound.  They also are able to keep humidity high to keep her skin soft.

 

Baby J was a little less active today...which might have been a sign of what the tests showed.  The blood gases were a little better this evening but still not good.   But she still moved a lot later and untucked herself.

Tonight when I left they were turning her on her tummy for awhile.  

Today was my introduction to Ronald McDonald house.  You have to have a referral to stay here and have a background check.  However so far mega impressed.  It's a beautiful 1910 house and has several rooms with private bathrooms.   Here is mine for now.

Each room has 2 twin beds.   There is a fully stocked (and I mean actually stocked with food) that has 2 stoves, a dining room with several tables, a playroom in the basement, a laundry facility....and more.   There is space in one fridge and cabinets that we can have our own food just for us, but they keep the kitchen and cabinets stocked with food that we can have at anytime.  They also have people come in and make meals at different times- tonight someone came and grilled and I grabbed two of the hamburgers and ate them from the fridge before retiring.  All of this is $25 a night for the family to stay.    It really is a home away from a home.  It's amazing and later down the road when I have millions and have paid off all of this, moving, bills, etc.   Or at least when I can afford to give money, I think I've now found the charity I want to support.   If a family can't afford the $25 they are not required to pay that much.  I hope that I can find a way to pay that during the long amount of time I will be here.    I will check out this week, but then return on a very long basis at the end of next week.  I never ever thought I would be a person who needed or used a Ronald McDonald house---but I am so very happy this is an option.  It's much less stuffy than a hotel and way easier on my budget

(Feel free to give to my you caring sight on the sidebar to help out with paying some of these bills)

And tonight I got a text to schedule a viewing of my house!!!  Everyone think really hard and pray that someone buys it cause Wichita would be much easier to drive up here from than Newton.   Actually keep your prayers on Baby J...she really needs them.   Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.    I hope over the next few days things will really start to improve.   Today she is 1 week and 3 days.  She has surpassed her birth weight and is over 2 lbs so I know that at least in some areas we are moving forward.   

Day 2 Questions and Answers

Hello all.  Today was day 2 of getting to know Baby J.  I got to talk to the nurse practitioner, the social worker, and the nurse.   Baby J is really not improving or getting worse but is staying the status quo right now...which is still good.   She did start the day out with an oxygen level of 78 being given to her and when I left it was down to a 54 (it had gotten down to a 50) and she was was keeping her level up pretty well.   Today I took her temperature and helped with a diaper change.  I can only touch Baby J when they are doing all of their checkups because they are trying to keep her calm and she gets easily agitated.   This morning they took the lines that were in her navel out and gave her a pic line in each hand - so now she can't hold my hand so I'm glad we got to go last night.   She has some attitude already just like me so that's awesome.  The nurse was trying to suction her mouth out and Baby J clamped her mouth shut.   I was so excited to see that.   Basically we are at a wait and see stage and will continue to just monitor.  Things that we are currently trying to overcome are all typical for preemies so I'm still very hopeful.

• Lots of respiratory problems.  Currently she is on the most advanced ventilator but is on the lowest settings and is being given oxygen.  Yesterday her lung had collapsed and so she is unable to completely breath on her own.  Both of these interventions are helping her to not have to work so hard and to continue to heal and grow.
• Intraventricular Hemorrhage (IVH)brain bleeds- she does has one that is concerning, but still not the highest problem.  She has had a stage 1 and 2 bleed and a bilateral stage 3 bleed.  There really isn't anything they can do at this point but wait it out.  And there is no way to tell the long term effect.
• Patent Ductus Arteriosus (PDA) is a hole in her heart that hasn't closed up and they gave her one round of the medicine, but because they found the brain bleeds they decided not to do the other rounds yet.  This could require surgery down the road as it also is the cause of a heart murmur..but could still fix itself.

So I'd like to answer a couple of questions that people have asked and try to answer some.

What do I know about her parents or birth?
I don't know anything about her parents really or the birth.  She was actually flown in to this hospital and it seems all medical records prior to that don't exist.   They are still trying to figure out some of it.  It is a closed adoption.

When does the adoption actually take place?   Currently I am only the semi guardian of Baby J.  Adoption can't take place for a certain amount of days in Kansas and it will not be taking place until after she is released from the hospital (which will be at least 13 weeks away for that step)  But she is my daughter now and my responsibility.  She is currently classified as placed with me.

How in the world am I going to pay for all of this?   Well luckily she qualifies for SSI and Medicaid (or rather should- we had some issues today with birth certificates and SS #)  So I will not be paying for this initial stay.

 Did I know about all of these problems when I committed to this?  Yes.  Well the brain bleeds were new the day we went up, but I knew before I signed the Adoption Placement Agreement.

Why would I choose to put myself in this situation- did I do it out of desperation for a baby?  NO.   I know that it is strange, but a lot of things led to this kind of meant to be thing and while yes a perfectly healthy baby would be fantastic there is no guarantee of any baby coming as healthy especially since many of the birth mothers aren't seeking proper medical care.  This baby has just as much chance to survive and do wonderful in life as the next.    Also she needs someone there and I felt like it was meant to be me.

Am I crazy....sick baby, new job, selling and buying a house all at the same time?  Probably - yes I probably am

Am I going to be able to handle all of this?  NO probably not.   No I hope I can.  Please don't tell me how crazy I am or how this is all to much.  Just support me in this.

Doesn't she have a chance of not surviving or being majorly handicapped?  Yes and stop focusing on that as I am positive she will be great!  She is a fighter and will be ok.

Do I feel guilty about not being near her? Yes I do already which I see as a sign of already having a connection.  However there is nothing I can do to change that.  She is over 2hrs away and I need to just accept and not dwell on the fact that I'm not there.   She really isn't supposed to have stimulation right now so she can rest and build herself up so it's ok.   She also has this little 'doll' that I hold onto while there and when I'm not there is is in her bed with her so she gets used to it and feels like I'm there.

Why am I making all of this public, especially since legally she isn't adopted yet?    Well because she is a sick little girl and she needs all the prayers and thoughts she can get.  Please don't think for a second it has anything to do with me and adopting a premature baby.  I want my daughter to get better and for all the people to pray for her.  It's also a way to keep my friends and family up to date, especially since i will be away so much to be with her.

How can others help me?   Prayer, good thoughts, continue to use my Amazon link on the sidebar, consider giving funds to my youcaring.com site- both found on the sidebar of this (feel free to share those links as well).   Sadly all of this is expensive- the adoption, the gas to see her, the rooming fees, the medical bills down the road.     But mostly just prayers are appreciated at this time.

If you have questions ask.  I know it seems crazy and it all happened so fast and there is a lot going on in my life, but I feel like I've been led here and this is right.   And already I care very much for Baby J and am hoping that each day we see some improvement- no matter how slight.   Thank you for all your support and love!
PS The blogs won't be this long most of the time.  :-)

This picture is after we got the lines out of her navel and moved up to her hands.

Look her eyes are open.  She usually has wrapping over them.

The nurse is holding her legs to keep her contained.  She doesn't really like her legs bunched up.

Introducing Baby J

Well it's official, this blog is no longer about my journey to finding my daughter.  Today I met her and so now this blog will be about Baby J's Journey.  After many more phone calls and some massive thinking and almost backing out, tonight I met her.  As I put in an earlier blog on Friday I said I was interested.  At the time Baby J was doing really well except for a sac in her lung had collapsed.   However today I found out things had gone badly over the weekend.  She had developed more complications and so therefore I almost changed my mind.  She is unfortunately over 2 hrs away from me and up until today- that was really the only thing that made me pause and thing about this.   I decided to move forward.

Today I received a call that the Birth parents signed papers and was informed I could sign my APA adoption placement agreement today.   So I finished some things and headed the 2 hr drive to the hospital.  At 6:30pm I signed my APA and headed to meet my little girl for the first time.

So lets go back.  Baby J. was born June 7 at 2:18am.  She was a mere 1 Lb 15 oz and 14 1/2 inches long.  They flew Baby J to the nearest hospital with a NICU that was capable of taking care of her.  Her parents decided that they could not take care of her and chose to put her up for adoption.   In her first few days she had 2 pulmonary bleeds that they thought were fixed by transfusions and had severe respiratory problems (which is expected for one so little).   While they should be able to tell what gestational age by how this pregnancy supposedly occurred, they are not sure.  They believe she was born at 27 weeks.   So much better than the 25 weeks I was originally told.   By Thursday they had already backed off the ventilator, but on Friday a sac in her lungs collapsed.   Still not surprising.   It looked as if she was actually doing really well.   Friday is when I had decided to move forward with the match.

Today I got a call that said over the weekend she had developed another pulmonary bleed caused by PDA which also causes a heart murmur.  The PDA is basically a hole that hasn't closed.   The heart murmur can't be fixed till she gets older and more stable.   Her left lung also collapsed over the weekend.   The real surprise was that she started to have some bleeding on the brain.  This freaked me out and almost made me change my mind. (and it probably should have.)  

Fast forward to after the papers are signed.  We went up (my parents came with me) and went to the NICU.   After doing the paper work to go into the NICU and having  our tempature taken and a few rules thrown at us, we went to her room.   As we walked in after diligently washing out hands, we were met by her day nurse.   The bed was still covered.  The nurse opened the cover and there she was.  Kicking her feet and sucking on a tube.

This teeny tiny baby was moving her legs and arms around.  She was so much bigger than I expected.     And way more active.   The nurse started to tell us about her bed and all the equipment.  She is in a special bed to keep her warm and calm.  She has also been moved up to the most high tech ventilator to help her breath so she doesn't have to work so hard.   

We had a lot of information given to us this evening, but I was so surprised.  Here was this tiny baby who is very sick, but she moves around way more than I ever thought she would.  While they changed and checked her, I got to touch her.  Her movements calmed and she held my finger, almost as if she was telling me she knew I was there for her.  during this they took off the bandages on her eyes to replace (they are helping her eyes develop by keeping out harsh lights) and we were able to take pictures.   She even opened her eyes and looked around.  Tomorrow I can start helping with tempature taking and diaper changing.  Tonight she was actually past her birth weight.  She weighed in at 1 lb 15.8 oz.   So not way past, but hey she is only a week old on very limited nutrition.   

There isn't a moment that goes by that I wonder if this is the right decision for her and myself....but when I saw her I was more confident that it is.  I know there are a lot of things people want to know but for now, I am just asking for prayers for Baby J.    I'm so happy to finally be a parent and hope that everything will go well.  here are a few of her pictures.   She is under a blue light sometimes so you might find a pic that is blue.

First Picture!  She has a blue light to help with Jaundice and development.

Baby J really likes to kick her legs.  They can't keep her curled up. 

Such little fingers, but she liked to curl them around mine.

A complete picture of Baby J.    

Apparently Baby J was flown to this hospital after she was born!

Speeding Train Ride!

Things can change so fast in life.  New job, looking for a new house in a different town, and my house is up on the market.   And the domino effects keep going.   It's amazing that two months ago I was in the darkest place I've ever been, with very little light coming in.  In fact I was so desperately searching for any light to lead me out.  When things go dark, I almost always am aware that it's a phase and it will pass, but with everything that was going on it was much more difficult this time.
But I must have blindingly stepped onto the fast train out of there.  My house is mostly packed (of course now I need things and look for things that are deep in a storage shed) and on the market, house looking commences and so does planning for next year.  I must not have thought this was enough.

(I actually wrote this on Friday June 12)

Yesterday I committed to something I'm sure will reap lots of critical comments and wonder.   And yes I know how crazy I am and there isn't a moment that goes by where I'm pretty sure someone should come whisk me off to the nearest psych ward.   God apparently feels I can handle this and it kind of feels like fate and it's meant to be.  On Tuesday of this next week I will hopefully be meeting my daughter.  I am over excited and praying that this may not have been the stupidest decision ever.   I mean I am starting a new job and won't be able to take off the first part of the year.  And that's where this decision may come as a surprise to everyone.

Yes it's a huge celebration and I'm more than overly excited, but there are some things about this I never expected to find myself in.   See baby J is already born (this week in fact), but she won't be coming home with me.  In fact I don't get to bring her home till probably about September.  Baby J was born at 27weeks at 1 lb 15oz.  She seems to be doing really well from the information we have been given and I know it's crazy, but it really does seem to be meant to be.  So far her main problems (other than being so small) is respiratory which is to be expected.

I could be committed to any baby and there could be complications.   And there is so much unexpected about where this could go and how I'm going to make this work with a new job.  Yes I have thought about all of these things.  This decision was not made  hastily or out of desperation.  I promise.  Actually the biggest concern for me was that she is 2.5hrs away from me and that is a lot to deal with when she's in the hospital and really was almost a deal breaker...but I really feel that maybe she was meant to be my daughter.   I have the most awesome family and friends and there were several that were in on this decision because I know that there is no way I could have done this without commitment from them as well.  Baby J will need more attention, especially this first year and it will be a rough start with me in a new job.  She won't be able to attend a regular daycare for a long time and will probably be in and out of hospitals for awhile (though I'm praying that she keeps fighting and is a strong little one that will be healthy).   They all said go for it.

And so on Tuesday I meet my daughter and I am extremely nervous and excited and scared and happy.  This blog will slowly change into my life as a family with a premature baby and no longer the desperate blog of a stupid single woman trying to adopt a baby.   Nope it will now be one about a stupid single woman with a baby.  Ha ha.    Please keep baby J and her doctors and nurses in your prayers.  And please keep using my amazon link (yep I still have to pay the bazillions of dollars for the adoption stuff).   Hopefully next week I will have more information.