Anger can not describe how I feel

Last night I received a call from R & G's worker stating the boys would be moved in 14 days to a family member that has come forward and passed all the background checks,etc.   Again it was a complete surprise and completely upsets me for several reasons (and just to clarify if they were going home it would be different)
First of all...just last week the Social worker said to me yes it would probably be long term and we discussed all the meetings that we had coming up for the boys.  I even discussed a trip to Colorado.   In my conversation with her I also told her I hoped they made sure mom was really ready when they do go home, because I'm not sure R would survive another move.   Not once did she say or even hint to the idea that they were looking at someone else to move them too.
Secondly...R & G have made huge strides with me and I'm not sure why they would want to break that at this point.  R is more social and is really doing well with emotions and handling things better.  We are even in the middle of potty training, which I now feel like is a waste of my time.    G is eating food finally and so close to walking.  He's happy most of the time and doesn't hit his head on the floor as much.  We have been working with the early ed here to get him on a plan with them and now all of it will go to waste.  
Thirdly why can't they be professional and let me know that they are looking at someone earlier.   It makes me feel incompatent and upsets me beyond believe.   Is there something I'm saying at the meetings with the social worker?   Is there something wrong with my house?  Did the boys say something?   I did ask if R was abused and last time this happened I asked if H was a drug baby.   Maybe I'm not really supposed to be an advocate for the kids, nothing else is like what they tell you.  
  Oh and did I mention the kids haven't even gotten to see their mom because of missed/not passed UA's.  (Drug tests)  Hey lets move the kids closer so they can't see her while they are there.   As one can tell I am very upset over this and angry.   I'm angry that she didn't tell me sooner of the possibility and that it's happening at all.   I want better information.

A rough week

This past week has been rough.  G fell sick with massive ear infections and had to be picked up from daycare two days in a row and then I kept him home for a day.  Thankfully my work is semi flexible and I am able to get a sub.  Then my mother is in the hospital for heart problems.  G and I went to visit her when I kept him home.   Hopefully she will be getting out today.   R fell on Friday and busted a tooth and had to have it pulled yesterday.  That was an experience I would prefer not to do again.   Overall he is handling it well, but the actual pulling yesterday was horrible.   We are also trying hard to potty train R and have removed the use of pullups during the day (I don't think he can tell when he is wet) and though several outfits are gone through, at least he is starting to recognize when he goes.   G yesterday stood for a few seconds at a time and I think he will be walking very soon.  He loves walking and is just working on that balance.
The bad thing is through all of this i forgot to get my car tags renewed and now they are late and the whole state is shut down for a week.  Yippee.  Got to love my life currently.   The best thing is there are only 17 more days left of school.  YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I so need a break from school/teaching.   

Easter 2012

I realize this is several days later, but I must say I loved Easter weekend.  Took the boys to the zoo and my parents came along.   We even rode the boat there.  It was fabulous weather.  I must also mention that it was a four day weekend for me, which yes even though not long after spring break, I truly needed it.   Spring break is so much show stuff for me and trying to get caught up that it's not usually very relaxing.   Friday I got out my camera and went to take maternity and family pictures for my friend.   I haven't really taken pics for awhile and I really enjoyed it.  Then Saturday the zoo and Sunday our family gathering.
I'm not sure either boy understood what Easter was, but by the end they had a lot of fun.  R played with my cousin's girl and they had a lot of fun.   We hid eggs and looked for them.  I really like family gatherings and enjoy seeing all my family. It was nice to hear my family say how much both boys have changed.   Sometimes I don't see it since I'm see them daily.  R can still be extremely bipolar going from extreme mood to the other very quickly.   He has done that the last two days and it seems like there is nothing causing it, though I'm sure there is. 
Today is visit with mom.   I'm not sure how I feel about this except it's annoying because she always sends things back with them.  Last week it was baskets of candy....lots of candy.  G isn't even eating regular food and hot tamales for a 3yr old.   Really....Those caused a huge fight also.   And all she feeds them is McDonald's and sweets.  Very difficult when I'm trying to get R to eat better and G to eat period.  G is starting to eat finally non baby food.  He ate half of a grilled cheese at a restaurant the other day. I was amazed.  Unfortunately he is picky and won't even try most foods.  I'm finding though if he gets to hungry he won't eat anything and just throws fits.    Both boys are improving though and I'm happy about that.  G started yesterday with his first appointment with the Infant Child Development (IFD) in town and we are going to get that started.  I'm very worried that his legs aren't straight.   I'm looking forward to a weekend where we don't have anything planned.  Maybe I'll get some laundry done.  :-)

ONE MONTH

Yesterday marked a month of the boys being in my house.   Although there are still some problems I've seen some great improvements in the past month.  Baby G is eating baby food, some solid snacky baby food, and is cutting back on formula.  He plays a lot more, throws less fits, and loves to walk - though he still can't on his own (balancing is still hard).   He even has 3 words now - hi, bye, and kitty (even waves).   He laughs a lot more and is a cutie.   He had RSV last week but has almost completely recovered.  yea!   Though he did get me sick and I'm not recoving so well.

R has improved a bunch.   He talks all the time, throws very few no fits, plays with other people, leaves the room where i'm at and is starting to do a lot of things for himself.  I've even seen improvement in his speech already.  He's started eating more food that's put in front of him and is playing with brother more.   And last friday we stopped screaming and crying when he was dropped off at daycare.  Today he went with a different blanket....yippee.  Thankfully both boys sleep pretty well and even go to bed at a decent hour when we aren't at rehearsal.

Speaking of it's show weekend.  We've made it.  Thankfully though my family has helped out...last night my brother watched them.   I've felt bad that we haven't been in the house at all.   Overall things are going prettty good.  We still have a ways but it's improving so thats good.   Both boys are going to get some infant child developement help and that should start to make a world of difference.   And I got medicine yesterday (FINALLY- that's another story) so I'm starting to feel better.

I must say I enjoy having kids and I'm ok with fostering, but I do sometimes still wish very much that I could have my own kid.  It's especially hard when there are babies being born all around me.  Three friends have had one in the last week and there are still several more to come.  Oh well,. guess it's not in the plan.  :-(

Incorrect Information

Today I had appointments all set for the doctor and when we got there I didn't have one form that they needed.  Nor did they list it in the items I needed to bring.  I was frustrated.  Especially since I really want to get them in before they both starve themselves to death.   R won't eat anything but crackers and water, though I can get him to eat pizza sometimes.   G refuses to touch solid food (though last night we had a break through and he put a cracker in his mouth).    I offered to bring the form later or to run and get it, but noooo they wouldn't let me.  The receptionist wasn't very friendly.  
Yesterday was the first visit with their mom.   I guess poor R had a hard time leaving and cried a lot at daycare.   He was extremely hyper at rehearsal last night and ran around and around.   It's getting harder to leave him at daycare as he crys every morning and begs to come with me.  I keep reminding myself though it's only the first full week and it will get better.   G is starting to not be held constantly and I'm holding him less and less through rehearsal time, he's playing with the kids more.  I'm so glad it's Friday and a weekend.

Round 3 is interesting

So last Wednesday night I got a phone call for two boys.  1yr old G. and 3yr old R.   I said ok, waited and then they arrived.  It's amazing when they are brought as the case workers literally just drop them off and if you are lucky tell you a couple things about them.  In this case not only did the caseworkers have limited information, but their books were pretty empty too, with only their medical cards and referal.  The first night was rough as they were both confused and missing their mom.   I was a little worried that we would end up in the ER from starvation, as R refused to eat anything but crackers and cereal the first 48hrs and started puking the first full day.   Although very behind on speech, he's very cute and has made leaps and bounds since last week.  When alone, he copies everything I say.  He's started playing, is doing better in daycare, and eating.  Though still not eating extremely healthy, he is at least eating.  I can't get him to drink anything but water, which is strange.  
G is an interesting case, he has a flat head....it's weird...he was left in a car seat and on his back to much.   He is very very tiny and can fit in clothes that are 6-9 months.    Since he's come, he's eating baby food (I can't get him to eat real food), drinking some from a sippy cup - including some milk, cut back on formula. Most of the time he wants to be held and if he's not he'll follow me around crying like crazy, but he's starting to improve with that.  Tonight at rehearsal he only sat on my lap about 5 minutes total and was all over the place.  He pulls himself up to standing with furniture (still can't stand on his own - but he's trying)   I will be interested to see what happens at the doctors with him.  he's small, behind with everything, his head, and a leg that's turned wrong.
It's so sad that parents can ignore and not take care of their children.   I'm so glad to see some strides in the kids,, R even asked to go to bed when we got home from rehearsal.   We have a long, long ways to go on a lot of things.   I'm not looking forward to their first parent visit this week.  I'm sure that will send up into a whirlwind backwards.  Oh and the best thing ---once they get to sleep, they both sleep all night and even sleep in some!!!  No 5am mornings everyday anymore.

Round 3...oops I think I forgot to write about round 2

So as I look at the blog I realize I pretty much fail at keeping it updated.   2 weeks ago I got a phone call for a 18 month old for emergency care.   (Actually I'm still not entirely sure what his age was).  He was adorable.   He showed up at 5am on a Friday morning and I was up all night as they called at 11:30pm.   I really enjoyed him, especially after he was there for awhile.  He loved to sing or rather hum along with songs, and actually was very 'talkative' when we were alone.   Apparently a child can only be in police custody for 3 days, but that doesn't include weekends or holidays - which it was.   I was hoping he would be able to stay with me.  That evening I took him to the ER to get checked over (which now I'm trying to get the bill solved) and we had an enjoyable weekend.   On Wednesday of the next week they called me and said they were on the way to pick him up, he had been transfered to SRS custody.   i tried so hard to get them to leave him with me, apparently he ended up having a 2yr old sister, both of which I could take and the poor kid was tramatized enough.  He was picked up and taken away screaming and reaching for me.  That was horrible and made me instantly want to quite it all.   I even called my case worker to try to get her to help, but never heard back from her.  
This experience made me very bitter for a few days, I felt so bad for that child.  I swore off the system and really considered if I was doing right by being involved.  I had made the decision that I will not be doing emergency care anymore- especially during the school year.   I kept really thinking about completely withdrawing myself, but at the same time I know I'm good with the kids and I love having the little ones around.  As I was debating this still a week later, I received a call to take in two kids, ages 1 and 3.   I said ok.   So again I'm out buying supplies and clothes and have taken in two kids I know nothing about.  They are two boys and come with some development problems and so far it's been interesting.   They came on Wednesday which seems to be the magic day for changes- thankfully I no longer have a church job to contend with on Wednesdays.    I'll save the beginning of our time together for another entry, as this has gotten long....and well I'm exhausted and going to bed.   This will be the first time before midnight in the last few days.
Goodnight world.