See That Building...

Well I haven't written anything lately because…well nothing is happening.  All the people (and it's not many) who have decided on adoption are seeking two parent homes which means my profile has been shown…drumroll…..zero times.  Extremely frustrating.  
However I'd like to dedicate and discuss my other 'adopted' kids for just a second…that is my students.
As everyone knows I am a theatre teacher.  I sometimes feel overwhelmed, overworked, and extremely under appreciated.   There are times where I feel like a production will never come together and I will NEVER get through to my students.   If you asked me to describe myself I probably wouldn't use words like creative or empowering or well great at anything.
But then I sit and watch those high school students on production nights and am amazed.  Here are 70+ students who have created something together.   And honestly there is that moment when I realize- 'hey I did helped created something special'.
As I watched the show this past weekend, I thought about all the fabulous things I get to experience because I am lucky enough to work with these 'theatre'  kids.

-Two months ago these kids probably would never have been friends outside of this adventure and as I watched them in the greenroom prior to the show and throughout rehearsals- I got to see them become a family.  They come from all paths (poor, well off, average students, smart, sports kids, debate kids, behavior problem kids- kids with no parents, kids with involved parents, popular, unpopular, shy, outgoing) and yet by the end of this process an outsider would have no idea most of them didn't even know each other a few months ago.  Every day I am so amazed how accepting the theatre world can be.  I get to see the genially caring side of students.
-Two months ago we started with a script and a cast and we ended with costumes, a set, lights, sound, and a cohesive production.  And I can honestly say there was no one person who did the majority of the work on any of this.  I got to see kids create and collaborate to build the set, choose costumes (and many show make), focus lights, and put together this show.  If you want to see the epitome of collaboration, creativeness, and communication- visit a theatre.  If you ever go through a phase in life where you feel like there is no hope for the younger generation- that they don't work hard, that they can't make decisions, that they can't create- visit a technical theatre classroom.  These students aren't just simply handed a lecture or an assignment with all the steps…many times they have to figure out how to get to the end product.  (A great example is the year I said "here are the stairs and the platform and some chicken wire- Make a tree and when they asked how- I told them to figure it out and the did)
-One week ago- I didn't think this show could pull together (pretty typical in any theatre).  And then as I sat watching it I was almost emotional at what they had accomplished.
- Four years ago (some shorter, a few longer) my current Seniors entered the world of theatre as shy young freshman.  Looking back each at how far they have come in leadership qualities, how outgoing they have become, and all the growing up they have done is special.  And for a moment each show I am aware that much of that has evolved from being involved in theatre.  People always criticize that I have large cast musicals- but imagine some of those kids who have come so far how it would have been different if they had been cut that first time they tried.   Would they have still become the leaders and individuals they are now…maybe..but I believe theatre makes a difference.   I believe theatre helps them to be comfortable with themselves and others.   And I must say it helps them stay in school, stay out of trouble, and usually helps with grades (I check my kids' grades and at 9 weeks I checked 75 students grades and there was one F).  
Basically what I am saying is I have the most amazing and wonderful job in the world.  I can't imagine being in another job and can't even imagine teaching another subject.  I often get 3-4 years with my students and truly get to know them.  I am even lucky enough to stay in contact with many of them after they graduate.  I get to see at times the worst side of teenagers, but I also get the blessing of seeing their best sides many times.   I believe theatre and the arts are so important to education and it amazes me that more and more schools cut those areas.  If you want to see a student truly find them selves and strive for the best they can be get them involved in the arts.    
By the way I titled this post "see that  building" because it's the last song in the musical Working that we just finished.  It's about workers in every day jobs having something they can point to and be proud of.   The shows I put on (even when there are problems with them -hey it's an education level not a professional level) and the growth that I am lucky enough to see in the students- that's my building- that's what I get to point to and say I was a part of that.
(WOW I actually got a really nice connection with part of the show.  ha ha)

While I'm waiting!!

Sent my entrance fee in and now it's really a long waiting game.  Ok so I hope it's not to long.   In the meantime  I have started this week the most fabulous and amazing volunteer job.   

As many people know, I lucked into a great daycare for the kids as I've been doing foster care.  I really like the staff there and thankfully they seem to be ok with me.  :-)

After talking to the director last week, I found out I could volunteer there.   So this week I started volunteering.  I am going in twice a week for a couple of hours to hold babies.   Yes I am going to go volunteer holding babies.  It's like a dream volunteer job.   :-))

I started today and I love it.  For me holding babies and playing with kids is a stress reducer.    

Hopefully my adoption stuff will happen quickly, but for now this is fun and fills my wanting to be around little ones.  

Another step

Well my fingerprints FINALLY came back and so probably by the end of this week, I will be eligible to adopt.  Now if only there were birth mom's in the program.  :-(     I hope this doesn't end up being another two years down the road and still nothing happening.

This past weekend I went to the KC Rennaisance Fest ( a tradition I do every year with some of my friends).  It was a great trip, but the last two years I've had kids with me.  I kept remembering things that I did with the little girl I had last year so it kind of was sad.  

Today I got to hold a brand new baby girl --5 days old.  She was so adorable.  It was a former student's little girl.   There are so many babies being born in the last couple weeks.  Many of my former students are having babies.     I want a baby so bad.  I'm sure it will happen eventually.  Now I'm just in the long long long waiting game.

Unwelcome News

One of my biggest complaints about the foster care system is the lack of communication.   They are horrible communicators in many aspects, but the one that always bothers me the most is I never know what happens to the kids after they leave my house.  It would be nice to have an update on them.
Today was different.  Through emails of trying to figure out why the daycare didn't get paid, I was told the boys have already been moved from the home I took them to.   This saddens me so much.  while there were many problems they were good kids- just to much for me to handle alone.   I know there isn't anything I can do and I made the right decision, but it still very much weighs on my heart.   I hope they find a place that can keep them or they are removed from the system soon.   This is a different painful hurt then saying goodbye to the kids - I wonder if I could have done more, could have kept them----I did have them for 7 months.  If they don't have visitations they do really well.  It's sad the other family didn't give it some time, but hopefully they will find the right placement.   for now I'm going to be sad and think of them.

Enjoy the balloon pics from Colorado Springs yesterday.

My House smells fishy.

Ok so here it goes...something very hard for me to ask and discuss so I'm just going to dive in.  As you know adoption is expensive...Very expensive btw.   I grew up knowing not to ask for financial help and honestly really haven't most of my life.  Ok so there was this one time I ended up having walking pneumonia and my mother gave me the money to go to the doctor.   I think it was really cause she was tired of listening to me wine.  (btw - if you get walking pneumonia - rest a lot, which I did not).  And my parents and my awesomespectacular grandfather have helped me out here and there, but for the most part I'm pretty independent.  I believe it is my responsibility to pay for my life.  But as I said, adoption is very expensive and honestly I can't afford it.  People often say adoption is so expensive that many people don't do it...and I now know why.  Funds have to be there suddenly and while I can't wait to have a baby to bring home, I also am dreading that moment because I don't really know where I'm going to get that last big chunk of money...and I never thought I would be sharing financial stuff ever in my life with the general population.   I"m so embarressed.....

So I'm fundraising.  Please feel free to help out in any way you can.  One of the fundraisers almost anyone can do and it doesn't cost anyone anything.  So check out what I have going so far.  

Amazon - Lots of you use Amazon.com and as school is starting and Christmas approaches this is a great way to help out.  Click the highlighted word there or look to the Right of my blog for the link.  When you shop on amazon and you go through this link, I get a percentage of the sale.  It doesn't affect your pricing or what is available or anything, you just have to click through this site.  So if you use Amazon a lot, make a bookmark for this link on your computer.  Use it constantly.  Please.....

Jewelry- Take a look at my Etsy shop (also on the right side) or ask me to bring the jewelry I have- I have a lot I haven't put up yet and I can always pull something off if you want to get it in person - no shipping fees that way.

Both of these provide you a product of some sort.  However if you happen to come across oh say $100 bill or $5 and you think "wow I have nothing I want to spend this money on" (because this happens all the time I'm sure)...well then please consider donating to my Youcaring.com  fundraising site.   I feel really bad listing/asking for this type...but any help I get is extremely appreciated.

I will probably post the amazon one a lot on facebook...because it's easy and doesn't affect you any if you use it.   I feel a little...ok lot strange about just coming out and saying...help me- i'm to poor to pay for adoption fees.  Just as an FYI-  I do make enough to take care of a child (just not the large fees- which are ridiculous) and even if I have to put it all on credit cards I am going to do this adoption so please don't feel obligated to participate in any of the above-  well unless you are already ordering on Amazon.

Just as an FYI to brighten your life with things you don't care about- my house smells weirdly like fish....I don't live anywhere near fish....it's very fishy to me.

Foster Care Taught Me.....

And here it is, the long awaited post.   What I learned during my adventure into foster care.

Before I get started though please help me raise money to pay for a private adoption.  If you use Amazon to shop, please go there through this link http://tinyurl.com/l4hv9xm  It can also be found on the side of my blog.  I earn 10% of what you spend.  It doesn't affect your prices or anything- just allows me to earn some money.  (and I'm very sorry but I will probably post this several times)

I learned A LOT during my last two years working with the foster care system, including more about the 'system', myself, and my support system.

1.  Foster care in at least Kansas is horrible.  Those poor kids are dragged through foster care for way longer than they should ever have to be.  Decisions are never based on what is best for the child...EVER.   And I'm pretty sure both sides (foster and bio families) would agree on this.  Some kids are left in to long to never be returned to families, some are sent home to early, some should never have been in the system.   Older kids in the system have been in the system for years because decision were not made and they got older and then less people wanted to take that age.

2.   Communication is some of the worst I've ever seen.  Foster parents aren't given information, bio families are left out, case workers don't share information, secrets abound.  And TFI seems to be the worst company of all (this is with a lot of information from others both working with TFI and with other groups).  TFI apparently can't read and would call me constantly for children I wasn't even licensed for.   My FSW (Family social worker) always said she would do something and never did, best example is never actually finishing my adoption paperwork.  They also don't fully finish their jobs.   The little girl that left in December - they didn't check the Aunt's background correctly and they had a month from when they told me she would move.   They also never return phone calls.  I could go on for ever about this aspect, but lets not bore every one even more.

3.  It's amazing what parents put their own children through.  I have worked with children 0-4 for over 20 years.   I can't believe how much a parent can screw up a child by age 2.  It shocked me and scares me.  I totally see now why some of my teenagers have so many issues.   This was probably the most eye-opening thing during this experience.  My last two 2yr olds were very damaged when they came to me.  One was so empty- that child wouldn't interact or let you touch them and was so out of control and kid of crazy.  I will say though it is also amazing how much difference love and patience can make in a child- neither of those kids left my house that way.

So now that we've covered all the bad stuff briefly - which I could easily expand on here is what I really learned about myself.

1.  I can be a single parent.  I took in two kids instead of the one I planned on caring for each time.  While my life could be hectic and at times almost unbearable, I survived, the kids survived.  I found I do follow all the things I always tell others or try my best (foster kids are a little different).  I may not be the healthiest eater- but the kids always were given healthy foods and no pop.  They all left loving fruits and vegetables.  I survived having kids with my schedule.   I learned I most certainly want to have a child.   I did not waiver because it got tough or I couldn't go out with friends.

2.  I have an amazing support system.  I tend not to accept help or take support very well and sometimes I don't feel like it's there.  I learned other wise during this adventure.  My family - both immediate and extended- have been amazing.  My first set they helped purchase some things I needed.  My parents and brother have helped me out in more ways that I can ever thank them.  Times did get tough and my family was always there.  They all helped out during show weeks too, which is the one time in my life where having a child is very very difficult.   My friends have been supportive as well.  My co worker even stayed many nights while the students left rehearsal so I could get the kids home to bed.  She has been a great support as well.  I vent to these people and sometimes cry, as well as celebrate.  The best thing about all these people is they not once treated my children as foster kids.  They were part of the family.  I can't wait till I have a child that can be permanent for them to love.  (I'm sure they will be very spoiled).  Oh and I should mention I have amazing students as well.  They doted on and cared for the kids.  I know my foster kids would not have advanced as much if it hadn't been for my high school students.  80 people ignoring tantrums sure does stop them faster than just one mom ignoring.   :-)

3.  I learned a lot about myself.  I have learned my strengths and weaknesses.   When I started answering these questions was difficult for me - but I was very sure of them doing my home study this week.  I do have limits and I'm learning to accept them and to ask for help when I need it- very difficult but I'm asking.   I learned how to use community resources like crazy.  I used them and we needed to.   I also learned how much I really wanted to start from birth. - those first two years are so important and I always knew that - but now I've seen it.  I learned it may be slow, but I as a single parent could make a difference with help.   Those kids advanced so much in the little time that they touched my life.   I also learned I could hate myself an awful lot more than I ever had.  At times I was so at my wits end and nothing seemed to be working and I was so frustrated with myself at not being able to control my own reactions when it got really rough - and it got really really rough at times.   Of course that's also when I used my family to help.  There were times things bothered me and I just couldn't believe I could be that person and the hate set in and the desperation that I couldn't help the kids or just didn't know what to do.  I hated those times mostly because I didn't know how to help the kids.  It was never their fault they were the way they were, but it sure was hard to deal with at times.  On the flip side though I did also learn I can make it through that.  Even if I have to post a list on my wall to help me remember that while we may not be moving forward fast we were taking small steps- and yes I did that with one child and they were very small improvements for awhile- but we were moving forward.

4.  Consistency and structure are the keys to life.   All my kids needed structure and consistency to survive and succeed.   At times it sucked - because they had to learn the norm/boundaries before we could  sway from it and sometimes I never got to that stage.  Yes you want to give them candy and let them have their way some, but if they don't understand boundaries and proper expectations yet - you can't do it.   By the way this was the hardest thing to convey to my parents = grandparents just want to spoil- understandable- but first the kids need to know what expectations and boundaries to live by.    I am a mean mom.  I didn't allow the kids to have pop or candy or give them different foods at supper just because they didn't want to try their food.  If they couldn't stay at the table they didn't get to keep their food.  I had to be the strict mom until they figured out what was proper behavior.   That was hard.  I alway felt like I was fixing kids and never getting to get to the stage where we could move away from that all the time.  I'm not sure if that makes any sense.   Most kids learn no and boundaries as they are growing up - the foster kids didn't have an understanding of any of this when they came.  

5.  I am a genius. ha ha.  just joking.  The most amazing part of this adventure- which I know is also a part of parenthood- was watching the kids learn and grow.  To see the kids go from anti touch to cuddling and asking for hugs or wanting to hold hands.  To see that you could take them places without them running off or breaking everything.   To see the sparkle come back into their eyes.  To see them laugh and smile and play.  To read the books with them.  Picking them up from daycare and them running to you and being excited to see you.  To see them start asking for comfort when they were hurt or sad.  To watch them start to advance in learning- alphabet, colors, behaviors.  To know they could go in the other room and play without destroying toys, beds, or each other.  To watch the siblings start to care for each other and interact as siblings - even the fighting as siblings.  To watch kids who barely talked when they came to be singing and talking constantly before they left.    Some could do the musical songs and dances as well as my high school kids.  My biggest accomplishment is that all the kids came to me with 20 or less words and all left with massive vocabularies (actually in many cases surpassing their age in some cases).  They were more confident when they left and more relaxed around new situations.  They all went through stages they had missed very quickly and for the most part caught up to age appropriate behavior and educational levels (not that they won't still need support or have a little ways to go)   Even the two I had for 2 short months dramatically changed.   The youngest 1 yr old came on a bottle and wouldn't touch even baby food.  I got him eating mostly solids within two months.  We worked our way up through baby food and soft foods to eating real food.   That child, a child who had a flat head because he was so neglected was even starting to walk when he left.  Of course all of these changes weren't just me.  I have a fabulous daycare and I love them= they are amazing, I have an awesome support system, and I'm sure being at the musicals and plays with high school students also played a large part of the improvements.   Either way it was amazing to watch and be a part of.

So I could probably go on and on and on and continue to ramble but I'm stopping here.   While I really got into foster care to adopt, I learned so much from doing it.  I think it will make me an even better mother (and yes I am not perfect) and I'm confident in my decision to move forward to being a parent.  I know now I can do it even with my schedule and being single.  Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this adventure.  Someday I may revisit it and continue foster care, but for now I am moving forward with the private adoption.  

Another big step...Another big interview..Home Study Done!

Today was my home study for the private adoption (had to be done completely from scratch because TFI never did mine correctly).  I was a little worried as I'm not the best housekeeper in the world, the kids just left and I'm still not caught up.  Not to mention my grass is almost knee high because the rain will not stay away long enough for my sponge of a yard to dry up enough to mow.  My house by the way is not dirty...just not extremely clean and organized.  It's safe and is reviewed a lot for the foster care license so don't worry about the kids coming through.  :-)
10am my worker for my private adoption showed up.   I'm going through Kansas Children's Service League (KCSL) which yes does still do infant adoptions- despite what a local big paper kind of led everyone to believe.  So far I've really liked this lady whom I will just refer to as worker cause I'm cool like that.  She has been extremely honest with me about the adoption numbers and how things work and answers all of my questions very thoroughly.   She is very aware of what happened with TFI and ensures me it will not happen through them.  She has been upfront that it could be a wait, average is 11 months- they can't really control how many birth mothers they have.  Lucky me I don't have a lot of restrictions on the type of adoption or type of kid.  (although for now - I have down girl, might be my subconscious saying no boys cause I just had 2 very boy boys- and we will reevaluate that in 6months if needed.)

The interview went from 10am - 4pm.  It really did take all day...so glad it happened before school started.  So for those who don't know what a home study is- let me explain.
In order to adopt a person must have a home study done.   If you go through the foster care system your case worker will do it and it doesn't cost to have it done.  In the case of a private adoption it does cost.  It can cost anywhere from $750 - $2000 for the initial cost.  If you are having it updated, it's usually around $250-$500.  Costs vary from agency to agency.

A home study is basically an in depth questioning session to discover all the details of your life to see if you will fit as an adoptive parent.  Many of the questions are the same from home study to home study. Each group may ask a few questions or ask them in a different way, but really it is all about the same.   It includes questions about finances, growing up, relationships, family, and the future of your child.

An important piece of the home study is your finances.  They ask for your income (I had to give a copy of my taxes from last year).   You fill out papers about monthly income, monthly expenditures, insurance, and life insurances.   I do need to find out when insurance can take effect for an adoptee - either placement or finalization.  

Another part is my experiences growing up and family.  Where did I grow up, what is my education, job history (which was hard because I've always had so many jobs at once and I've been at my teaching job 9 yrs), who is my family, how was I raised, what were my religious/culture traditions, how are my relationships with family.  I felt like someone was listening in they would be able to have great information for identity theft.  It gets pretty detailed.   She asked life changing experiences, have I experienced loss, how did I deal with that, How often do I talk/see my family.   What kinds of jobs do my family have.  She also asked about extended family since I listed them as resources.  How close are they, how often do we see each other.  If I were married there would be a whole other set of questions about that relationship...thankfully we just flew past that part...cut it much shorter.

There are many questions about the present other than relationships...What are my strengths, weaknesses or needs, parenting weaknesses and strengths- both that were so much easier to answer now that I've had kids in the house.  How do I recognize and deal with stress and anger.  How do I feel about my job, what resources do I have available, do I know how to find resources, am I pretty much healthy.  

A lot of questions deal with the child and raising them- discipline, what rules I expect, how I plan to bond with them, safety, resources,  what do I need to do to prepare for a child, how will it change my life.   I don't need to do much to prepare, basics - diapers and smaller clothes.   I have so much already because of foster kids- oh and get a infant car seat- only because I want a carrier and don't want to use the other till they are bigger- but it really starts at 5lbs.  It also won't make a lot of difference in my life now because I've had 2 kids in my house for almost 2 yrs now.   I've already made those adjustments to life with them.  I do need to make sure I keep up on school stuff- I can take 4 weeks for an adopted child and plan to do so if it falls during school or at least part of that.   I'm pretty set for a kid- not probably like most parents adopting.

That's basically the home study.  A lot of in depth questions about me and my beliefs and what I want.  Basically it's getting a really good look at me to see if I'm crazy and if I can handle a child in my life.   I do feel like it's really personal and with the information they could take over my life and no one would expect it.  :-)

So what happens from here.    Well worker goes back and types up all the lovely answers and makes it into something anyone can read- not just her.  Then we both sign off on it.  My fingerprints have to come back still (I hope the county sheriff's office sent it on- kind of think maybe they didn't).  They also are waiting on my references to fill out paperwork- HINT HINT to those people- please return it- promise I won't make you do it again....hopefully.   Once all this is finished I pay for the next step which will hurt and then I'm in their system...and then the waiting begins.

After a really huge work stress happened, I almost canceled this process.   I had to really think about continuing even though I desperately want a child and I'm getting older and this process could already take awhile.  I am glad I went a head with it.   I'm excited and hope something occurs - something in life has to go right lately.  I know I could be in for a long wait again...but worker did assure me that everyone who stuck with the program has been matched.  After this next step is payed I will officially be in their program and I can start looking at grants and see if maybe I can find one.

So in all that is going wrong currently in my life - this is going very well right now and I'm grateful for that sliver of hope and good.   and by the way = it's pouring AGAIN.  My poor lawn may never be mowed again.

Saying Goodbye

I am now a single alone woman again.  Today I said goodbye to my 2 boys, or rather I tried.   I was lucky enough to drive them to their new foster home.  My mother went with us thankfully as it was a little bit of a drive.   I wasn't sure what to expect - this is the first time any of my foster kids haven't been going to a family member.   I've been trying for the last few days to let the boys know what was going on- we said goodbye as we left things- but they are young and they didn't really understand.  I packed up their stuff- they came with one outfit and left with an entire year round wardrobe and a lot of toys.
I am so glad I got to take them.   Their new family had a mom and dad and two of their own boys near the same ages.   M was playing and having fun and barely said goodbye as we left (granted he probably didn't realize we weren't coming back) and E was having fun.  I really liked the foster parents.  They were a younger couple new to fostering.  The dad got down and played with the boys immediately and the mom talked to me for quite awhile.  I felt good about their new placement and hope that soon they will be out of foster care.  I think they will both do well there and after awhile will show themselves fully to the parents (E has been talking constantly -literally- for the past few days- but takes awhile to warm up in new situations).  Both kids reacted so much better than I could have hoped for and interacted way better than they would have a couple of months ago.   The hardest part was watching E as it was registering on his face I was leaving.   Thankfully we were out of sight before I could see his full reaction.    It will be sad to not have kids in the house anymore, but this was the best decision for the boys and for me right now, especially with work issues that have been occurring.   Stay tuned for my next entry about what I've learned from foster care.   :-)  

The right thing to do is still sometimes very hard.

As you may or may not know, I had to make a very difficult decision a couple weeks ago.   I requested that the two boys in my care be removed.  Since visitations have restarted the older one has gone back into a lot of old behaviors that are a little to much for me and I believe this truly isn't the right placement for him.    However I do really like the boys and it is still a rough and hard decision.  Today I got the call that they will be leaving on Monday.   It's weird how much I didn't realize it hasn't sunk in yet.   Now it's hitting me pretty hard.    I will miss them a lot and I still struggle with the decision to have them moved.   It's a lot different from being told they are moving to me asking for a removal.  I feel guilty, overwhelmed, and like an epic failure.

I've been asked if they were going to be up for adoption if my decision would be different.  Honestly, yes it probably would have been.   But they aren't up for adoption nor will they be.  Unfortunately in our lovely system they will be dragged through foster care for a long time before they either are returned home or given to their grandmother.    I know they have both come so far and hopefully I have set up a better future for them with their next placement.   I just know with my schedule in the fall, the older one would not have survived well.  I hope the best for both of them and I will miss them just like I miss all my other previous placements.   How do you tell a 2 & 3yr old though that you love them, but they are going to go live somewhere else?

I hope that my decision to remove myself from the foster care system for awhile will prevail with this private adoption path (which is also part of why the boys would eventually have to be moved anyway).   I hope to someday continue fostering, but for my life currently it is not what I want.   Please keep me in your thoughts (and my poor parents who are very attached) as we say goodbye to these boys next week and keep them in your prayers/thoughts as they adjust to yet another change in their life.  I hope and pray they will find happiness and succeed in their new placement.   

Changes are coming!

Recent discoveries have made me make some big decisions lately about my life and the last week was difficult.    I thought I might have an opportunity to adopt outside of the system and that fell through, which I totally understand.  In the past couple of years though I have been reminded just how important those first two years of life are.   I also realize that I love being a part of the firsts (crawling, walking, reaching, talking, etc).  I loved that I was a part of many of these with my nephew.  So this led me to realize how much I really want an infant (that and I love babies).  Foster to adopt has not even remotely brought up opportunities to adopt and so I started checking.   Then I found out my social worker with TFI never turned in my adoption home study.    She did it over a year late to start with, but then it never got finished.   Talk about anger and being frustrated, especially since that was the reason I got into foster care.   It's not that I don't enjoy being a foster parent- most days- but I want to raise a child.  I want to see the results of all my hard work...not just fix them and then have to forget about them.  Honestly I can see my self doing foster care later, but at this point in my life I really want a family.

So this all led me to big decision #1.  I have decided to sign up with a private adoption company.   This means I'm basically going to be buying a baby....or that's what it feels like to me.   I hate that part.  I also don't know where the money is going to come from...but I'll figure it out- look for some fundraising things -jewerly etc.  (Shop amazon through the link on the right side and I get a percentage).   After research and research and more research, I'm working with Kansas Children's Service League's infant adoption.  I hope that's not a mistake.  Sadly I have to pay the full price of a home study since mine still hasn't been finished.  I have talked to the person doing my case and she knows what has been happening with foster care for me and I like her a lot so far.  She has been very upfront with me.   I just hope it's not another long wait to produce nothing in the end...especially with all the money.   I've done the application part, got my fingerprints, and am now waiting for the next step.   I have my meeting with her to do the home study in a couple weeks- right before school starts.  I sure hope this works out.  I also really want a girl btw...but we will see.

Big decision #2 - so I was going to lie to everyone about this one, but I suck at telling lies.  So here it goes....no judgement.  I had to ask for disruption for the boys I have.   I like them a lot and they are adorable.  However since visitations started (though parents again lost them this week), M has gone so far back in behaviors that I just can't do it.  I can't repeat my spring during the fall.  the biggest part of my decision was that I'm not the right placement for him.  Both boys have come so far...but M needs a very strict schedule to succeed and with the musical my schedule is all over the place.  he also needs all his sleep.    It was a very very hard decision because they have improved, but I have to think about me to and that's been a hard to do.   I also can't really work with two companies so they would have to be moved anyway eventually and now is a great transition time.  Would it be a different decision if they would eventually be up for adoption...maybe, but they won't be and even if they are there grandmother really wants them...she lives out of state and that's why they haven't moved with her.  I'm also tired and a little bitter still.  I need a break.   everyone keeps telling me I have had some really extreme toddlers in my care and while I know that's true (I do have 20+ experience with toddlers), I can't bring myself to believe it isn't all my fault.  I kind of feel like an epic failure and am embarressed by this decision and it's really rough when both boys are behaving.  BTW I know toddlers are just toddlers, but I reallydo have an extreme case.  The youngest is definately a 2yr old...but add that to the other who takes it to the extreme and often copies that, all the time...by myself....yeah....  I feel like I have to convince people why I had to make this decision.  I realize though it's probably still me I'm trying to convince.    I will miss them, but I'm also hoping something happens through the other service.  (And ok I'm going to leave my name on the adoption list with foster care- but I'm not going to do foster care)

And thus will end my 2yr run with foster care for now.   My social worker is going to put me as inactive until I tell her other wise.  I think down the road I actually want to continue doing it, but for now I'm going to look into the other adoption...so keep me in your thoughts...maybe someday I will really be able to say and show a kid of my own.   Wish life would have worked out with a husband and children, but it hasn't so this is the path I'm on.

It's not all Bad

I just reread the post I wrote this morning and realized it sounds like everything is bad.  Not true.  So I'm going to take a few minutes to say a few good things.  I have had M & E for almost 7 months now. I have watched them learn to talk, become confident, learn to hug and be touched without fear, to laugh and have fun.   They are both smart boys and love to figure things out.  M wants to be helpful and will help around the house.    I've seen him be calm, behave, and sit still....all things he couldn't do when he came.   His language keeps multiplying and he can ask questions and seeks to know what things are.   E will tear apart something just to figure out how it works.  He can sit and play on his own and build with blocks for a long time.   Both boys have grown to love the water and have some swimming skills. They both have grown into little boys that can communicate their needs and wants.   When E came I believed he could talk some (he wasn't 2 yet so a lot of words probably wouldn't be present), however he was quiet.  He never made much noise and never tried to talk.   He has opened up and now not only does he talk constantly---he does so for everyone.  For the longest time his case managers didn't think he could.   He also loves to sing!
Both boys love daycare and love learning.    June was a really good month.   Although we definitely still saw 2yr old behavior from both boys ...it was typical behavior..not the extreme I had seen all spring.  Sadly once parent visitations started again after a 6 week furlow, behaviors went rapidly downhill.  It always saddens me how a child so young can already be so damaged and from their own family.    But enough of that for this post.
I love kids during these ages to watch them learn about the world around them and to see their firsts - so I have loved getting to do this with 8 kids over the past year.   Some major changes are coming though and I will update on those later.    Have a great day and thanks for stopping by.

I think I'm the worst blogger in the world

I suck....I haven't blogged since I got my new foster kids...I did take in the two boys and it has been rough.   I spent all of the spring frustrated every night and crying every weekend.  The older boy (M) was out of control and therefore made me feel out of control.  Both boys had constant ear infections and between that and my mother's heart problems I missed a lot of school.  But I kept going.   Twice I sent an email asking for the boys to be removed and twice I somehow kept going with them.   And things minimally improved, except the youngest turned 2 and boy did he turn 2- his picture should be next to terrible twos definitions everywhere.   He is adorable and a pain.

A little more information to catch you up.   M who is now 3 has very out of control behaviors.  Extremely destructive, aggressive, and full of tantrums, and the main reason why this pair has been extremely difficult.  When he arrived at my house he was very limited in speech and only said about 4 things.   His behavior controled his life and he has no control over parts of it.   After several months I had enough and finally talked to the doctor.   Sadly we had to start medication.    A lot of M's behavior problems he can't control and it was very obvious.  After trial and error on several things we have finally gotten his meds under control which has made a huge difference.   We also started therapy.   M finally started to improve- he talks and sings now (though we definately have a speech problem- though he finally stopped stuttering), he can be taken into public- doesn't run anymore, has stopped destroying my house and become less aggressive.  Part of that turn was meds, part was ear tubes, and part was an absense of parent visitations.   three weeks ago- I thought things were going well - he was becoming more typical 2/3yr old- which is amazing because our early ed put him on about an 18-24 month range for most things not long after I got him.   Then visitations started and we spiraled back into behaviors that we had under control.

The youngest (E), turned 2 recently and boy is he a 2yr old.  He is smart and likes to figure out things and has a look for everything.    He's very cute but copies a lot of his brother's behaviors which makes it difficult when they are both causing problems.

This post just skims the top of my life for the past 7 months as I forgot to keep updates.  It has been a rough and challenging experience.  I do have a lot more to update, but I'll write more posts later.  
I'm going to attach some non identifying pics here.

Round....something

I just reread my last post.  Guess I haven't done to well on keeping up on here.  I'm still very upset over what happened and still unsure of what I want to do.  I did respite care over break for a 1 and 2yr old.  It went ok, but honestly I was very glad they weren't staying.    I just wasn't into it and very impatiant and for them being in care since March or May they had a lot of habits i would never have allowed to continue.

However it was kind of funny to watch them everytime the cat would walk into the room they would burst into tears, which my cat figured out.   So she starts walking through more.  We progressed to where she could be in the room as long as she didn't move and by day 5 the little girl at least acted like she may be ok.   

On Jan. 11 I took in two boys ages 1 1/2 and 2 1/2.  They were leaving with their grandparents, but grandparents couldn't really handle them.  They are abused and were neglected and so they are very shy.  The 2 1/2 year old (M) is definately out of control.  I have already seen some improvement though and that makes me happy.  He wasn't sleeping much when he came and now he sleeps all night. 

The 1 1/2 year old (E) is cute and awnry as can be.  He's been sick a bunch and is finally starting to recover.  

My heart isn't into this as much as it was.  I really miss the little girl alot.  I really want to adopt and I don't seem to be getting any closer to that.   I wish I knew the right thing to do.  

When is enough enough?

The past couple of weeks have been really bad.  24hr after G left they called and asked me to take her back.  Of course I said yes.  Then I never heard again.   Apparently the aunt did not pass the KBI.  Now how they didn't figure this out in the month that this was planned for I have no idea.   I only found out she wasn't coming back to me when another person called asking me to do Respite care.  She checked into it.

I basically had a horrible 3 day breakdown.  I cried for 3 hrs for some reason after finding out, which went to about the middle of our family christmas.   So embarressing.  
I did do respite care for a 1 and 2 yr old and it was ok, but I was glad they went back.  They were tiny hurricanes in my house.  
I got a call last week about taking a 2yr old and a 5 day old.  I was so excited to finally be getting a baby....They said they would call me if it changed and put that I accepted and to no surpise I never heard again.  I called my family resource worker's supervisor and complained.  I also sent a complaint to my FRW.  This is tiring and frustrating and bothersome.  Why can't they take the 2 min to call back.  Why are they calling me in the first place if they have no intention of putting them in my house.

So now i'm trying to decide if I want to continue.  I've considered changing companies (which may be a good idea anyway as the company I was considering is the one with all the contracts for next 4 yrs.)/  Maybe i should just quite.  I don't know anymore.  Its so killing my mood too. I know I'm not impressed with TFI and the system sucks.