Round 4 Ending!

Today is the day.  :-(   G is leaving and it's going to be kind of hard.  She's really come to fit in quite well and I will miss her a bunch.   I don't feel this is the best decision for her but what I say doesn't matter, nor does the therapist apparently.  She has declined with weekend visits and gone back to acting like a dog, whining constantly and throwing tantrums.  After a visit her language drops to.  I'm sad and hope they will continue to get help, but after last weeks therapy session, I don't see that happening.  

G did the cutest thing the other day.  She told me her first story about a plane.  I didn't understand half of it...but who cares she was creating a full story and excited.  She then did sound check for a concert.  I know you are thinking AWW.   During her bath she layed in the tub and sang at the top of her lungs when I was out of the room.  She has down her ABC's really well.  she is such a smart kid.   I know that's way different attitude then just a few months ago.  I will really miss her.

Yet again....

       I guess I haven't updated for awhile.  The first week after B left, G was horrible, and I didn't think we were going to make it.  Then we met for the new case plan at the end of the month and it seemed to completely change.  We made huge leaps and bounds in behavior and everything.  She started to play with my students and enjoy being around others.  In fact only rarely does she get out of hand anymore. I had even come to the conclusion that I would keep her if she was up for adoption.  She won't be.
       G has been seeing her mom one day a week and then spending time with her aunt.   This last Monday I got a call about a 2 day visit over thanksgiving (extremely frustrating) and I asked if she would be with me through Christmas.  Her case managers both said they didn't see any big moves before then.  Tuesday one was at my house and told me, yes she probably would go live with her aunt prior to Christmas.  I asked if she could stay till the 19th, figuring I had no say in the matter.   Wednesday I got an email telling me she would be moving on the 19th.
       I'm sad about this because she's really turned in to an adorable 2yr old.  And my family really loves her- especially my Dad.   G and my nephew get along really well.  I can't believe how fast they changed their minds and before an actual overnight actually happened.   It's going to be hard saying goodbye to her.
        I wish I could just adopt and I sooooo badly want a baby.  There are 3 babies expected in the next 3 months in my family.  It was embarrassing to be at thanksgiving dinner and to be around that and to be the most single person in the world.  My aunt feels I'm desperate and keeps trying to see if I'd be interested in a man who is 20yrs older than me and an "odd" person as she continued to describe him.   Oh well into the holiday season I go.  

Here is a pic of the felt Christmas tree I made.  It is having issues staying on the wall, but she had fun playing with it.

Saying Goodbye

My baby B left last week and it was so hard.  He left screaming and crying out for me.  That was hard. G was also screaming.  I know she misses her brother lots, but thankfully is still getting to see him..  It's been a rough week and a half with G.  Her behavior since her last visitation has really declined.   And it's been hard not to have her go.   We literally have after school appointments 4 out of 5 days a week and I'm not sure how much more I can do.   G is adorable when she isn't throwing tantrums or whining.      Tonight she did really well out, but she's also sick so she's much more mellow.  Poor girl, wish I could make her feel better.
As for the other disaster in my life, we still haven't seen my nephew.  My sister in law filed a restraining order against my brother with a bunch of BS, he got a lawyer and started the divorce process.  He showed up with the lawyer and she freaked out and wanted to hold off on the court date, which is dumb, she filed it and should have been prepared.  I wish I could have been there to see the look on her face when the lawyer approached her.  now she's trying to get the next court date pushed off.  She started all this, she should have been prepared to fight.   I think she's gone off her rocker.
And to top that off, I think I'm going to be pulled into court over it.  We'll see.  Life is sucking...though it could be worse.  Here's a pic of the rennaissance faire we went to last weekend.

Can it get harder?

I know it's been awhile since I have written anything.   My life has been filled with my job, rehearsals, and appointments.   And it's been very very rough.   I feel as if I'm going to implode if anything else is added to my troubles.   
The kids are doing well, or rather better.   I'm having lots of problems with TFI and communication.  B is leaving next week for his "30 day trial" and already I can tell that's going to be extremely hard.  G is in therapy now and we are doing lots and lots of testing.  The therapist is already seeing improvements each week.  This week G asked for permission for something.  I think it was the first time she has asked a question and it was even appropriate.  She wanted to go with my stage manager somewhere.  She also last night at supper said "i am happy"  That made me happy.
My stupid brother and his wife are split for good this time.  She has kidnapped my nephew and taken him to Oklahoma and has filed a false charge against my brother - gotten a restaining order.  I may never get to see my nephew again.   This is ripping me up as well as the rest of our family.  She is so immature.
My boss last week threatened my job if I keep fostering.
Today I'm heading to Arkansas for my uncle's funeral.   Yep things just keep piling on.  :-(  I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I wish I were brave

I am at a loss anymore with these kids.  I don't know what to do.  For awhile it really seemed like we were making some huge strides, but this weekend went backwards a lot.  B is having a really hard time adjusting to two sets of household rules and G is having a hard time adjusting to B being gone.  I can't stand myself when I'm with her and they frustrate me so much.   I don't know what to do.  I know I should just have them moved and admit to failure.

And so it begins.....

So it really has come.  I have to share my baby.   B goes to stay his first weekend with his father.  It amazes me that the foster care system doesn't build up to extended stays, but as usual my opinion doesn't matter.   I started talking about it this mornign with the kids and I'm not sure how much they understood.   Life is going to rapidly start changing.   He's going to start being gone and then probably permantly and my schedule is changing with school back in.   This is going to be an interesting weekend.  I hope it goes well.
Yesterday the early education staff came to the house and both kids were the best they have been, absolutely no fits.  It was interesting to see.  They both almost acted like normal children.   To some length I'm happy about that, but in someway I wish they would have shown some of the challenges a little more.

School has started and life is much busier, I'm glad too.

Please, Thank you, and other manners

One of the things I try to do with my foster kids and well my school kids too, is to instill good manners.  This includes saying please and thank you.   G has refused to say please despite the fact I know she can.   It's almost as if she shuts down when you try to get her to say it.  Finally this past weekend though she started to use the word.  You have to remind her to say it, but she does.   She was already doing pretty well on using Thank you.  now we just have to get B to use it.
Today they had court and I guess it went odd.  their mom and family tried to get the court to move them out of here because "they get sick so much" - Not true they are in daycare so of course they are going to get sick.  B's dad is now going to get weekend visits every weekend.   And then a 30 day trial.  Yeah I don't think so.   That's not fair to me and not fair to G.   Either move him or don't.   I'm so frustrated over that.   I shouldn't have to put even more of my life on hold for a kid that isn't mine and because TFI is so dumb.  I don't think they really do anything for the kids sake.   And honestly if they are going to have extended visits then why does it always have to be the weekend?   Why not during the week- see if they can handle him while they work and stuff.   So stupid.   And to top it off this 30 day trial may mean I can't take other kids and they can just keep him at the end.  ridiculous.   And if he comes back, how is that helping G.  Their mom isn't keeping up on what she's supposed to be doing and I guess they threw a fit in court and almost got kicked out, blaming the situation on TFI and me.   Why do I put myself in all these frustrating situations.
Also I'm trying to redo my living room floor and that's ending in disaster.   Arg.  oh well.

Out of Control

Ok so I've lasted about as long as I can.  The little girl in my care is out of control and lately we seem to be getting worse.  Over the weekend she was ultra violent and threw tantrums like crazy.  She grabbed an empty pop can and threw it at my brother's face.  It was so bad that we went to my parents so there was so more buffer to take her attitude.  The little boy cried constantly and is throwing tantrums.

Little girl is whiney and acts like a high pitched dog.  She touches others inappropriately (rubs her face on them or her mouth- and my brother it falls on a very inappropriate place.)  If you say no to her or remove something from her she goes into a massive screaming and sometimes kicking fit.    The last few days have included throwing items.  She absolutely does not stop doing things when asked and will say no over and over when she is asked.   Part of the problem is she refuses to take naps and she still very much needs them.  On the rare time that she is normal she has started to ask a lot of questions about what things are and can even have normal conversations.

Little boy is affected with hand mouth and foot disease and was able to return to daycare even with a few spots, but now little girl can't go because of two spots.  arg.   He has been fussy and whiney and throws tantrums when looked at.

I am so frustrated with myself because they are getting to me so bad.  I don't know what to do with them.  I think maybe they need to be moved, but I don't want to be the start of many homes and they are so little.   It's amazing how much they need in the way of guidance.  I keep hoping going  back to work this week will help me some.   I don't like myself with them.   I need to do better about staying calm and working with their moods.  I'm also waiting till their first court date to see when happens with little boy and his parent.   I'm not sure they will be kept together, but only time will tell.

Our First Road Trip

This weekend I took B & G on our first road trip.  We traveled with my parents and my brother.  During the trip we visited Legoland and an aquarium.  Legoland did not go so well.  Babies were tired and really it was for older kids.   They both loved the aquarium.   Overall the weekend was ok.  G though was close to being thrown out on the way home.  Everyone tired of her behavior.   I wish I could figure out how to get her to take naps.  She becomes so intolerable when she doesn't have one.   I can't believe she didn't fall asleep on the road, but nope (didn't want to miss anything).   l know when she came there was no way we could have done this, but I'm not entirely sure she was ready now.   I do see some improvements, but boy do we have a ways to go.   I ended up putting them in daycare today for a break and to get back into our normal schedule.   

More Lies from the TFI

Last week I received word that my Great Uncle is not doing well at all and has been given limited time to live.  I grew up traveling to his house (Him and my aunt raised my cousin - their granddaughter).   I requested that the kids be able to travel out of state with me for a weekend so that I could go and visit them.  Apparently all the parents have to ok it.   B's dad said no.  That is extremely frustrating.  He doesn't want to have to worry about b on the road.  All the training says treat them like your own, take them on the trips. And then I get turned down.   So instead of going out of state, we are going to travel in state.  I don't have to have permission to do that.   And the funny thing is that we will actually be traveling the same distance/time - it will just be in state.   SO frustrating.

Bubble Wrap + Toddler = days of entertainment

Who knew that bubble wrap could be such a source of entertainment, but G has played with it for days.   Even focused on it for awhile which is a big thing for her.   The past week has improved dramatically.  I don't feel like I need to call and have the kids moved out of my house.   Last week I begged that they get G some help and I still believe that she desperately needs it.   The day after that things changed.  We started having good moments.  G started curling up in my lap in the evening for awhile - at first still unable to sit still and then for longer moments.  I've found that if I put B to bed and spend some time with G, things are better.   In the past couple of nights, bedtime has even been better.  She goes in and at least sits in the bed now for the most part.   Daycare has reported things are better there too.  She's finally attaching and realizing she's ok.
As far as the behavior overall, we do have some problems still.  Sunday was a long day and didn't go real well.  Overall though for longer periods of time, things are better.   I can not get her to say please though for the life of me.  It's interesting.
School is fast approaching and I'm not sure how that will go, but I'm ready to go back...sort of.
Here's a pic from the pool the other day.

I feel out of control

Sometimes I think this fostering idea is the biggest mistake of my life.   I don't seem to have any control over my own life anymore and worse sometimes I feel like I lose control of myself.   After 2 1/2 weeks things have not improved much with the little girl I have.  Her listening skills and ability to follow any instructions hasn't improved at all and my ability to handle it seems to be declining.  If she would just follow simple instructions life would be so much better.  I probably need to have them moved to another home, but then I feel bad for them and I feel like a complete failure.  There are such worse things she could be doing.  The little boy is a challenge at times, but overall is not to bad.
Today I saw into the system a little more when attending a case plan.  This case seems a little out of the ordinary.   The sad thing I figured out from the meeting is that more than likely the kids will be split up. I will be surprised if they are in my care much longer anyway.   I really need to figure out how I feel fostering and if it is something I want to continue.   I keep going back and forth in my thought pattern.   Here are a couple of pictures from the 4th.  They don't show faces so I figure it can't hurt anything.

 All worn out B can't even stay awake at fireworks. (we weren't' that far from them either)

 G watching fireworks (this was probably the only second she was sitting)

Pretty fireworks

Daycare

Ahh I feel as if I can breath.  The house is quiet, the kids are gone, the pets are sleeping.  Yesterday I got permission to take the kids to daycare.  They can go 8 hours a day for a break for me and I'm sooooo happy about it.   Today was the first day.  I just dropped them off.  Neither kid cried so that was awesome.   It probably helped that their rooms were eating breakfast and both kids were hungry.    I think this will be really good for them.  I must say I'm a big fan of daycare or at least the one I take kids to.  It's a business not a home daycare and I'm ok with that, especially for kids in the foster care that really really need structure.  I am a fan for the following
  - The staff at this place is amazing and they work with the kids and I see amazing improvement with each of them.
- Daycare helps the kids get socialized and learn boundaries outside of the home.  They learn to take turns, interact, and many skills I may miss when teaching them.    I think it helps them educationally too.  This daycare has activities planned, specific guidelines, and order of learning.   They are finding new ways to teach letters, colors, shapes, and manners.
- Daycare gives me a break or allows me to work.    I need some quiet time.  I'm not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom.  I think I'm a great mom, but not a 24/7 mom.   And being single, daycare gives the kids a chance to learn from someone other than just me.  

Hopefully this will quickly help improve both of these kids to where I don't feel like I'm getting on them constantly.  I'm trying so hard to keep them busy and to find things to praise them for so I'm not reprimanding them constantly.  I was even trying to find activities where they would have the freedom to do what they liked.  Yesterday we went to the park and as long as they stayed where I could see them, I let them go.   G took off her shoes and I didn't say anything.  So they get dirty, my tub works.   I have so much cleaning I have to do today.  Ack.

Here is a picture of the cloud dough we made and played with the other day.  It was fun and messy.

I am Struggling

Ok it's only been a few days and I'm struggling.  G is out of control.  She doesn't listen, gets into everything, and doesn't understand NO.    I can't get her to do anything and she wanders off all the time.

Our day at my friends did not go well and by the end of the day I was extremely frustrated and they were covered in mud and water.  I know my friend was frustrated also.  We did get some pictures but not many.  We tried to go to story time at their library and I had to take my two out of the place and wait outside.   G wandered off to many times and she can open doors.

We then tried the zoo yesterday and that was a disaster.  We made it through the petting zoo and saw the monkeys.  That was it.  She would wander off or refuse to stay with me.   I tried letting both kids walk and they would go in different directions.  For awhile I put G in, but the 15 month old B got tired so I switched them and that ended in the hugest and a very long screaming fit from G.   It took 15-20 min to get from one side of the elephant enclosure to the other and there weren't even any elephants to look at.   Of course everyone passing got quite a show.

Today I begged my brother to meet us at a pool.  With two people it wasn't to bad and they both love water so that helps.  I tried to buy a kiddie pool but for some reason my water outside doesn't work.  this is also frustrating.    When we are home all that the kids do is dump things, get into things and hit each other.  Neither listens and she is the worst.  I don't' know if I can do this with them.  Nothing seems to be working.  She doesn't seem to understand cause and effect, so when she is put in time out it doesn't work and talking doesn't work.  I don't know what to do.
Maybe when my case worker is back I can convince her to let me put them in daycare even though I'm not working right now.  I don't think they will.  They both need socialization with other kids and a really structured day.    And I need some time alone and to get some things done.  

I've been putting them to bed earlier because B is always tired and G drives me nuts.  She refuses to go to sleep unless I'm in the room and that takes forever so I'm not even getting a break then.  It takes for ever.  I'm so frustrated tonight.   What am I going to do for the next 7 weeks. Ack

The fist 24 hours

I can already tell these two are going to be an 'interesting' set.   They both seem to be very capable and both will eat so that's a level up from the last set.    Yesterday was interesting.   We ventured to the stores and bought some clothes.  This did not go to badly.  We met my mom for lunch and we discovered how much G will just wonder off.   She is going to be an interesting challenge.  She is very bossy, hits her brother (and adults) and just goes where she wants.  She definitely does not understand the word no and really doesn't listen very well at all.   She's also very loud in public.   Yesterday some interesting things happened.

   - We found out she wonders and started the day refusing to hold hands or really be touched much.

   - she is sort of potty trained.  She does have accidents.   However she needs to be watched or she will pull out an entire roll of toilet paper.

- She does not do well in public.  Likes to scream and be extremely loud.

- She likes babies.

-  She opens everything in the shopping cart.  She took the new zippy cups out of their package and tried to open other things.

B is also loud.   He tends to hit and I have to watch that.   He copies a lot of what sister does.   He walks and eats, but is very clumsy.    Everything goes in his mouth.

B took an instant liking to my mom and dad.   G didn't mind my mom, but isn't sure about my dad.   She practically sat on me during dinner which made it very hard to eat.    

Today we went to the store to purchase some fun activity things to take with us to my friends house this afternoon.   G opened a container of bubbles and dumped them out on the floor and all over her right in front of an employee.  So I carried most everything in my hands throughout the store, which isn't easy when you are pushing a cart with two kids who are getting into everything.

Today we are going to my friend's house so I can take pics of the twins.  It will be interesting to see how they interact with the older kids.  Hopefully they do well.  There will be 7 kids in the house with my two.  Should be interesting.

Round 4....I'm ready I think

Two things have happened since that last post.
1.  I received a letter from a collections company from a bill for the kid I took in for emergency care.   I thought it had been taken care of.  I've dealt with that all weekend.   I was very angry.   Thankfully it has been paid (I think)

2.  I have not received a response from my email yet as my Family Resource person is on vacation this week - which thankfully she at least replied to let me know that.  

3.   I took in round 4 tonight , a 15 month old boy (who is a big chunk) and a 2yr 4 month old girl.   He's a big boy and she's adorable.   B went to sleep in the crib almost immediately after getting here, while G cried when I tried to get her to go to the bed.  Though I think she will adapt quickly and well (she's already played a little), she is having a hard time going to sleep - she is on my couch.   There are to many sounds and my dumb dog won't go to sleep now.   He also had a bone and has been growling some and kind of scares G.   I hope she goes to sleep soon or tomorrow will be a very very long day or rather today.  They got here at 11:30pm.   I didn't get the call till 10pm.  

The frustrating thing is they said they called like 12 places, why didn't they call me.  I'm actually closer to where they are from than I have been to the others.

Again these kids came with very few items and so tomorrow we get to go shopping.   And I need to buy groceries.   Maybe we will go swimming.

:-)

Do They Really Know What they are doing?

I am doubting TFI's ability everyday as I get further in this process.   It's becoming frustrating and really not worth the time.   In the past two weeks I have received several calls and not one of them has worked out.  First here are some problems on my end..

• I was on vacation
•  My license says 0-6 and I really only want 0-3, though there is supposedly a note on my paperwork that says would prefer 3 and under.   I also have by now talked to every person at the intake office and said "I have a crib and a toddler bed"  And by the way I am going to change that on my license if I decide to renew.
• I am at a point I am unwilling to purchase more furniture due to cost and lack of space.

Now on my paperwork I know it should list I have one room, 0-6 age, two children, oh and I'm single.

Problems on their end.

I keep getting calls for children that should never be even called about here.  I'm also tired of them sounding so flustered that I only have a crib and toddler bed and am unwilling or unable to magically make other furniture appear.  I have received calls for:

• an autistic child that they have problems taking in to public (really you want to put this child in a single home- how am I supposed to buy groceries and um work)
• three times they have called about sibling sets that have 3 or more children that they want to keep together.
• twice they have called with a 4 and 6 year old combination
• About they 5th call into vacation they called about an emergency pair (HELLO I"M IN OUT OF STATE)  I know I'd already talked to that person once that day.
• One of the calls was about a 6yr old, I said I don't have a bed (BTW I don't have toys or clothes or a carseat or anything else for a 6yr old) and they woman said it was ok, he was actually a difficult child anyway....really....really?
• Tonight I received a call about a 1 and 5 year old, who then she (the person calling) had to go and get permission for them to stay in the same room since there is such an age gap (I actually said ok, that I'd work on getting another bed but it wouldn't happen tonight) only to receive a call back that the 1 year old was not the same sex as the 5 yr old so they would have to be in different rooms-----can they not read at TFI?

Another huge issue I have currently with TFI is that they give access to their resource homes (aka saps like me) that lists children who need placement so that we can also call about them.  I have done so 3 times now.   

• One was for a little girl and the guy said she didn't have placement and that I actually was next on the list to call and that he would put in there that I accepted.  I waited and even tried to call the person "in charge of her" to make sure that was going to happen. Not only did I never receive a call back from my message (they apparently do not return calls there so I'm not sure why they have answering machines), but I did not ever get that girl.  Oh and what little information is given on this website was incorrect on her.
• Another was for a little boy, who was actually closer than the others.  He already had a placement....Do they ever update this website...The 1st child was on there for two weeks after I called and this child is still listed. 
• Tonight I called about what I thought was a sibling pair (yes I would prefer to have one child- but there don't seem to be many that come alone).  This is what happens when you call the intake department.  Someone answers, you tell them why you are calling, they pass you off to someone else at least once if not twice to a person who is in charge of that area and if you are lucky you get a human and not their answering machine.  I am not lucky.   So I leave messages and then I never hear from them EVER.

So my question is why have this website, if it is never updated and they don't really want a person to call.   BTW there are lots of children who fall under my age level, but none of them are close to me.  I'm wondering more and more each day if TFI was the correct group to work with and if I should continue this after my license is up.   I originally got in it to adopt ( I do wish I were rich and could just adopt a newborn or that life had worked out for me not to be single), but I don't seem to be any closer to moving towards adoption.  I want a child under 1 to adopt badly, because unlike the parents whose children end up in this situation, I want to be a part of those big stepping stones (eating, walking, talking)  I think those are the best moments and I love them which is why I love working with toddlers/babies.  I am finding out that TFI does not take in many children near me and I'm sure this is a hindrance in what I'm called about.  I wonder if maybe I should look more into Youthville since they work with this area.  I'm just kind of at a loss right now and frustrated.  I love having kids in my house and don't mind most of the fostering aspect when they are here, but I don't like my life being controlled by the 'what if i have a kid or they call or...'

So my lack of children in my home is not because of lack of trying.

Of Course They call!

So I leave on vacation last Monday for a week in Colorado and just as I suspected, I received 5 calls from TFI for kids.  The first one was an obvious no because of me being single, the kid's best interest was not with me.   The others just didn't work out because I was away.  Though I am getting awful frustrated that they call me when it's a set of 3 (I can only take 2) and many of them were to old.  I really want 3 and under and they keep calling me for older kids.  
Tonight they called and I didn't have my phone.   It was for a five year old boy.  I'm not calling back.  I know my license says up to 6, but I really don't want past 3.  Honestly I just want to adopt.  I don't know that this is the right path for me.  I love the kids, hate the system.   The bad thing is there are plenty of kids that do fall in the age range I'd like.  I wish I could find the money to just adopt a baby.
Here's a pretty pic from the mountains!

Summertime!

It's Summer!!!   That is all.

Another year of teaching and I survived with children of my own most of the year.   My house is still empty currently, but I keep hoping they will call with the right child.  We'll see.  
On the really positive note, I ran into a former student who graduated a couple years ago and it was so great to see her.  And she made me remember why I teach.  She thanked me for all I did for her in high school and the opportunities that I gave her.  She even said they had helped her already.   It was nice to hear some validation for all a teacher does.   I am so glad it's summer and hope I am motivated enough to clean in the next couple days so that I can have another child around.  For now though I'm going to watch some movies.

Round 3 Completed

well it's been a few days but R & G have left my house and I am again an empty house...well minus myself and the dog and cat.   They did very welll as they were leaving but I'm afraid they really couldn't see past the visit with Mom.   They were moving on to live with a Great aunt and uncle.  Although I'm very sad to see them go, I think that for this particular set of boys a two parent family may be better if they must go back home eventually (which honestly I don't know that they will).    It's hard to say goodbye to them when I so badly want kids of my own.  Hopefully something will happen for the good.   I've been quite busy since they left last week with a family birthday, an evening as a fill in Bunco player, and shopping with my friend and her family (the new babies).
I am counting down the days till summer and am looking forward to a break from work.  Until the next kid (s) come I will work on my house and cleaning and relaxing.   I'd really like a baby.....
Also in other news I am getting a hot tub for very very very cheap from my cousin.  They are getting a newer one and I'm buying theirs.  I'm very excited and hope it works out ok.    I know it's going to cost some money but I'm hoping I can fill it and use it as a hot tub/pool.  I'm so excited about that.  I plan to do a lot of things around my house.  i will soon be very poor.   So the hot tub will be nice for a relaxation as I freak out about the poverty I am pushing myself into.   :-)

Parent Teacher Conferences

Tonight was my first experience as a parent at parent teacher conferences.  Yes it was at the daycare, but I was still the parent.  Both kids got excellent comments and both teachers gave me great compliments as well which was nice to hear after my day at work.  I've spent most of the week home with G, he's had a 101.7 fever most of the week and we visited the doctor twice.  Got some strong antibiotics and he returned back to daycare today and both returned back to visits with MOM.  
My day at work was frustrating.  I had whiney kids and today was one of those days I felt like the world was just running me over.  I know part of it is the end of the school year and the fact that the boys are leaving in a week.  Then after my day I went to get the kids and they were cranky.   I definitely saw some changes in returning from the visit today. It was like we had gone backwards to the beginning.  G was throwing his head against the floor and inconsolable crying.  R threw some tantrums as well.  
And of course MOM sent items back with them.  Frustrating.  
In other news, my own mother is getting a pacemaker put in tomorrow.  I will have missed 3 days of school this week and I'm sure my classes are feeling neglected.  Not by choice though did I miss at the beginning of the week.   I'm sure all will go well.  I was really surprised when I was on the phone tonight with my mom and saying I'm not sure if this fostering thing is going to work any longer, she said "you are a good mom"    That made my evening.
ON other bigger news, my good friend welcomed twin boys to the world today. I am so excited and hope since I will be near them tomorrow for my mom's surgery I can swing by and meet them.    I hope I can spend some time holding and loving them this summer.   They have three other brothers so I'm sure their momma will need the help.

Anger can not describe how I feel

Last night I received a call from R & G's worker stating the boys would be moved in 14 days to a family member that has come forward and passed all the background checks,etc.   Again it was a complete surprise and completely upsets me for several reasons (and just to clarify if they were going home it would be different)
First of all...just last week the Social worker said to me yes it would probably be long term and we discussed all the meetings that we had coming up for the boys.  I even discussed a trip to Colorado.   In my conversation with her I also told her I hoped they made sure mom was really ready when they do go home, because I'm not sure R would survive another move.   Not once did she say or even hint to the idea that they were looking at someone else to move them too.
Secondly...R & G have made huge strides with me and I'm not sure why they would want to break that at this point.  R is more social and is really doing well with emotions and handling things better.  We are even in the middle of potty training, which I now feel like is a waste of my time.    G is eating food finally and so close to walking.  He's happy most of the time and doesn't hit his head on the floor as much.  We have been working with the early ed here to get him on a plan with them and now all of it will go to waste.  
Thirdly why can't they be professional and let me know that they are looking at someone earlier.   It makes me feel incompatent and upsets me beyond believe.   Is there something I'm saying at the meetings with the social worker?   Is there something wrong with my house?  Did the boys say something?   I did ask if R was abused and last time this happened I asked if H was a drug baby.   Maybe I'm not really supposed to be an advocate for the kids, nothing else is like what they tell you.  
  Oh and did I mention the kids haven't even gotten to see their mom because of missed/not passed UA's.  (Drug tests)  Hey lets move the kids closer so they can't see her while they are there.   As one can tell I am very upset over this and angry.   I'm angry that she didn't tell me sooner of the possibility and that it's happening at all.   I want better information.

A rough week

This past week has been rough.  G fell sick with massive ear infections and had to be picked up from daycare two days in a row and then I kept him home for a day.  Thankfully my work is semi flexible and I am able to get a sub.  Then my mother is in the hospital for heart problems.  G and I went to visit her when I kept him home.   Hopefully she will be getting out today.   R fell on Friday and busted a tooth and had to have it pulled yesterday.  That was an experience I would prefer not to do again.   Overall he is handling it well, but the actual pulling yesterday was horrible.   We are also trying hard to potty train R and have removed the use of pullups during the day (I don't think he can tell when he is wet) and though several outfits are gone through, at least he is starting to recognize when he goes.   G yesterday stood for a few seconds at a time and I think he will be walking very soon.  He loves walking and is just working on that balance.
The bad thing is through all of this i forgot to get my car tags renewed and now they are late and the whole state is shut down for a week.  Yippee.  Got to love my life currently.   The best thing is there are only 17 more days left of school.  YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I so need a break from school/teaching.   

Easter 2012

I realize this is several days later, but I must say I loved Easter weekend.  Took the boys to the zoo and my parents came along.   We even rode the boat there.  It was fabulous weather.  I must also mention that it was a four day weekend for me, which yes even though not long after spring break, I truly needed it.   Spring break is so much show stuff for me and trying to get caught up that it's not usually very relaxing.   Friday I got out my camera and went to take maternity and family pictures for my friend.   I haven't really taken pics for awhile and I really enjoyed it.  Then Saturday the zoo and Sunday our family gathering.
I'm not sure either boy understood what Easter was, but by the end they had a lot of fun.  R played with my cousin's girl and they had a lot of fun.   We hid eggs and looked for them.  I really like family gatherings and enjoy seeing all my family. It was nice to hear my family say how much both boys have changed.   Sometimes I don't see it since I'm see them daily.  R can still be extremely bipolar going from extreme mood to the other very quickly.   He has done that the last two days and it seems like there is nothing causing it, though I'm sure there is. 
Today is visit with mom.   I'm not sure how I feel about this except it's annoying because she always sends things back with them.  Last week it was baskets of candy....lots of candy.  G isn't even eating regular food and hot tamales for a 3yr old.   Really....Those caused a huge fight also.   And all she feeds them is McDonald's and sweets.  Very difficult when I'm trying to get R to eat better and G to eat period.  G is starting to eat finally non baby food.  He ate half of a grilled cheese at a restaurant the other day. I was amazed.  Unfortunately he is picky and won't even try most foods.  I'm finding though if he gets to hungry he won't eat anything and just throws fits.    Both boys are improving though and I'm happy about that.  G started yesterday with his first appointment with the Infant Child Development (IFD) in town and we are going to get that started.  I'm very worried that his legs aren't straight.   I'm looking forward to a weekend where we don't have anything planned.  Maybe I'll get some laundry done.  :-)

ONE MONTH

Yesterday marked a month of the boys being in my house.   Although there are still some problems I've seen some great improvements in the past month.  Baby G is eating baby food, some solid snacky baby food, and is cutting back on formula.  He plays a lot more, throws less fits, and loves to walk - though he still can't on his own (balancing is still hard).   He even has 3 words now - hi, bye, and kitty (even waves).   He laughs a lot more and is a cutie.   He had RSV last week but has almost completely recovered.  yea!   Though he did get me sick and I'm not recoving so well.

R has improved a bunch.   He talks all the time, throws very few no fits, plays with other people, leaves the room where i'm at and is starting to do a lot of things for himself.  I've even seen improvement in his speech already.  He's started eating more food that's put in front of him and is playing with brother more.   And last friday we stopped screaming and crying when he was dropped off at daycare.  Today he went with a different blanket....yippee.  Thankfully both boys sleep pretty well and even go to bed at a decent hour when we aren't at rehearsal.

Speaking of it's show weekend.  We've made it.  Thankfully though my family has helped out...last night my brother watched them.   I've felt bad that we haven't been in the house at all.   Overall things are going prettty good.  We still have a ways but it's improving so thats good.   Both boys are going to get some infant child developement help and that should start to make a world of difference.   And I got medicine yesterday (FINALLY- that's another story) so I'm starting to feel better.

I must say I enjoy having kids and I'm ok with fostering, but I do sometimes still wish very much that I could have my own kid.  It's especially hard when there are babies being born all around me.  Three friends have had one in the last week and there are still several more to come.  Oh well,. guess it's not in the plan.  :-(

Incorrect Information

Today I had appointments all set for the doctor and when we got there I didn't have one form that they needed.  Nor did they list it in the items I needed to bring.  I was frustrated.  Especially since I really want to get them in before they both starve themselves to death.   R won't eat anything but crackers and water, though I can get him to eat pizza sometimes.   G refuses to touch solid food (though last night we had a break through and he put a cracker in his mouth).    I offered to bring the form later or to run and get it, but noooo they wouldn't let me.  The receptionist wasn't very friendly.  
Yesterday was the first visit with their mom.   I guess poor R had a hard time leaving and cried a lot at daycare.   He was extremely hyper at rehearsal last night and ran around and around.   It's getting harder to leave him at daycare as he crys every morning and begs to come with me.  I keep reminding myself though it's only the first full week and it will get better.   G is starting to not be held constantly and I'm holding him less and less through rehearsal time, he's playing with the kids more.  I'm so glad it's Friday and a weekend.

Round 3 is interesting

So last Wednesday night I got a phone call for two boys.  1yr old G. and 3yr old R.   I said ok, waited and then they arrived.  It's amazing when they are brought as the case workers literally just drop them off and if you are lucky tell you a couple things about them.  In this case not only did the caseworkers have limited information, but their books were pretty empty too, with only their medical cards and referal.  The first night was rough as they were both confused and missing their mom.   I was a little worried that we would end up in the ER from starvation, as R refused to eat anything but crackers and cereal the first 48hrs and started puking the first full day.   Although very behind on speech, he's very cute and has made leaps and bounds since last week.  When alone, he copies everything I say.  He's started playing, is doing better in daycare, and eating.  Though still not eating extremely healthy, he is at least eating.  I can't get him to drink anything but water, which is strange.  
G is an interesting case, he has a flat head....it's weird...he was left in a car seat and on his back to much.   He is very very tiny and can fit in clothes that are 6-9 months.    Since he's come, he's eating baby food (I can't get him to eat real food), drinking some from a sippy cup - including some milk, cut back on formula. Most of the time he wants to be held and if he's not he'll follow me around crying like crazy, but he's starting to improve with that.  Tonight at rehearsal he only sat on my lap about 5 minutes total and was all over the place.  He pulls himself up to standing with furniture (still can't stand on his own - but he's trying)   I will be interested to see what happens at the doctors with him.  he's small, behind with everything, his head, and a leg that's turned wrong.
It's so sad that parents can ignore and not take care of their children.   I'm so glad to see some strides in the kids,, R even asked to go to bed when we got home from rehearsal.   We have a long, long ways to go on a lot of things.   I'm not looking forward to their first parent visit this week.  I'm sure that will send up into a whirlwind backwards.  Oh and the best thing ---once they get to sleep, they both sleep all night and even sleep in some!!!  No 5am mornings everyday anymore.

Round 3...oops I think I forgot to write about round 2

So as I look at the blog I realize I pretty much fail at keeping it updated.   2 weeks ago I got a phone call for a 18 month old for emergency care.   (Actually I'm still not entirely sure what his age was).  He was adorable.   He showed up at 5am on a Friday morning and I was up all night as they called at 11:30pm.   I really enjoyed him, especially after he was there for awhile.  He loved to sing or rather hum along with songs, and actually was very 'talkative' when we were alone.   Apparently a child can only be in police custody for 3 days, but that doesn't include weekends or holidays - which it was.   I was hoping he would be able to stay with me.  That evening I took him to the ER to get checked over (which now I'm trying to get the bill solved) and we had an enjoyable weekend.   On Wednesday of the next week they called me and said they were on the way to pick him up, he had been transfered to SRS custody.   i tried so hard to get them to leave him with me, apparently he ended up having a 2yr old sister, both of which I could take and the poor kid was tramatized enough.  He was picked up and taken away screaming and reaching for me.  That was horrible and made me instantly want to quite it all.   I even called my case worker to try to get her to help, but never heard back from her.  
This experience made me very bitter for a few days, I felt so bad for that child.  I swore off the system and really considered if I was doing right by being involved.  I had made the decision that I will not be doing emergency care anymore- especially during the school year.   I kept really thinking about completely withdrawing myself, but at the same time I know I'm good with the kids and I love having the little ones around.  As I was debating this still a week later, I received a call to take in two kids, ages 1 and 3.   I said ok.   So again I'm out buying supplies and clothes and have taken in two kids I know nothing about.  They are two boys and come with some development problems and so far it's been interesting.   They came on Wednesday which seems to be the magic day for changes- thankfully I no longer have a church job to contend with on Wednesdays.    I'll save the beginning of our time together for another entry, as this has gotten long....and well I'm exhausted and going to bed.   This will be the first time before midnight in the last few days.
Goodnight world.

Still Waiting....

My household feels empty now after having two kids for over four months.   I've decided I am a better person with kids.  I get up, I dont' sleep all the time and I keep the house somewhat cleaner.   I also feel less alone.  I feel like I have purpose.  
I've had several calls for teenagers which I can't take and one call for a part of a large group of kids - but they never called me back.  I know there are some that need placed, but I'm still waiting.  I don't feel like my social worker is doing the best she can.  She tells me one thing but doesn't follow through or is telling me wrong.   By now she should have had my adoption paperwork/studies done, but she hasn't done anything on them.    She says she's trying to get some kids in my house but I don't believe she's really following through...I'm still waiting on the reimbursement for the first week of childcare.   (I'll never see that.)
So in the meantime, I just keep waiting and try to stay calm and work on the things I need to do at school.   It's not like I have nothing going on between the show at school and the show at church.  :-)

An Empty House

Ok it's not completely empty.  I am still there as well as my pets, but as for kids all is quiet.   The kids I had left last Wednesday.   It was not as bad as I anticipated.  I had a nice conversation with the family and that helped alot.   I never was sad they were going home.  I miss them, but always knew they would be going home.   My family is more upset than I am.   I do miss them and their keeping me busy.  However my spring play is starting so I am goign to keep busy. I just hope I get more kids and soon.
They called today and I was excited, but it turned out to be for a 15 or 16 year old and I am not licensed for teens nor do I want them or have the space for them.  I can't believe they even called over that.  I have everyone thinking positive with me that the next one will be a baby and one I can keep.  :-)

The Wait Continues

I'm not sure which will in the end be the hardest, saying goodbye to the kids or this wait of not having any information.  The social workers have not give me any information.  I don't know when or how they are leaving or to whom.  I think it's totally unfair to me and also to the kids.   I have things I need to pack for them and they need to know it's happening before they leave or it will be the same as when they were removed from home.   I don't want them to leave thinking I didn't want them so I want to be able to discuss it with them.  This is frustrating and stressfull.  I've asked for information but they haven't given me anything.  I've chosen not to go to the court thing today since my opinion apparently doesn't matter and they have already made the decision to move the kids.  I can see how people don't want to be foster parents.  I told my social worker (whom isn't totally realiable) that I really want to move towards the adoption process.  
The kids are adorable and I am going to miss them.  Boy has really grown up in the past 4 1/2 months.  He's no longer the blank wall I used to try to talk to .  He uses complete sentences, has full conversations and recalls information very well.  He is quite polite and is a sponge for information.   Girl has started running, talks all the time, and is now in the copy everything you say phase.   She to is a sponge for information.  She loves being tickled and dancing.   They are good kids and I hope whereever they go the people taking care of them know how special the kids are.  They are smart and have so much potential.
I will miss them.

And so it Happens

Last night I got a phone call from my social worker stating that the kids would be moved to a relative in the kid's hometown.  That was all she said which totally freaked me out.  I thought maybe I did something since this move is declared right after a 3 night stay with mom and after I asked 'are we sure the baby girl isn't a drug baby'.   So I freaked otu and tryed to call her back, she didn't answer, so I did what any irrational freaked otu person would do and called the kids' social worker who also did not answer.  However after freaking out a little more I tried again.   She answered and informed me it had nothing to do with me and I was great.   I knew it was selfish of me to even ask, but I need to know if I have done an error.  This is my first foster kids.  They are moving to start the reintegration process so when the court date happens they can start moving them home faster.  I still don't understand how the mom/grandma are going to be found anything but guilty, but I guess that's not my problem or call. I just hope they actually give me a date they are leaving so I can pack and have them prepared (as well as myself)
I am happy that they are moving towards reintegration I guess---if that's what they need to do.  I'm not sure it's what's best for the kids, but that could be the small attachment I have speaking there.   I think what's hardest is knowing when they leave that's it.  It will kind of feel like the girls moving away.  I never get to talk to them anymore and it's hard (course I was around them a lot longer)  I'm actually handling it cureently very well.  I'm more troubled by the way I was told and how underhanded it was.  Maybe the next kid will be for keeps.   And I'm at least a little more prepared.